Mad at God

[Charly22]

This is something that my pa'd husband has tried to explain to me. My heart is broken because when the addiction was peeled away, when the hurt that is underneath it was revealed, when all the support groups and myself included encouraged him to pray and give it over to god, and when he found himself still struggling, and claims he never got any help from god, god did not answer him, god did not help him, he has cast god aside.

This after all of our years together, praying together when things were tough, thanking god for each other and the love we share, getting baptised together for the first time, doing what our hearts called us to do when we felt compelled to help others, doing it in the name of jesus.

When he first began uncovering this addiction, and ended up on antidepressants, and then went through an outrageous withdrawal period coming off of them (the meds totally turned him into something neither of us expected) such bitterness bubbled up inside of him. He got mad cause he prayed for god to help him not have to deal with these urges and this addiction, and when the urges still showed their ugly face, he has turned this into god is not there, god didn't help him.

I know that god will find him, I know that he has to be the one to call upon god. I even tried to help him imagine that maybe that was the lesson god wanted him to learn....he had to do this on his own, he had to find it within HIMSELF to do it, and it is within himself where god exists. Not some telegram he'll get in the mail, not some external audible voice he will hear with instructions, not some magic wand that gets waved and it all disappears.

But now, here we are, he has denounced god, got mad at god, and even though he is slowly letting go of the bitterness, and claims he is not sure if he believes in god anymore. And it breaks my heart. My tendency has always been to try to convince him, give him some inspirational words, all it does is break my heart even more.

I need to wait on god. God will take care of this in Gods time. I just get so heartbroken now, when I want to say a prayer, or even mention god, he turns away, does not acknowledge me or god in that way. Its more pain on top of what is already killing me.

Guess I mistakenly think some magic wand will be waved and he will wake up one day and be ready to face the lord again.

My heart is soooo broken over this.....

Could use some words of wisdom......

Some hope to cling on to.......

[dave]

I can relate to some of this . . . . I just cleared 2 years clean and am in a marriage of over 35 years.
I suppose it depends how we see God. My relationship has changed through this addiction. If I smoke for 25 years and I think God has set the world up such that I will cough out junk for quite some time . . . . perhaps the withdrawl, which I also experiences extensively, is a similar consequence. Even after all my sobriety I have my days . . . . it's not that I am tempted to return to P and MB . . it is more that 'eye candy' is very powerful on me. All those years of obsession have worn patterns in my wiring that I still struggle with.

I was fortunate in being able to find a great counsellor. She helped me excavate a great deal of how I got into this mess. I have several Dave's inside and they show up when I am under stress. Often the angry Dave is really disappointed in himself. I have to let this Dave rant and roar sometimes, and when he calms down and I return to my 58 year old Dave in the present, I can reflect on what the angry Dave needed that wasn't happening.

Yes I am a Christian but I think God is in us in so many interesting ways. Our addiction blocks many of those ways and it taked time to open ourselves up again.

My recovery is a miracle, but it didn't happen over night like the TV evangelist claim. It took time, PLENTY OF TEARS, graciousness to let myself hearl slowly . .. . I am still on the journey.

I want to encourage you both . . it can be done.

Dave

[boris]

Charly22, I'm so sorry that you have this additional heartbreak to contend with.

Unfortunately, we all bear the consequences of our actions. God can forgive anything we do, if we are repentant and turn around from our sinful course. Because we are forgiven doesn't mean that we won't reap what we have sown. It's a sad reality, but we PAs are here because of our own doing.

I hope that your husband can bring himself to see this. God doesn't always lessen our burden, but he will give us the strength to deal with it, even if we fail again and again. You may want to pray that God give your husband the strength to get through the toughest time of breaking this addiction. Pray that he be able to handle the withdrawal symptoms, as well as the cravings. You know that God hasn't abandoned your husband, even if he is convinced of that fact.

Is he here on the site? If not perhaps you can encourage him to at least check it out as a guest. Everyone's beliefs are respected here, whether or not one believes in God, regardless how they choose to worship. Maybe he could avail himself of the support of others struggilng with the same problem.

Charly, you and your husband are in my prayers.

Boris

[2frustrated]

If the God you believe in is indeed the best, the most loving, perfect, etc., then for Him to lift the burden of P off of your husband is not even a possibility. That is, if the universe was created in such a way that the maximum amount of love and creativity are possible, then that requires individual wills to be at complete liberty. This is because the highest love, and the highest creative (scientific/artistic) acts, require a consistency of nature, and a freedom of the will, which make possible those acts to be pure actions of the spirit. For God to somehow manipulate nature, or manipulate your husband's own desires and actions,so that he's suddenly free from P, would go against the very fabric of the universe--that universe which allows the greatest possible love to exist. God, in essence, would have to lessen the universe's potential to facilitate the best and most perfect love. Tell your husband, then: "Go forth, get on thy knees, and thank God for the great liberty he hath granted thee, and for the joy you have in overcoming, in freely choosing to embrace the good and the beautiful, over the ugly. It is truly a miracle within thy own soul."

(By the way, if anyone wishes to hear a more sound argument of the necessity of free will, and God's apparent (but not real) ambivalence, read Leibniz's "Theodicy.")

[cyberpunk]

First of all I want to echo what has been said and particularly agree with what Dave has said.

In John 3:8 it says "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you don't know where the wind comes from or where it's going. That's the way it is with everyone born of the Spirit." I believe that God is slowing molding us and changing us, as we let him, and one day we'll look back and say "Wow, I've really changed!" I think that part of turning our will over to God is accepting his time table and I don't think it would do us any good if he just took away our struggles and trials because we would cease to grow.

Again in 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." The key here is that God does not remove the temptation but provides an exit that we can choose to use or not.

Regardless it is easy to want it now and then get angry at God when we have to wait. In my own faith (LDS) there is a scripture that says "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." I like to think that you don't get the cookies without baking and you can't earn a diploma without school. An addict can't overcome without diligent, sustained effort.

[Desert Ghost]

Here is another thought based on something that I once heard - "one second with God is an eternity for man". So, expecting God to instantly remove your shortcomings and character defects just is not realistic. An anyways this shortcomings and character defects are what make us - "US". Otherwise we would be a generic person, just like anyone else.

[debv]

I understand how your PA feels, even though I'm an SO, not a PA. I've been praying for months about all of this, and feel very much like I've gotten no answer. Everything I've seen about answers to prayers is "you'll find it within yourself eventually." Well, to me, that's not an answer to a prayer, that's me figuring out my own answer and my own way to deal with all of this. I'm a lay eucharistic minister, sing in the choir, and was a vestry member for the past 3 years, with my term ending this past January. I was very spiritual, and very believing. My PA has turned more to God and he says he's received help and comfort, but I've received nothing, and frankly that makes me even more upset. I did nothing yet God makes me suffer, and my PA was an addict watching absolutely disgusting horrible stuff for 14 years and he gets his prayers answered and finds peace?

I still believe in God, but in a much more agnostic way now. I believe God created the world, but has left it to its own devices. I'm not sure when He stopped stepping in. But if He were still stepping in, I have no doubt that we'd go the way of Soddom and Gommorrah. Free will allows people to make choices which mentally and physically hurt other people, innocent bystanders, to the point of physical and spiritual death. A God who was active in His world wouldn't allow that.

I have a friend whose wife is seriously mentally ill and also has debilitating MS. God isn't lifting that from her. I have another friend, a 15yo, who's gone legally blind since January. God isn't lifting that from him. God isn't lifting this from me, despite my prayers.

Recently, we were driving to scout camp and one of the drivers decided to pull over and check the lights on his trailer, and when he did the car behind him lost his brakes but was able to stop in the berm. Had it happened at a highway exit, the guy would have slammed into the trailer and there would have been injuries to scouts in both cars. I did chalk that up to God, but it may just have been luck. What frustrates me is that God seems to maybe answer some people's prayers, but not others. Why?

I am working on finding the strength within myself to deal with this. I am not counting on anything coming from God, or anywhere else.

[maggie]

Deb,

I can understand why you feel bad that God has not answered your prayers. It is rare that I pray for something and receive it. However, when I do pray to God to help me bare some awful burden, I feel as though I receive some additional strength. No, the burden doesn't go away entirely, but I feel it is lifted slightly.

But, honestly Deb, what would the alternative be like ?

If we just decided that he will not help us or answer our prayers and we 100% gave up asking and hoping, I fear that we would all become very sad and depressed.

We can't give up hope. Hope that God will help us in his own way. Hope that we will heal from this horrible betrayal. Hope that our partner will never hurt us like this ever again.

[Charly22]

I think God wants us to reach within for what we need, I think God has already given all of us what we need to survive and thrive, he has shown us the way, it is up to us to fall in line with what has been shown. So, we pray, and find strength and inspiration....but it is within our own selves that we find what god has already given us...we just never realize its there...or don't put it to use.

Another one of the many quotes that stick to my brain:

I asked God for all things so I may enjoy life...God said "no, I give you life so you may enjoy all things"

[debv]

I have do doubt that God exists and created the universe, including me. God gave me the resources to work this out. But the answers aren't going to come from prayer, they're going to come from me. I need to learn, I need to work, I need to think - use the resources that I have. That doesn't negate hope. It just takes the focus away from the external and puts it on me.