brokensoul my journey

[brokensoul]

Just joined this site today
after reading many of the threads
i think that getting some of this out will help me on my way
It's been two weeks since my wife left me a note on my key board with print out of my online activities the note was to the piont get help
i have not viewed P for two weeks
the urges are there but i have not giving in
my wife and i our talking and i have opened up me computer and emails password to her so she openly check on me and not have to be a private eye
I deleted email account that i was using for my on line porn persona
I know it will be hard and i have to reearn the trust that my wife and i had
thankfully she is willing to stay with me as i work thru this
15days towards a new life

[utzymergy]

Broken, welcome. I am sure that was painful and stopped your heart.

You will be happier, trust me. I am at 5 weeks now, seems forever and I am struggling now more than I have up to this point.

As you read more and more logs, you will see that there are triggers which will set you off. Mine tends to be my family being gone for even an hour or days. I catch myself thinking, hey, I will have some alone time, and then immediately think about hitting some porn sites. I try to justify this by telling myself that I will just hit some sexy sites, and not something heavy, but that is a farce.

1. Figure your your triggers...
2. If you feel yourself getting close to falling, leave the house, talk to your wife, or if you are online, come here...
3. Put a net nanny type product on...annoying but effective...
4. Hang in there and think about how hard you have worked for two weeks and how you do not want to waste that huge hurdle...

We are all proud of you and you help inspire us. Thanks, because we all need that from each other.

[HalfPint]

Welcome to the forums brokensoul. I'm glad you decided to start a recovery journal off the bat and get to the point and post whats going on. Some people hesitate about creating a journal and I believe its one of the most beneficial things to ones journey in becoming porn free. Keeping tabs on yourself and your activities sure does help, especially when it comes to how well you've been doing. Its also a good way for people like me and others around here to give you encouragement and to offer you ideas on what you can do differently.

I have to admit, I somewhat like the way your wife did things, putting a note on your computer instead of confronting you face to face. I know with me, if I was confronted face to face I would shut my shell, so to speak, and most of what was said would probably go in one ear and out the other. Her leaving a note shows she loves you, and she cares and wants you to stop, and I would have to say, without reading it, that it seems like a less aggressive/less angry way of doing things, its more of a "I know your doing it, I still love you, now please try to stop". I would live to encourage you to post on your recovery journal as often as possible, that way you will get more chances for encouragement and for positive reinforcement. I would also like encourage you to, if you haven't already, read the site rule located here: More about ThroughTheFlame.org :so that you can know what and what not to do.

If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to talk to me, or one of the other moderators on the forum. If you're unsure who's a moderator just take a look under our nicknames and you will see a badge that says "community moderator". There is one beneath my name that you can use as an example.

I wish you the best of luck. Like said in batman begins by alfred the butler to bruce. "Why do we fall? so that we can learn to pick ourselves up". Also, a saying I like to say is "The only loser is someone who gives up, don't give up, and you wont lose". Keep looking forward brokensoul, and again, I wish you the best of luck.

[brokensoul]

was feeling weak just a hour ago wife was napping and had family issues with my mom she has cancer and my grandmother dead last monday mom fall on tuesday after i left and rebroke her hip
i almost broke down but knowing that i would have to come back and tell you all that i did keep me on track
thanks

[brokensoul]

i was about to copy and send your reply to my wife but she just got up and i showed it to her it made her smile thank you

[brokensoul]

rough day today
was reading different thread saw the one about your mind being a computer
will this morning mine started up and a photo started to up load not clear but just fuzzy. don't know why tried to think about different thing but it keep up loading
it was 3 hours of fear almost went online to send this when i got to work
I need to get some direction on triggers
i know i need to change old habits that could get me back on that back road it was on
Started a week ago waking up later so i just have time to check email and my baseball
started checking email at lunch so i won't be on so much when i come home
Am going to a meeting wenesday tonight to work on these issues
but i found this group i had contacted so local groups just get another email today about another group
will look at other forums to see if i can find so things i need to know so i can keep it going
thanks for the support

[Little lock]

Hey brokensoul. Its nice to see that you are taking action to comabt your P addiction. Maybe you can what FM and the other mods always advocated-writing down a list of your main triggers and what you're going to do when the urge strikes. Its always good to be prepared for when the moment hits.

Good luck to you!

[brokensoul]

today was a good day no real issues
the photo shop in my mind didn't go into free download today
tommorrow eveing i'm going to a meeting of a p free group
i've opened up online can i do it face to face
wish me luck
i'm sure i can and the feeling i got when i joined this week and just let out should be better in person
will start to work on what triggers me
also got the eft download today which someone suggested and started to read it
thanks for your support and i hope that my good thoughts help others

[utzymergy]

You are doing great!!! Everything you are describing is normal and you just have to make an effort to do the opposite of what your mind is telling you.

Triggers....the suggestion on identifying them is exactly what you need to do and then having a plan to counteract.

I feel proud every time I make it through a tough moment or many...I bet you have felt good when you have made it through. Hang on that feeling.

Keep it up!!

[brokensoul]

tonight i was going to a group meeting
now i have to change that plan
we lost our youngest cat today
he was 6 the vet was taking him in for a teeth cleaning give him a shot to calm him on the drive
my wife said she didn't feel good after he got the shot
we lost him on the way
my wife called me i left work and helped her get throw the rest of her day (she is an artist and a dog walker)
she's sleeping now after so drinks
i'm alone here and it feels good that i didn't think about any but our lost and how i can try to help her
this maybe just me going on but i feel to you have to get things out
if we keep them inside or not talk others
that's how we started down this road
sent email to local group leader and told him of these issues
next week i will be there
and i will open up daily her