brokensoul my journey

[brokensoul]

after yester i thought maybe i would break down
sent emails to my wife today she is really broken up over the lost of our cat
the tough thing yesterday was tring to comfort her knowing that she see's me as a pa
I was at a lost about how to ??? not sure of the words
will try to talk some more tonight
the fact that i have lost her trust is really getting to me
i know it will take time to get that back
i will keep working on this and sending out these thoughts

[FoolishMind]

Hey brokensoul, it is really tough to think your still kind of in the dog house so to speak, and you want to comfort your wife, but you may think she might still think bad of you etc.

Re Trust, while it is such a huge important factor in any relationship, if you eliminate the need for trust, it wont be so bad. What I mean by this is, 6 months on, I still do not expect my wife to trust me. Through internet filters, phone calls etc, I give her a way to know always where I am and what im doing. It puts her mind at ease, when shes relaxed, Im relaxed. Thats currently how I live, and without trust, I still give and receive more love than our previous 5 years of marriage where I was a P user!

Be strong my friend, keep focussed, it will get easier.

FM

[brokensoul]

just got home from work yerterday my mother went back into hospitial
my wife is out
logged on just so i could get some time to put thoughts down
did log in yesterday with a long reply but something happen to it
other the last 3 weeks i feel like my life is a bad country song
first my wife confronting me a my p issues (but that should be a good thing) next my grandmother passed away
than while out east at my grandmothers my mom went into the hospital (change home wenesday)
lost one our cat this week (my wife is still hurting and i try to comfort her but it's hard to kown how)
so i home alone now
i think i'll just finish this and maybe go out and check the plants in the garden
because i see that search bar
still clean

[utzymergy]

When you talk to people to struggle through an addiction, tough times can kick you off the wagon, so you are doing great with handling this. Keep thinking "still clean".

Also, coming on here, and then out to the garden was a wise choice and shows how much you want to succeed.

Great work!! And hang in there. You are a strength to your wife, even though it may not seem like it. Also to your mother.

[brokensoul]

have been reading forums over the last few days
but have not had anything to write over the last few days
my mom went into icu on sunday night

today things look better on that front and my dad is holding up well
having these family issues has been something to keep me focused on the real world not the place i would just go to get away from problems
I 'm starting to see that i would look at p just to make the world go away for a while
I see that over the years that i have tried to keep things on a even path
work around the rough spots, didn't hit them dead on
my wife and i are joking about stuff alittle
but i know getting back into her trust wouldn't be easy
there are things we need to get out on the table
my issues with p
money issues from both our past
and how we can start on a new path
just checking in

[brokensoul]

it's been a good
no issues
but i feel like i'm opening up
still have things i need to get out
but not ready yet
if my count is right tommorrow
should be 30 day p free

[brokensoul]

I'm going to open up here
i'm in my second marriage
i cheated on my first wife with current wife
she had been divoriced from her first husband
i'm not sure of the issue but he did cheat on her i think
a bond brought us together
my wife and i had started to go in different ways
she new my first wife
i'm starting to see that my p issue is a way of cheating on my wife without doing the act
am on a key board looking at a screen
maybe putting out suggestive comments
ok i can post some photos
it's ok i'm not cheating in the real world
How dumb could i be
so now this is the second time in my wife life that someone has cheated on her
I glad in can get this out
going outside water plant maybe listen NPR

[brokensoul]

have made it thru 30 days with p
but something iside me happen sunday
yesterday i did mb
sunday night my wife and i talked about it because she could see i was having issues
she has done her home work on pa and i have done some too
I saw that there our to camps on the mb issue
i did what i did and today i don't feel bad about it
no pictures went thru my mind
I just needed to put this out so i don't hide things

[brokensoul]

just read some new post
also spend a half hour watching
my wife work on a new painting
my mind is jumping around
not on p issues but how our brain takes in the information
and how it's filtered
4 years ago yesterday i fell and totally damaged my left elbow
it took two days for the DR to figure out what he could do if anything
the morning i was to have the operation
the dr said he needed another day to get what it would take to maybe fix the elbow
i had not seen the x-ray so i asked to see it
i can read blue prints and x-rays are just or body blue prints
when i saw it
I told him he didn't have sh*t to work with
we laughed
the next day 7 hours of work he did his best
after the operation (no one told me this till months later they thought i would lose the arm or at best i might regain some use)
well i worked hard rehab
work at home on days that i did do rehab
I can use my arm better than any thought i might
It was my will power
and after getting off the p for over 30 days
my mind as opened up
again i can use this same will power to keep off p
and to try to get back in my wife's trust

[brokensoul]

well i guess i put lots of thoughts today
Had fun last 2 hours with my wife
we just watched the season ending show of dr who
didn't like the ending but it was a good night
i hope others here had good days today