Telling our parents?

[no_excuses]

I'd like to step back one level and clarify something that everyone comes to learn at some point or other, whether it's in their teen years, in their 30s (like me), or in their 50s: we cannot control whether our parents act rightly, but that should have absolutely no bearing on us doing the right thing. I'm reminded of a quote I once read: "Let people feel the weight of who you are, and let them deal with it." I'm hearing from a lot of people here, either overtly or in the subtext, that they're afraid that if they tell their parents, they will then be viewed differently by their parents. And of course, it's true. Porn addiction is a major and revealing window into our desires, our weaknesses, and ultimately our wisdom and strength in practicing recovery everyday. How could someone not view us differently after learning so much about our positive and negative qualities? So when you tell someone, you're rolling the dice that they have enough worldly experience and selflessness to understand all this and react accordingly. And the simple fact is, some parents have it, and some don't. And some might not have it, but this becomes the moment when they find it. So if you want that understanding with your parents, you put the offer on the table and be honest with them. At that point, how they react is up to them. You obviously don't get to choose their reaction, but neither is it your weight to bear if they can't handle it. I would just hate the thought of someone reaching out and then feeling bad because their parents don't have the emotional strength or maturity to be supportive. If you're going to reach out to anyone, don't be emotionally dependent on their reaction. They might be great, or they might be a hot mess, but you can't let that shake you on your recovery journey. The companion quote that also comes to mind is something a wise man once told me: "Doing the right thing and getting the reaction you want have absolutely nothing to do with each other." In other words, life can be beautiful, but it sure ain't always fair.

Now it's a slightly different situation if you want to tell your parents because you need help and support in breaking this addiction. If you need support, and you don't feel your parents are up to the task, then I would definitely advise against telling them, because added stress would only hinder your progress. When you're in need, that's not the time to be taking emotional gambles. Reach out to someone else whom you trust. Play it safe until you're stronger, and then weigh what's to be gained in telling other people or not.

[WayFarerNation]

For me, my motivation for stopping my use of P was/is to make it easier to be open with others about myself. So when I decided to really give it a go, it was natural for me to tell my parents about it. I believe the more people we tell that we care about, the more likely we will find the courage to leave the addiction behind forever.

[Dylan]

My parents found out about my P addiction not by my choice, my brother actually un-thoughtfully revealed the news to them. He did it after finding "spy" software on my computer, which I had installed by choice and gave my girlfriend access to, to help my combat my PA. We tried the accountability software's out there, but none of them worked very well and truly captured everything. I'm in college getting a computer science degree, so I know my way around computers. Some of the accountability software's can easily be surpassed, so we upscaled to a full-blown spy software. As soon as he found it, he felt the need to tell my parents about it, thinking it was outrageous I would voluntarily install it on my computer. He just didn't understand. He knew about my addiction prior to finding the software, and he also knew my girlfriend was actively involved in my recovery. That's probably why he was near my computer looking at receipts on my desk, a bit snoopy if you ask me.

Anyway, after my parents found out I called them and told them on the phone why the software was on there. They were both at work at the time. I have really understanding parents and after they got home we talked about it for about 2 hours. I couldn't hold back the tears or the emotions, I've been through a lot with my PA, it has caused a lot of problems that I wish I could have fixed early on. They saw the legitimacy behind the problem and they understood after seeing how worked up I got. They thought it was good I had someone to check the software for me and rely on to keep me healthy. For me, telling my parents actually turned out quite nice. They learned why things didn't work out with my girlfriend when we moved in together and it was nice to know that they knew the truth. Overall it was a positive experience, but not all parents are the same and everyone has their own opinion on P. Telling your parents is really something that has to be taken on a case by case basis.