What porn gives vs. what it takes from you in return? - by Vorlan

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This article is part of the June Writing Challenge on the topic "What porn gives vs. what it takes from you in return?" The winner will be announced the first week of July. Members may submit entries up till July 1st!
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What porn gives vs. what it takes from you in return?
by Vorlan (PA)

I will start with what P gives you and work onto what it takes from you in return afterwards. I think that's the natural way of doing it since that’s how it happened; first it seems like it's all give then over time you realize what has been taken from you. I'll use my own experiences to show how the addiction progresses.

I think most people first start using P seriously when they have problems (often relatively minor) in their lives. It's unfortunate that P seems to become available bang on puberty; while we are trying to make sense of all the new feelings and sensations as well as dealing with the huge amounts of stress this causes P slips into our lives. For me certainly P started off basically as a way of coping with the problems with my life. I began to feel lonely and as I had no real friends at the time to reassure me I started using first MB then MB with P to deal with the loneliness and the stress I felt. That is a thing that P gives, it gives temporary relief from problems in life. P soon started to become a bigger part of my life; as I found that what I had originally considered P was too soft for my taste so I moved onto harder(still quite soft) P. This was the beginning of the escalation that happens with P, the beginning of the endless search for harder and "better" P.

To me at the time this seemed all well and good but as I became more and more engrossed in my new pastime I began to withdraw more and more from those around me. The few friends I had left melted away and I became increasingly distant from my family. This is the first thing P takes; it takes out all other distractions, it forces you to drop hobbies or jobs, to neglect work and to slowly throw out friends and family around you so that you can indulge yourself more exclusively. I naturally didn't blame this on P; I alternately blamed myself and those around me. Each new blame was accompanied by subsequent P use. If I was blaming myself I would try to comfort myself with P, if I was blaming everyone else I would MB angrily to increasingly hard P. This went on for perhaps a year or so and I slowly built a wall of blame, anger and depression around me which cut me off from the world. This was the next thing P had taken; my view of the world around me had been blocked by my progressing addiction. I no longer appreciated the world around me and I drew further and further into myself.

At the same time as this my moral standards (originally high) were being slowly eroded by the filth I was watching. This was the next thing that P took from me; my morals. What would have disgusted me a few months ago became insanely appealing and I found myself watching P which was particularly degrading to the women involved. During this I became a very unreliable person, I rushed homework to have more time for P and I would take any opportunity to watch P despite the risks of getting caught doing it. (I realized straight away my parents wouldn't approve.) P made me a much more secretive person, I would lie continuously and automatically about why I spent so much time on the computer, why I always seemed to rush my work at the last minute and many other things I did to make watching P easier. This took a large chunk of my honesty and my integrity. This was one of the most valuable things P tried to destroy.

A while after this I decided that P was bad, very bad. I thought MB was worse at the time but I still hated P for facilitating it. This was when P took my self confidence and when I realized that it had taken my self control. I failed time and time again trying to quit. I became scared and I began to hate myself. I lost my self respect and my sense of who I was. I felt I couldn't be anyone really if I couldn't deal with this. I started self-harming after MB. I would try not to watch P and MB but then I would and I would get depressed and angry and I would cut myself in punishment. I would repeat this in a cycle with no improvement. P had taken away my ability to think for myself; I was a slave to my addiction. This punishing cycle continued and I spiraled deep into depression. I even considered suicide during this period. P had taken everything that I lived for.

I was fortunate though because a while before this I met the guy who is now my best friend. He slowly began to break down the walls of the cage I had locked myself in and I began to see the world and to make friends again. I went Pagan and wielded my new faith as a weapon against this addiction but I had sunk so low that it was years before I managed to beat it for about half a year. I lost my faith, relapsed badly and spiralled down again before finding TTF which gave me a new lease of life. Now I realise perhaps the most important thing which I have lost; time. The hours, days weeks, years of my life I wasted on P can't be taken back...Well that turned into a bit of an autobiography but in the end what better way to answer the question?

To conclude P took from me: my friends, my family (I stopped feeling anything for them while P controlled me), my confidence, my honesty, my sense of self, my self respect, my health (I didn't look after myself well since I didn't care about myself.), my self control, my love of life, my awareness of the world around me, my happiness, my personality (I will readily admit I was a terrible person at the lower points), my morality, my reliability and finally years of my life. - In short everything worth having in life and what did I gain? I got temporary relief from stress and pain which did nothing but reinforce the sort of behavior which made me stressed and emotional in the first place. I had a hole inside me and I tried to fill it with P but I found that the P only made the hole bigger. It was totally worthless. P took my life, plain and simple. I am so glad I found this site. I have now recovered so much that I had lost to P. P is worthless. It promises everything and delivers nothing in return for what it drains from the addict.