Xmas 2010 - Competition Entries

[Admin2]

HalfPint's Entry

5 years from now,
Frequently we find ourselves paying attention to life, here and now, yesterday, tomorrow, but every now and then we venture off to the distant, less predictable, future. As we, as those who struggle with the addiction of pornography, continue our journey to fight this disease, we find ourselves thinking, what life will be like as we fight against this. I hope to be married in 5 years, I hope to have a decent job, a child on the way, a book published, and no regrets. And yes, I said No regrets! Even though I've looked at porn all these years, everything that I've done, seen, people I've interacted with, have all shaped me into the person I am today, and the person I am today is nothing to regret being!

My faith, my friends, my family, and myself are all reasons for quitting porn. No doubt being addicted to porn has shaped me and changed me as a human. Do I wish I never looked at it? Without a doubt I do, do I regret it? Sometimes I do, but as we live our lives we need to quit looking back, and keep our eyes in front of us, other wise we tend to stumble more. In 5 years I wish to be helping those who struggle, and have struggled with, porn like myself. I wish to be out in youth centers, churches, and schools, teaching kids about why porn is destructive to humanity, and teach why its not a positive thing to do. I wish to have my story published, a story of a man and his journey through over coming porn and its many trials! A story that hopefully will inspire many to look at their lives and say to themselves "This is not what life is about, this is not a life worth living, I'm going to do something about it, and make a stand for myself against this issue". I also wish to be able to look back in 5 years and say "I'm glad I took that first step towards becoming free of porn". Without a doubt, every clean day is a blessing! Its a step closer to reclaiming my life, its a step closer to me being able to help those who need someone to be by them while they are trying to quit, and in 5 years, I hope the number of clean days is ever increasing as it is today!

[Admin2]

Hopeful's Rock - Competition Entry

Another Bright, Bright Sunshiny Day

Friday's night campfire gathering. We’re almost ready to roll just one more thing to load up. The canoe’s always the last thing to get tied on and then coffee in the cup and we’re heading for Lake GuyIwannabe for the 4th annual TTF weekend camping retreat. Hopeful and I have grown to love this late summer event because we get to share the special bonds we’ve made with the real people that exist behind their TTF names. Whether it’s a BlueHubby or one of the TrueBlue folks, they’ve all stepped through the flames of addiction that tried to bring them down and into a new found life of clarity, purity and oneness with our spouses. We get to let go of the anonymity that we must honor at TTF for those who still need it and finally open up with the ones who have made that transition to real life sharing. It’s always fun to meet the new members for the 1st time as they shake off their nerves and fears and find their inner strength to move on.
Friday night’s campfire gathering is always a blast for us all and an icebreaker for the Confused newbie’s who like us legendary members just Want2bebetter. StarPuppy and his handy chainsaw always provide us with logs-o-plenty to keep the fires burning! People always bring their own specialty foods and drinks and Cupcakemomma hasn’t let us down yet with her sweet delectable little treats! Once the conversations get rolling they never seem to stop til it’s time to leave on Sunday and over the years we’ve found that we’re not just good at chatting but our new found love of music has led us to another stage. Oh yah, once this TTF bunch opens up there’s so much open talent that flows out that we should take our act on the road. With City Fool on lead guitar and NeedHope accompanying him there’s no stopping us and by the time the sun sets and the fire roars we’re into our second set of sing a long’s and we’re well on our way to our next hit… at least in our minds. Last year’s campfire introduced an amazing quartet of ladies when JenMac, Kathy, Crisodian and Vintageturtle on the keyboard belted out their own rendition of “Bright Sunshiny Day” that left us with not a dry eye in the bunch. Standing there with my arm around Hopeful just taking in the moment, I realized just how wonderful life can be and what a difference the TTF community had made in my world. We seem to inspire each other in so many ways and there are even rumors that Jenn has inspired her Mac so much that we may be in for dueling guitars before the nights out this year, ah can’t wait! I know I can’t overdue it though because the big events Saturday and Mac and I have to defend our title of 3 years running in the infamous “PMAO” event.

By the time morning rolls around there’s no more ice to be broken amongst all the members new and old and we’re well on our way to another great weekend. I can’t start the day without my morning cup of Hopeful and some coffee but the rest of breakfast is a group effort and the variety is awesome but Debv’s carefully engineered DudeWaffle’s are easily the crowd favorite!

The main “PMAO” (Paddle My Ass Off) event starts at high noon on Saturday and we’ve heard that Mell and Btf. teamed up with one of the young members in an attempt to dethrone the champs but Mac and I have a secret weapon that should enable us to maintain the crown and I’d tell you but we’re the only two with security clearance so I’ll post about it Monday. Basically each entry consists of 2 PA’s & 2 SO’s in one canoe and the PA’s have to paddle through a crazy obstacle course loaded with bumps, hazards and distractions while the SO’s try to collect valuable red flags that pop up and are located throughout the course. Before the paddles hit the water though, Admin2 steps in for a blessing and the official reading of the rules and after that we’re all eager to get to the course. This year has a record 30 entries with a few rookies that I don’t recognize, whew getting tougher every year to keep that PMAO title. In fact we would have lost it last year to the team of Chasman62, Kathy, Artguy34 and Crisodian if it weren’t for that last second Mac attack!

I’ve got to say that this new found life of clarity has got me enjoying all the little things like the smell of the campfire, the sound of laughter or just the joy of a conversation. All these things used to just pass on by me unnoticed but not anymore. This TTF weekend has me feeling like a kid at Christmas… I can’t wait to see what I unwrap this year! It’s amazing how we’ve all found the strength and determination to Conquer this huge struggle we found ourselves in and although at first it was sad to see how many new members were joining, I’ve since come to find it rather rewarding once we’ve managed to come through the flames and into a better life but that’s just SimplyMe not being Confused anymore! Ahh! Here comes my cup of Hopeful with my coffee and as we’re buckling up for the ride our smiles widen. “R” is for reverse as we back out of the driveway but that’s definitely not the direction we’re headed and “D” sets the course for our next leg of our journey and as we face the road ahead I take her hand and our smiles turn into big ole’ grins because as Jimmy Cliff says, “it’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day!!!”

[Admin2]

CUPCAKEMOMMA's - Competition Entry

When someone asks me to describe my future, the questioner generally winds up frustrated with me, cursing, and muttering things like “How can an intelligent girl like you NOT know what you want?” or “Doesn't every girl dream of their perfect house, or wedding or family?” I will never understand this. The only answer I have for them is BETTER.
I can't tell you were I will live, or who that will be with. I can't tell you the job I will have or the car I will drive. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to restrict the possibilties for joy. I wouldn't want to tie myself up again in visions of “perfect” or “ideal”.
I have tried that life, and I have learned that in 5 years, todays dreams might come true, but that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't really as perfect or as ideal as it should have been.5 years ago, I was a teen mom of 3 beautiful boys, and I fell into the lie that marrying well, and buying fancy things would bring me all the happiness I could ever want. So I “followed my dreams” right into a shot gun wedding, an abusive marriage, a cheating husband, and a bitter, messy, divorce.
But I learned that sometimes, while you were out chasing false hope, in the background, the dream you gave up to get there, was still waiting for you. Only now, it had been out in the world and was slightly tarnished and worse for the wear. If only we had known the difference 5 years could make.
The dream I gave up was a sweet, charming, good looking man. One that had been in the background for over 13 years. One that could always make me so happy I would feel like bursting. It was just never the right time. I was too young, or he was dating someone, we had struggles with drugs, death, love, and money. Yet somehow, He arrived right when I needed him most,both of us a little worse for the wear, even though it was far from “ideal”.
I wish I had known it then. I wish I hadn't laughed when someone told me about SA. I wish I hadn't laughed it off as a sorry excuse for men to be jerks. I wish I had thought it through. I wish I had looked back on our past and seen the signs. Now we are looking at the future through a fog of anger, pain and sickening images. Now, he and I try to plan for the future and there is nothing pleasant about it. He makes plans to hide his secret life and I make plans to, once again, pack up my dreams and go home.
I can't say what our lives will look like in 5 years. I have no clue. I only have a rough outline.
5 years from know, it won't matter that, today, instead of dreaming, I cried. It will be of no consequence that laundry wasn't finished, or the dishes left untouched. The only thing that will matter is that I tried.I'm sure there will be more days like today, but I know there will be many that are not.
5 years from now my sons won't be so little. I will have new challenges and a higher grocery budget.
I will be learning how to handle 4 teenage boys, and to guide them away from ever living this story in their own relationships.
5 years from now, the role PA currently plays in my life will be minimized, more manageable. The pain and anger will be distant memories of the trials we faced to get to better places.I can only hope that my man comes along for the ride.
5 years from now, I will be stronger. I will be able to look back and say that no matter what the end result, I did my best and stood my ground. I did what was necessary to get us to where ever God intended us to be.
5 years from now, things will be different. Right now, I can hardly see it. 5 years seems so far away when you're life is consumed by PA. So many things can change, improve, worsen, end and begin. The only thing I know is that it will be brighter. It will be BETTER no matter what.

[Admin2]

Chasman62 - Competition Entry

When I was 10 years old, I read a book written by the American scientist Paul de Kruif. ‘The Microbe Hunters’ is a series of biographical essays about the lives and works of a dozen giants in the fields of Microbiology and Infectious Diseases; Louis Pasteur, Joseph Lister, Walter Reed and so on. The contents of that book were a revelation to me. I read it over and over again, and right there and then decided that I wanted to be just like the men in the book, a microbiologist involved in discovering and curing infectious diseases. Like all revelations, this one enabled only a glimpse of a single inspired truth, neither showing the way to fulfillment of the dream or the obstacles to achieving success. My path to the goal inspired by that particular dream was a rather long and torturous one full of poor decisions, personal doubt, and professional disappointments, but it was ultimately, in its own way, achieved.
When I was a few weeks shy of my 48th birthday I experienced a revelation of an entirely different kind. This one didn’t come from the pages of a book, but was delivered instead via a travel mug of ice-cold water and a volley of bitter and angry words, and the deliverer wasn’t an renowned writer but rather my spouse of almost 22 years. Ironic, in some ways, that the deliverer of this latter revelation should be someone whose patient encouragement was critically important in the fulfillment of the former one. The content of this second revelation was, of course, the blinding realization of the depth to which my descent into compulsive obsession with internet pornography, and most especially explicit chat rooms, had reached. The power of that revelation was stark and blinding; a desperate desire to stop the insanity, to recover what had once been a happy and fulfilling relationship, and to repair a psyche rent with uncontrollable urges and anger.
But, again, as with all revelations, this was just a fleeting insight into a profound truth. It provided neither a map, nor signposts, nor even a sense of how long or arduous the journey would be. Starting any journey necessitates knowledge of the destination, and for this journey that required me to light a metaphorical beacon in the distance to illuminate a path I could guide my ship of recovery along. For me, the final destination lit by that beacon represents the attainment of a sense of psychological balance and emotional maturity. It represents a freedom from a narcissistic self-absorption that craves personal approbation at every turn, for it was the unquenchable thirst of that belief system that led me to obsessive and destructive interactions in internet chat rooms. It represents a desire to be genuinely empathetic with others, to be tolerant of those whose opinions differ from mine, to not always have to prove that I am the smartest, most erudite, most desirable person in the room. It represents freedom from the shackles of vanity and arrogance, the ability to express the love that I feel for those closest to me in an open and honest manner, and in so doing become a supportive and encouraging husband and father rather than a judgmental and disparaging one. Those are my ultimate goals, and the beacon revealing that destination, the locale at which personal peace and redemption will be attained, is now lit and glowing in the distance.
But what sustains the light from that beacon? I am certain that the beacon is not a self-sustaining megawatt light powered by a limitless supply of energy, its light unwaveringly brilliant and always visible. It requires constant refueling for its output to be sustained, and that fuel is generated each time a reinforcing decision is made or an affirming action performed. That fuel increases the power of the light, illuminating the most direct route toward it. Negative actions or relapses in behavior or attitude, in contrast, act like a rainstorm on an unprotected pile of firewood, limiting the availability of fuel for the beacon and causing its light to dim and the path toward it to disappear into the shadows.
Right now the warmth of that beacon and the light it provides are sustaining me. I can see the path toward it clearly. The question posed as the title for this essay was, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I can only answer that question in the metaphorical sense of the relationship between myself, the road of recovery, and the brightness of the beacon. I surely do not know if I will have reached its location 5 years from now or, indeed, if I will ever reach it. I also know that its light may not always shine as brightly for me as it does today, that there will be challenges to face, that I will make mistakes that will cause the light to fade and flicker. What I truly know with surety is that half a decade from now I will still be on the path toward the beacon, that I will never turn away from it and back into the darkness from which I have so recently emerged, and that I will be more committed than ever to sustaining its life-affirming light.

[Admin2]

Mell - Competition Entry

A Night and a Morning by Mell

Saturday morning, Six a.m., I wake up. I think about going back to sleep – I’ve only had three hours, but I can’t. I have things to do today. I get up, turn the coffee pot on and go to the computer. My house is dirty. Sure, it looks clean, things are put away, but the floors need vacuumed, the fridge needs cleaned out, everything is dusty. Maybe I’ll get to it later. Too busy right now.
I check my email. Nothing. I log onto my favorite sites. I’ll look around for an hour, then get some work done.
I get up to go to the bathroom. The clock on the stove says it is one p.m. I walk back to the computer, I’ll log off and get to work. Wait, check this out.
It is five o’clock p.m. I have ignored the phone all day. My mother called a couple hours ago, probably to get on me again. She doesn’t know what it’s like.
I lean back in my chair and look outside. The neighbors are out playing with their dogs. I miss mine. Thought about getting one, but I don’t have the time, too busy.
My son and daughter are both married. I went to both weddings, sat by myself at both receptions. I gave them nice gifts. They didn’t appreciate it. I missed my youngest son’s graduation. I was too busy to make the trip.
My kids are spoiled. They don’t call anymore. They don’t write. Hell with them. They never did appreciate me. They don’t know. I’m happy for them, they are all doing well. I have pictures somewhere.
My ex-wife has remarried. I guess she is happy. Kudos to her new husband for putting up with her. All her rules and expectations.
Now, finally, I can live my own life. I’m not tied down to anything. I don’t have to answer to anybody. I do what I want to do. I’ve dated a couple women over the past five years, none of them worked out. More rules. I’m tired of rules. I just want to live. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
I’m tired. I haven’t eaten today. Did I eat yesterday? Maybe I’ll get dressed and go out to eat. I deserve to treat myself tonight. If only I wasn’t so busy. I can barely get out of the house except to work.
I open the drawer on my desk. There it is. A Beretta nine millimeter pistol. Just like the one I fired in the military. Expert shooter. I bought it three months ago. I have never fired it. It has a purpose, when I’m ready. When all my affairs are tied up. I don’t need a will, I really don’t have much. After the divorce, I got rid of most of my stuff. I moved into a condo, no yard work. Good riddance.
I pull out the pistol. It is loaded. I look at it, turning it in my hands. Is it time? Will anybody know? How long will I lay here before anyone finds me? Work will be the first to notice. Nobody at the plant has my address, so it will probably be the police department that comes in, my boss will probably call them to check my house.
I put the business end in my mouth. It’s been here before. Do I have the guts this time? Probably not. I flick the safety off. Put my finger on the trigger. Can I do it? Maybe…. maybe not.
I sit up in bed. I am in a cold sweat. My mind is fuzzy, what just happened? I think for a moment and it starts to rush in. Where did that come from?
I get up and call my sponsor. It is just past four in the morning. I don’t care. He answers, groggily. I tell him about the dream. We talk for a few minutes. I am scared to go back to bed. I get out my journal. I start to read through it.
It is tough to read in spots, especially the first several pages. When I realized my addiction and accepted it. I reflect on those tough times. All the growing pains I have been through. The lessons I have learned. The support that I have embraced.
I am thankful for all the people who have played a part in my recovery.
I am now more social. Through my recovery, my anxieties have lessened. I am not ashamed of myself anymore. I talk to my neighbors. I help them when they need help and they do the same for me. When I think or say “I am a good man”, I believe it.
My family is going to be together for Christmas for the first time in a couple years. My son and daughter in law look to me for advice. I love them. My first grandchild is due in the spring. I know he will have everything he needs to live a beautiful life. My son will see to it.
My finances are better than they have ever been. I still don’t have much free time, but that is ok with me. I am spending my life doing things that I enjoy.
I am sponsoring several recovering addicts. Two of them are well on their way to beating this addiction. The others tend to waver in and out of healthy recovery. I pray for them.
I go back to bed, as I lay there, I look at my beautiful wife. She has been through so much. I think she is happy and at peace. I vow, yet again, to keep her there.
I get out of bed and go outside. I drop to my knees and thank God for all he has given me.
I am a grateful recovering sex addict.

[Admin2]

ArtGuy - Competition Entry

5 Years from Now…

As I sit here today, one year and two months of sobriety, I look and ponder my future…

In five years from now, my oldest son will be ten years old and my youngest will be coming up on eight years old. I see myself coaching baseball or football for my sons. I see myself sitting in my garage with both my boys showing them how to use tools for woodworking. Helping them make wooden race cars so they can have weekly pine derby races and understand that their hard work produced something that is so much fun.

I see my wife and I going out bike riding with our boys on a nice warm summer day. Or taking a sled up a hill during the cold, snowy months and going sledding. I see us helping our children with their homework or reading a book with them. Playing music, dancing or singing after a sugar rush of cupcakes on a simple Tuesday night. Or hearing some old song while driving in the car and all of us sing along like fools because it is just too much fun to resist.

I see my wife’s genuine smile because I became the man she believed in years ago. I see our relationship flourish because I know that I am able to leave my addiction to pornography behind. I know I’ll never be cured 100%, but I have the power to choose my own path. I see myself choosing a cleaner, healthier life. I see myself working on staying clean, being healthier mentally, continuously resisting the urges. The demons will always be there, but those demons can kiss my ass.

I see myself learning from my mistakes, learning from my father’s mistakes, my grandfather’s mistakes and making sure my children are not affected because of me. Breaking the cycle of PA… here and now! That’s what I work for at this moment, so five years from now, my children will not be a part of this crude cycle. My wife will not be victimized by my betrayals.

Because I have learned to take responsibility today, I can see a brighter future five years from now.

There will always be…
bills to pay…
arguments to be had…
stress in our lives…
people at work we despise…
idiots cutting us off on the roads…
morons working the drive through at McDonalds…
relatives that annoy the crap out of us…
demons of addiction haunting us…

…but

When you begin to build a better foundation of life for yourself, those problems are minute to the happiness we can achieve if we work hard to heal ourselves from the chains of our addiction. And our loved ones will be the benefactors.

Relapse is truly not an option!

[Admin2]

TrueBlue - Competition Entry

When I was a teenager I was in an abusive relationship. It started out like a pretty typical innocent and awkward high school affair and gradually morphed into something much more sinister. My personality and perspective of the world was forever changed by it.

I still feel the effects of that time in my life. Some ways I have grown, some ways were not so positive. I have nightmares and bouts of depression and low self-worth at times. I have small panic attacks when I feel threatened or when I see someone who looks like him or has one of his mannerisms. I can talk objectively about abuse, but talking about specifics or things that I personally experienced chokes me up and overwhelms me. I find myself emotionally connected to the plight of abused TV characters and the suffering of people that I am not emotionally attached to otherwise. This is beyond empathy, as I can feel true emotional pain and anxiety from things that should not affect me to such a degree. But I am more empathetic. I am more forgiving of “small” offenses. I am able to quickly accept that if someone offends me that it usually has nothing to do with me and may come from their situations and experiences that have nothing to do with me. I am more sensitive to other people’s pain, much more compassionate.

So even though I went through something that was truly horrific and still impacts me, I hope that I have come out on the other side as an improved version of myself.

Five years from now I hope that having dealt with my husband’s porn addiction is the same way. I expect that it will still depress me at times, still give me nightmares at times, and still fill me with doubt and uncertainty at times. But I hope that it also can make me more determined to teach my sons how to live and grow in a healthy way. How to handle their emotions without damaging themselves or others. That I can be a true partner to my husband rather than place him on an unrealistic pedestal. I hope that I can be supportive and compassionate for other people, and less judgmental. I have faced adversity in my life and grown from it, and I hope that the same can happen from this struggle.

That’s the only thing I feel I can hope for, is making things better but not forgetting them. I hope things get better for all of us.

[Admin2]

DEBV - Competition Entry

I’ve been on the roller coaster of being an SO for nearly 13 months. Just before Thanksgiving 2009 I found out my husband of nearly 21 years had been a p0rn addict for 14 years. I knew our marriage was in the dumps, but I had no idea how bad it really was. When I found out, it felt like finding out our marriage had been over for years. There was no foundation to rebuild our marriage on – our prior life was all a lie, like rubble left after an earthquake. The way I viewed it then, and the way I still view it now, is that the good times were all fake, a cover-up for the real him and our real marriage that I didn’t even know existed. Everything I thought existed, everything I thought was real, tumbled to the ground and was destroyed, and there was nothing – no memories, no shared experiences – stable enough to use to rebuild our marriage.

This year, things are looking better. I look back at it and I wonder how. I never thought that things could get better, and when I say “never” I don’t just mean a year ago; sometimes I mean a month or even a week ago. The roller coaster continues, but it’s slowing down and smoothing out. Sometimes I think that the ride might almost be over. We’re talking more, sharing more, kissing more, loving more. We have moments when we argue, when the hurt and insult of his actions over those 14 years overrides the good times of the last few months. At those times I wonder why we’re still married, or whether there’s any chance our marriage will last. But today, now, things are better more often than they are not. So I have hope for the future, for me and for us.

For me, I have found a new life I am happy with, and new friends. Only 3 months before my world fell apart because of p0rn, I went back to school to become a teacher. I like the new person that I’m becoming. I love learning and sharing what I know with others. I love that I can reach out and impact a child’s life, many children’s lives. I love that I can show my colleagues who I really am, and that they respect me for who I am, for what I know, and for what I give to others, both my own children and my students. I love that I have found a profession that celebrates learning and knowing. I love that I have friends who listen to me, support me, and help me through life’s challenges. My old career, as a lawyer, was very cutthroat, and people would take any opportunity to exploit any weakness. I love that my life isn’t like that now.

I still have progress to make, though. I don’t love my body. I am still ashamed of what four decades and a pregnancy have done to my body, which was never stellar to begin with. I’ve always had a thick-waisted, eastern European peasant body, and gravity plus weight loss haven’t helped any. I have to face the fact that it’s who I am, and unless I opt for plastic surgery it’s who I’m always going to be. I need to learn to live with my body, and I need to learn that if my husband doesn’t like it, it’s his loss. I have to learn that it doesn’t matter what he told me when he was using p0rn and before. I have to try to believe him, today, when he says it doesn’t matter, that he loves me the way I am. What matters is that I’ve been exercising and I’m healthier and stronger now that I have ever been. I need to make that the focus. I need to not worry about what I look like and whether I compare to all those tens of thousands of women than my husband watched and pleasured himself to. It’s not going to be easy. Maybe one day I’ll be able to accomplish it. I’m not there yet.

For us, I need to believe that my husband is being sincere. I need to see that he does love me, that he does care about me, and that he does want me for who I am inside, not just for the object that he used to see me as. He’s working very hard on that, and I need to see the progress that he’s making. It’s hard on him as a PA, as a man, and as someone with Asperger’s. It’s a difficult triple-whammy for him to overcome, but he’s working on it. He’s trying, and he’s doing all the right things, and for the sake of our relationship I need to give him credit for that.

Slowly but surely over the course of the last year things have been improving. I have hope that, over the course of the next 5 years, things will continue to improve. Over time, I hope that I will continue to work on seeing the man that my husband is inside, and that he will continue working on seeing the woman that I am inside. Like the Earth naturally wears away the rubble of natural disasters, so that the rock wears down and new green growth breaks through, I hope that we can continue to work on clearing the rubble left after 2/3 of our marriage came crashing down. I hope that we can continue to push the rubble of our past away and rebuild, anew, a relationship that is based on mutual sharing and love, and not on lies and deception. A lot of the rubble has been cleared away over the past year, though it’s still piled up where we can see. But I have faith that, 5 years from now, all we’ll see is the lush growth of a healthy marriage that sprung up out of the disaster left behind by p0rn.