The importance of setting expectations and boundaries in a relationship by TTF Staff July 12 2008
" It is imperative to set your expectations about the acceptability of porn use early on, and not wait until it is too late "
With pornography rapidly expanding its boundaries on an almost daily basis, finding a companion who doesn't use porn in their daily life may pose a challenge to men and women seeking relationships. In fact, you may find this to be a deal breaker for some, who will not enter into a relationship with someone who isn't ok with them using porn. While it may be nearly impossible to find someone who has never seen porn before, it is still possible to find people who agree that it is not acceptable or a healthy part of a committed relationship.
It is imperative that you can explain your position and set your expectations about the acceptability of porn use early on, and not wait until it is too late, or till the relationship progresses and it becomes more difficult to set these kinds of expectations. Conflicts can arise when there is miscommunication over what one person thinks is ok. You need to draw a line of what is acceptable in your relationship and agree that you will not tolerate porn use if it is something that you feel strongly about. It is also important to have consequences if those expectations are not met, or you will get run over and over until you can't stand it anymore and you will feel trapped.
Partners must also be aware that their significant others may not always be honest when it comes to answering the question "do you use pornography," especially when they first meet, but at least you have taken an important step to setting up boundaries which are important in any relationship. From there, they will know that if they are going to be involved with you that pornography is not ok inside the relationship. What defines pornography and further clarifications is something that each couple will have to resolve according to their values and personal beliefs.
" Instead of just giving a simple "no" to pornography, a better approach is to try to appeal to your partner's intellect and explain why you think it is unhealthy. "
Instead of just giving a simple "no" to pornography, a better approach is to try to appeal to your partner's intellect, and explain why you think that pornography is unhealthy on an individual level and as a couple. Most people don't like being told that they can't do something, especially men, but if you take the time and care to explain why, it can make a big difference. Just as they would be uncomfortable with you doing certain things, the same applies to them. It can be difficult to change attitudes and remember, you are up against a culture that generates billions of dollars every year selling sex and making sure that people think it's ok, so unfortunately we have our work cut out for us.
" If you take steps early on in the relationship, you can protect yourself to an extent, and possibly save yourself a lot of pain and frustration in the long run. "
There are very few cases where pornography does anything to enhance relationships, and almost always has an isolating, polarizing effect on men and women which usually leads to conflicts and eventually breakup or divorce. It's important to tackle this issue early on and not let it escalate into a serious problem.
It is safe to say that any amount of porn is bad for a relationship or marriage. In the case of pornography, the problem arises that a little porn use, which one party of the relationship may be ok with, can escalate into a lot of porn use, and complete rejection of intimacy in the relationship, which is when it becomes a serious issue. If you take steps early on in the relationship, you can protect yourself to an extent, and possibly save yourself a lot of pain and frustration in the long run.
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ThroughTheFlame.org is a non-profit grass roots organization made up of volunteers who feel passionate about educating people about the reality of pornography and sexual addictions so that they can make better choices in their lives and better understand the implications of their choices and actions for themselves and those who care for them.
