When did you feel you were making REAL progress...

[OpenEyes]

Okay, time for a new challenge.

I would like BOTH PA's and SO's to respond to this one.


When did you feel like YOU were making REAL progress?

For the PA's, it pertains to changes within yourself where you felt more in tune with yourself, less in the grips of the P urges and more in control of yourself, your life.

For the SO's it is more of getting to a point of starting to forgive and trust. Getting past the awful pain that PA causes and getting to a point of not just healing, but of feeling hopeful, and getting past some of the hurt and the anger.

For both respondents, I am looking for general time frames and changes either in you or your partner that helped bring about this progress.

[Charly22]

"When did you feel like YOU were making REAL progress?"

As a SO, I'll try to describe what has been helpful for me, etc., even though I feel like I'm just getting started, I have only begun to scratch the surface of what I need to put into practice:

Until I came to this website, I was only allowing my emotions to rule me. Now, when your a well balanced, fulfilled, happy, content person, that can be ok. But when your broken down, and angry and hurt, those emotional reactions are way too extreme to ever get anywhere. I had been struggling with this for many years, for too long. The first thing that I picked up on here, was that I needed to learn how to express my feelings and thoughts without anger and bitterness fueling my words. I also became aware that communication was one of the biggest essentials in this struggle. Nobody can communicate effectively while being angry, no matter the subject. When I got better at this, discussions became more productive with my husband, little by little.

I learned that it was wrong, for so many years, for me to keep this to myself. To suppress it and let it all swirld around in my head and heart without talking about it, writing about it, letting those emotions out, they want out, if you don't let them out, they will manifest physically and cause all kinds of health problems. I began to rely on this website as a way to do that. Found it easier to do that, then bottle it up until it just burts out of me with people I really don't wanna be talking about this with, ya know, co-workers, family members, it's a very personal thing. But it's gotta come out!

I soon began to realize and truly understand this from an addiction point of view. It helped when I began to see it "clinically", kinda removed those crazy emotions (not that I never have my meltdowns) and put it on a level that helped me to be able and willing to see what was ahead of me that needed to be addressed and put into practice. Reading several books regarding p and s addiction was the best tool for this. I also was amazed to read and learn about co-dependency. Was suprised that I saw myself in alot of the material. Learning about co-dependency inspired me to go ahead and live life to the fullest, even if it is not totally full. I found strength in reading about co-dependecy, strength and courage to go ahead and be good to myself. Stop staying trapped in negative moods and emotions, and get out and find my own way to shower myself with some positive. This helped tremendously when it was time to deal with the negative again.

I had to discover and realize that this is deeply rooted in my husband, long before I came along, since childhood. I had to accept that this couldn't just change or stop with one last discussion, one promise from him to stop, and that be the end of it, and I wouldn't ever have to worry about it ever again. Oh no, don't work like that. I have to be willing to work through many different levels of this. One baby step at a time.

These are all the things that I learned and starting practicing in the first few months, first year, after coming here and collecting ideas and suggestions and requirements. It really helped me to read the pa journals. I think I kinda did some things out of order though. My husband would admit he had a problem, but never tried to do anything serious about it. I thought I could just start communicating better and that would be where I would start at.

It wasn't until this past summer (after being here well over a year) that I reached a point where I could see nothing was changing. Nothing was going to change. I did not give my husband an ultimatum with hopes it would scare him, I truly had got to a point where I no longer felt secure, no longer felt like I could continue living in all the turmoil and pain and suffering, the lies, the tension, the emotional wars. After being lied to, I asked him to make a choice, and the p had such a hold on him, and I spent sooooo long crying, getting over it, trying to accept it, he thought I was just gonna cry and get over it. I couldn't, I wanted and needed peace. My spirit demanded it. When he knew I was planning to leave is when he started taking this seriously. This has been our war between each other for the past ten years plus. You can imagine that damage I've done to myself, my soul, my self esteem by dealing with this for so long.

So many things to learn along the way, but this is my summary of what I believe are key elements.

My husband is over three months p free (with some skating that needs to be worked on). I feel like it is time for me to start a new chapter in my learning and practicing. I look forward to it, and call hope my best friend!

[Wasted Years]

Open Eyes, The loss of my job was one thing but my PA was another. When a full-time job offer presented itself without any effort on my part I turned it down for reasons that appear to be excuses and I was obsessed about answering only to myself about the real reason I turned it down. My PA refused to accept any blame. My PA still does But when I Googled PA and found TTF was when I became open to the idea that I may have PA. PA has led to such behavioral secrecy for me that it's effects are even hidden from myself. I'm finding that anything related to my PA I struggle to be truthful about. This is where I'm going to answer your question about progress. In my experience, I can not 'fake' progress. From the faintest of clarity, just a micro amount of clarity, has allowed me to arrive at immeadiately downloading cybersitter from a place where I didn't even see a problem with IP. I know you are asking about progress from a glass half-empty point of view; that's not a judgement and please don't take offense. But all success and great achievement started at some point you know what I mean? We all learned our alphabet/ABC's in some period in our life which is to say for me real progress was felt with just the idea of, 'I am capable of freeing myself of PA and having a relationship with a real person'. Some wise person once said, we can only be a victim if we admit defeat.

With my confidence it was blocking software in the computer on the second day of joining TTF felt like wining the game for me.

[OpenEyes]

I was really hoping for more responses to this one, oh well.

For me, there have been a series of discoveries, understandings that have led to really being in recovery, but I think the point I was referring to in my original question was when I realized that I was forever going to be a PA, that I had no control over it, and that the damage done by my PA was my responsibility.

That took a while. The realization that I could not control my PA was after my relapse. That the damage done by my PA was my responsibility, I knew as a fact early on, but did not FEEL it, for months.

So, when did I feel I was making real progress, and began to feel more in control of my life? When I realized that I did not control PA, but it COULD control me, if I let it and gave it the opportunity. The time frame for this one was about 3 months.

When did I feel I was making real progress? When I FELT that the damage I had done to my marriage and my wife was what I had done. That it was my responsibility. That took small steps, small blocks of movement forward to assuming it all. I would say that took about 5 or 6 months.

When was real progress made? When I knew I was emotionally stunted in growth and that I had to "grow up" and be a man, not act like one. That is still in the works but, I am confident that I am better now than I was and I can still improve. Time frame, 6 to 7 months.

I hope we get some other responses to this one!