Getting Started

[OpenEyes]

Okay, this is a question for all PA's:

In your first month of admitting you were/are a PA, what single thing helped you most? (In this Challenge, I am looking for things like, "taking the quiz and admitting I am a PA", "Telling my wife to her face I have a problem", "Deleting my hard drive and throwing out my P material", "going to my first 12 step program meeting" or similar steps, and why they were such a big step for you, what you gained and how this is still helping you, if it is.

Looking forward to responses, I will be posting mine in about 1 week.

[65Ford]

I don't know if I can narrow it down to one single item. But as I am only completing my second month of this journey, I can share a few thoughts on month 1 while still fresh in my mind. I do think it's important to stress in threads like this, however, that there is no one-size-fits all solutions. Some of the things that helped me may not help others, and some things that help others are just not for me. There are no wrong answers here.

1. It may seem obvious now, but step 1 clearly was admitting this is an addiction. When it reached a point that I felt I no longer had a choice, that I no longer was in control, that scared the crap out of me. Sure, maybe it took getting "caught," but I think deep down I knew it for a long time. Realizing I needed help doing it was a breakthrough.
2. Discovering TTF. Again it seems overly simplistic, but realizing I am not alone felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. With support, I began to truly believe I could beat this. I'm not sure I felt that was possible before. That leads to...
3. Journalling. Not just writing my own, which has been therapeutic enough, but reading the journals of others. Especially the SOs. Their willingness to share what this awful thing has done to them has been both gut wrenching and tear jerking. And yet illuminating in a way I'm not sure they can understand. I am eternally grateful to them all for so many reasons I don't know where to start.
4. On a more basic level, limiting computer time. I chose not to install a filter, mostly because I viewed that as a crutch. It would simply prevent me from acting on my thoughts, not address the thoughts themselves directly. I felt I needed to change my attitude, and behavior changes would follow. (Again, that's just me, your results may vary.) It being summer, it's been easier to spend time outdoors. When I do need the computer, I think in advance of what I want to look for, do it, and get off.
5. Almost forgot this one - the day after "the night," the stash went right in the Dumpster. Gone. Hours and hours of collecting, who knows how much money, gone in an instant. And what a relief. I had no idea what an anchor that was.
6. This one is a bit more difficult to explain. I sort of "prep" myself before going somewhere where the possibility of triggers may exist. For example, taking the kids to swim lessons, there will be women in swimsuits. Gotta be prepared for that. Or going to the mall, could be some wandering around in short shorts. Gotta be prepared for that. Somehow, I find just "knowing" about it in advance, I don't get as much of a thrill, or "surprise," when I do see it. It becomes less of a big deal. Not sure if that makes sense, but it is something that's worked for me, and helps me keep things under control.

It's not easy, and my operative word remains diligence. Every night that I climb into bed clean is a good day, and I'm learning to look forward to that feeling more than the temporary chemical rush from before.

[cyberpunk]

I don't know if I fully understand your question or if I am answering it correctly but for me I think this is a continual process of realizations and tough decisions.

I knew that I had a problem with MB since I started it, almost immediately it began to consume my life. Honestly, I thought P wasn't that big of a deal and I could indulge in it once in a while if I didn't MB (which of course I always did). I was fortunate a few years ago to make friends with a recovering meth addict and alcholic who was big into AA and NA. He gave me a copy of the Big Book of AA and we talked a lot about addiction and during this time I came to the realization that I was a PA/SA.

I've learned the hard way that recognition is not recovery. I am still fighting a very difficult battle but during the last few years I have had to accept that fact that I cannot have unfiltered internet access and should limit the time I spend on the internet. I have had to open up about my addiction with my (ex) girlfriend, my parents, Ecclesiastical leaders and other addicts. I've gotten a sponsor, started attending 12-step meetings and read a lot of literature.

With all of this I still struggle pretty badly and have a hard time staying sober for more than a week. However, each of these things have helped me and each painful step has taken me a little closer to freedom and sobriety.

I guess, for me, there has not been a single "one" thing that has done it. It has been line upon line, I progress a little farther when I am ready and open to make the commitment. I know that as long as I keep getting up I will someday be sober but I also know that I will still need to make some tough sacrifices.

[artguy34]

Okay, this is a question for all PA's:

In your first month of admitting you were/are a PA, what single thing helped you most?

Well, since the question lists a "single" thing, I will state mine,

...the one single factor that was the most important and the foundation for my recovery was when my wife said she would be there to help me through recovery as long as I was honest and truly seeking recovery.

Without her giving me a chance to find my path to recovery, I would have lost everything.

-So to my loving wife Crisodian, thank you for walking this tough path with me!

Love,
AG

P.S. as I write this, I am 309 days and 13 hrs. clean and MB & P-free. And life is definitely much better.

[Daniel]

This is a great question OE.

Early on, the single biggest thing was the memory of the emotional trauma I experienced when I admitted my problem to Mrs. Daniel. She collapsed on the floor and let's just say it was an extremely sad moment. The ton of bricks hit me later that day, I've journaled about it already... It was a definite turning point. C-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y broken.

I also told several other people who were close to me, including selected family members. This pushed my issue out of the private spaces and into the semi-public realm of family-friend life. This may sound scary but believe me, it was a fantastic release of shame and guilt and an exhilaration from the honesty; when you know these people love you and care for you STILL, in spite of your issue.

Daniel

[OpenEyes]

Okay, I asked it, now time for my reply.

The single biggest thing for me was admitting I was a PA and coming to understand that this is an ADDICTION! My wife catching me in lies, taking the quizzes on this site and others got me to admit I was a PA. Only through this, and understanding that I had to treat this like an addiction started me on my road to recovery.

Without this I would never have seen all the ramifications of my lies and my P use. I would not have seem that this addiction has mental, emotional and physical aspects to it that all need to be addressed.

As I have progressed, many other things have been a huge help, important steps and the like, but the realization that I was a PA, an ADDICT, was what was most important to me to decide that I needed to get better, that I needed help and that all the problems caused by PA were of my doing, not my SO's or problems of circumstance, life in general or whatever else I could rationalize them to being. I am a PA and must accept the responsibility of being one.

I look forward to more answers to this one.

[secondentendre]

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a jerk, but what has helped me has been hearing from other people how much worse things can become. I've been to three SA meetings so far and I've heard some pretty terrifying stories. I don't want to become like them, and that has spurred me into seeking help.
Also I guess what has helped me has been that I've been spending money on other things and it hasn't left much room in my bank account for acting out. Usually I'll dip into my savings if I'm low on dough, but lately I've been letting my account dwindle down to like $45 to really try to dissuade myself from spending it on acting out.