What porn gives vs. what it takes from you in return? - by Coyote Toast

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This article is part of the June Writing Challenge on the topic "What porn gives vs. what it takes from you in return?" The winner will be announced the first week of July. Members may submit entries up till July 1st!
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What does porn give and what does porn take away from you?
by Coyote Toast (PA)

This is one of those questions that never ends once you start answering. But as I sift and shovel through the debris of my life, I can't ignore two glaring results: the big pile of addictive behaviors on one side and the glaring hole in my soul on the other. There's no avoiding taking a closer look at each one. The pile is full of enticement because it represents all the components of my messed up pleasure process. And there is no doubt that porn gave me lots of pleasure, like an IV drip of morphine with a self controlled trigger. At first it was fun, exciting, and secret (which made it even more fun). Then it became alluring, compulsive... and still secret. But it was reliable, always there. A drug that could soothe any tension, stress or anxiety. Using porn absolutely would blot away any real world feelings I had, at least for the time I was entranced. It was a most effective escape from the pressures of life. Best of all, I had total and complete control. I could pick when, where and for how long. Always a bit shy around sexual matters, using porn allowed me to act out any sort of desire without experiencing the hassle of entanglement or physical world complications. For someone who is bisexual, that made managing a complicated sexuality much, much easier. I could live a heterosexual reality, which is socially smooth, and save the messy stuff for my fantasy life. So, yeah, I got a lot out of porn. As I look at it, it's a sizeable pile of debris. The hole next to it, though, well... it's huge. That hole is the emptiness of my own soul, so much of its vitality drained away into vapid fantasy. Inside the hole is the toxic gas of shame released from all the frenzied excavation. That shame has filtered into my life in more ways than I can even understand. It has deluded me into betraying all my lovers with porn and digging deeper and deeper into my soul's matter to hide the shame. It has left me an addict bereft of dignity and self respect. It has impaired my relationships with my loved ones, even my children. It has encouraged a denial of my true nature. It has undermined my vision to live up to my fullest potential as a human being. So, yeah, the pleasure pile is a fun little mound. The thing is, the hole next to it is much, much larger. Clearly a lot has gone missing to make that little mound. It's really not going to be easy to get all that stuff back. Just finding it is an overwhelming task, let alone getting it back where it belongs. I'm gonna be pushing wheelbarrows for the rest of my life. But really, knowing what I know now, what choice do I have?