I'm looking for a BUDDY who can help me with my "cross"

[popthehood]

Hi everyone. I'm popthehood and I'm looking for anyone who can help me with this guilt and depression that im feeling. I'm usually a happy person that sometimes even have a 'pollyanna syndrome,' which means overly optimistic sometimes. I think im bi-polar but luckily got over it. I am not straight. Either i am bisexual or gay. I have a girlfriend but i still have loads of feelings for boys or men, sexually that is. Sometimes, when someone asks me about my sexuality i feel like responding with a very intelligent answer or defense against my being gay but i cant say anything cool. i just am me. I'm sure God didn't assign me to be gay to make me suffer. He'd be a sadist to do so. All i know is I KNOW NOTHING but HIM. I am unsure of anything BUT HIM. I am not "out" but plan to do so when i turn 25. I never want to live a gay lifestyle. I barely have friends but definitely not lonely. I am a porn addict. I always open GAY PORN even in the workplace. Guilt overrides my system and there is no one i can trust. Ive tried meeting with pastors in my community but they drop names and Im afraid they will tell other people about me. I am scared and I sometimes dont know what to do. I masturbate almost everyday. I enjoy watching gay porn, fantasizing about them. I cry and usually feel guilty. On the lighter note, I'm a christian and try to confess my sins and receive communion. i also told my girlfriend, two of my best friends, my family that im bisexual or maybe gay. They can trust me because I may have gay sexual experiences but never had ORAL or ANAL sex with other gays. I just wanna live a decent life. A simple life. I want to become a film director focusing on family, values and simplicity on life. i want to change the film industry in our country by presenting the gray shades of life, not just the black and white. I need help. Now. Thank you and please do support me...

[futurehope]

Hi there pth,

There's many people on here, gay and straight, who are dealing with the P problem. Welcome. Have a read of people's journals and the getting started guides. Looking at P at work is a sign you have a strong compulsion...and that could get you into trouble...as I'm sure you know. I'm sure you'll find this site useful as a non-judgemental place to share you struggles and get useful suggestions... best of luck.

[Bird-boy]

I'm guessing a lot of us "P addicts" wished we just had a cleaner life, free from every single sick thought that popped into our heads. We want to be on the right path, and live life the right way.
I suggest you never give up that hunger for being right with yourself and God; that want of never doing anything that makes yourself feel guilty afterwards. As long as you hold on to that hope, there will always be the possibility of having the good future you want. Never give up getting close to God, andif there is any Christian fellowship in your community for whatever age group you're in, I suggest joining it.
Good luck. I hope we will live good lives.

[Bird-boy]

I wrote in one person's recovery journal that it is important to use this website for all it's worth; to do that we must look at all the other forums, browse around, read other people's recovery journals (, and start our own,) and leave your insight or any advice that you think of to help people. As you browse around the forums, and introduce yourself, and help people, you will build friendships, and gain many people who will help you, too.

Making friends, who help you with your journey or recovery to a better, cleaner, guilt and stress free live, is a great thing that we can have. Never give up coming to this website (and don't forget about eventually finding that IN Person group or person that you can FULLY and COMPLETELY trust), because this website has A LOT that can help. Browse around the forums; and don't forget, in times of trouble, that someone personally typed to you that this website is Worth coming to and will help you so much.