Telling our parents?

[Little lock]

As the heading goes. I'm curious...I know for a fact that Vorlan has told his parents, as he said on his journal. Personally I don't plan to, not now, not in the future. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it has something to do with my relationship with them, and the fact that I do not want to tell because they honestly think they have a good view of what's going on in my life. Which they don't at all.

Anyway, how many of you intend to tell your parents in the near future? And if you do, what are the pros and cons? Or is keeping it from them a better option, as you are afraid that they might misunderstand it?(Who knows the amount of misconceptions regarding P?)

[Vorlan]

I was always distinctly wary about telling my parents. I didn't think they'd understand so I waited till I'd got a lot of clean time behind me before I told them. In the end I think my gut instinct not to tell them straight away was right. When it came down to it neither could see really why this was a problem for me. I mean my dad for example isn't the type to get addicted to anything. This is a guy who quit smoking when my mother asked him to. Just like that, straight away. But I think it very much depends on your parents and your relationship with them. I think my parents would have freaked out and been too distracting during the early stages of my recovery.

I think my advice is in the end go with your gut feelings. You know your parents best, you know how they are likely to react best.

Best wishes,

Ben

[Daniel]

LL,

I agree with Vorlan.

In my case, I wanted to blow the doors off of the secrecy. I waited about two months +/-, reason being I would probably break down (I did anyway but oh well) while in the midst of my story.

I had shared this struggle with my Mom years earlier and back then it was not a big deal to her. But I did not convey the magnitude of the problem then. But I did this time. And she got it. She was very supportive and understanding.

My Dad told me as I told him on the phone "you don't need to tell me all this if you don't want to." He knew I was crying while I explained and he probably wanted to ease my pain somewhat. But I had to get it out. And I did and he too was as understanding as he could be.

I didn't catch any real pearls of wisdom or advice from either parent, just my personal gratification that they knew of my issues and they still loved me very much and were sorry for my personal tragedy.

This put me at ease in my mind, knowing they knew, and yet all was well.

Experience tells me that we make it a much bigger issue than it really is when considered from someone else's perspective (they have a life and its attendant problems too).

By "someone else" I mean someone not directly affected (SO etc.)!

I went from there and told other close family members and several close friends. Then about 70 men from church. And recently I told our pastor about my activities here.

Please understand I am not saying "Gee, LL, Go and do it already!" !!




Keep in mind:

• It's your decision alone to make
• Vorlan is probably right to suggest waiting until you're clean awhile lest your parents compound the problem depending on how involved they will be; but how long to wait and can we ever get clean long enough...?
• I have read stories of sons admitting to their parents and the parents becoming directly involved in helping their son stay free
• The "other side" of telling your folks could be a large added boost to your ongoing efforts
• The downside is very likley not near as bad as you think

You've brought this up before in your old Journal. Let us know your mind and plans if you're comfortable. I understand you have no plans to tell them for now, maybe not ever. And that's OK.

Daniel

[Bird-boy]

I plan to tell my mom, because I feel she would understand the most. (Vorlan:You know your parents best, you know how they are likely to react best.) All I really need to do is let her read the first 2 posts in my current journal.

But saying "I plan to" actually means "I really want to, but it doesn't feel like it would happen ANY time soon."

That is my decision, or feeling, about it for myself. (Daniel: but how long to wait and can we ever get clean long enough...?) That is a really good question for me to ponder deeply about.

[pipster22]

funny enough i just had a dream last night about this. i think the dream went like...

my mom found out my blog on this website (which is currently my biggest fear. it used to be, of course, them finding the history which would lead them to the actual P sites.. but i kind of think them finding my personal blog would be worse. even thinking about them reading everything i've written there.. and knowing it was from me.. makes me cringe as im writing it) so anyways, she found it and confronted me about it.

in my head, i knew that it should make me feel better. i would be able to get theraputical help, they would be able to understand why i was so sad, but no. it made me feel disgusting, knowing they had read everything i wrote. knowing what i was going through.

i dont know what would be worse... the fact that they would know im a porn addict, or the type of material i was looking at (men). i guess probably a mix of both.

for me, i dont ever think i will put myself through that. i am thinking that, if in college, i am still struggling i will get a job of my own, my own credit card, and then go get a real therapist. i dont know how un-realistic this is but it is something i will definetly look into!

[Scooter]

It was necessary me to tell my parents about my porn problem when it lead to me getting in trouble with the law. I was lucky that they were very supportive. Well... yes supportive, they were willing to give me money to go to counselors etc, but they never actually wanted to hear the details. I once asked for money to install a porn blocker, and my dad wasn't so keen - mainly cos it was expensive. I guess its still an embarassing topic for my folks, these days I just don't tell them how my struggle with porn is going. I guess for some out of sight is out of mind.

[hast]

My parents found out the hard way. I had been done with it for a couple months (the very first time that I had quit), then they found the internet history one day (I didn't know about that sort of stuff at the time), and asked me about it. Oh my goodness, that day will forever be the blackest day in my life. I just know how sad it made them to know what terrible stuff was plauging me, and I would do anything to take back that heartache. It's not because they were ashamed of me or angry at me, or anything like that...it's just because I know how sad they were that I had to deal with this problem.
They don't know about any of my relapses, and I don't plan on telling them. I'm an adult now, technically, and I need to not rely on them as much, anymore. I am thinking of finally telling my best friend of 4 years, though. I need some real support in this.

[Vorlan]

It's always tough when it goes the wrong way. Before I left for Uni I happened to be on TTF and my mother walked in and saw. I havn't tried to hide being on it since January when I told them so I was suprised when she got angry about it.

You see apparently my parents had thought that when I told them I was finished with P I was finished with TTF too. I don't know where they got that from...we had an argument about it but I managed to remain calm. The problem is they don't understand the site. It scares them the idea of lots of, in their eyes, "perverts" coming together to talk about this. They refused to look at the site so the subject was dropped. Unforturnately although they are good people and they want the best for me I'm not sure they'll ever really understand what PA was for me or what TTF means to me.

Don't let this disencourage you if your gut tells you telling your parents is a good thing, I just thought I'd be honest about this as I don't think I recorded it in my journal.

I'm still glad I told my parents but I avoid bringing up TTF when I see my parents (which is much less now I'm at Uni) because I don't want to upset them.

Best wishes,

Ben

[hast]

I just emailed my best friend. Told her all about everything. Well, I didn't tell her details, of course, but she now knows about each relapse, and now someone finally will completely and totally understand me. She's always known me better than anyone else, and now she knows everything. Now there are no secrets between us, she can support me, and I already feel a hundred times better. I already feel like she's helping, even though she hasn't read it, yet.

[yorkie_owner_85]

In my case, my guardian and dad found out without me telling them. They found P websites and I used an expired credit card to access two sites. So you're better off telling them before they find out themselves.