After much encouragement from new member thread, I’ve decided to start a journal. I’ve never been much for journal keeping. I’ve tried a time or two (not necessarily in order to break an addiction but just because a lot of people seem to think its useful for life in general). So, I don’t know how frequently I’ll post but I do hope that I’ll write at least weekly.
On July 1, my wife found porn that I had downloaded previously. I’ve had no problems being “clean” since that day, because I’m really worried about my marriage ending. We haven’t been married that long (coming up on three years) and porn has been a problem the whole time (even before that really). My wife has done a remarkable job of staying with me and trying to be supportive. But, she’s told me before that she is very much at the end of her rope. I don’t know if she’ll be able to stick with me through this one or not.
I think much of the problem is that early on I didn’t see it as a real issue. I figured what I did in private shouldn’t really be an issue as long as I’m not cheating on her (with a real person). She’s made me see that I was wrong. I’m sure it does affect our relationship, although I’m probably too blind right now to know exactly how. I look forward to seeing our relationship in the future when I’m P free (if she decides to stay).
I have tried to quit before. I can actually make it for fairly long lengths (weeks if not a few months) of time but eventually I slip back in. I know that one thing that lets me fall back into it is looking at things that aren’t strictly pornography but are pictures I find arousing; women in swimwear or lingerie. Then one of those pictures will have a woman in a sheer top. I’ll think hell I’ve already seen one woman’s breasts so what’s the harm in seeing another. Then next it’s topless photos or movies, then a spiral back to where it began.
This time I’ve written out a list of what is strictly prohibited and I’ve included things like R rated images or women in swimwear or lingerie. I’ve allowed myself the privilege of seeing any kind of mainstream movie as long as I’m not alone (and by that I don’t mean watching in a theatre with other people that I don’t know, I mean going to a movie with friends or my wife or renting a movie with friends or my wife. If anyone has experience with that particular experiment let me know how it worked out.
I know that the next couple of weeks will be relatively easy (unless she leaves, then I really don’t know what will happen). But after a couple of weeks, when life sort of seems to be settling back to normal that’s when things will slowly creep back into the back of my brain. I hope weekly postings will help. I hope some of you will call me out if I go too long without a post. I’m going to start my P free count on July 1 (It’s actually longer but I think the “caught” day will make a very memorable marker). So today is 10 days!
I’ve installed K9 blocker but right now I have the password (don't worry that isn't the long-term plan). I think it’s very good. I’m able to visit my normal legitimate sites without interference. I haven’t really tested its blocking ability (afraid to). The only complaint that I have is that the history can only be accessed from my computer. I would really prefer that my history be able to be sent in an email or logged to a server where someone else could check on me without having to feel like they are invading my privacy (which is basically exactly what’s going on and what needs to happen). I use a macintosh so most of the software doesn't work. Safe eyes is one program I'm looking at so if anybody has used it and want's to share a review with me I'd appreciate it.
Location: Currently Utah, but I'm an East Coaster at heart.
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07-11-2008, 04:37 PM
Hey Wreck, congrats on starting your journal.
Let me offer one solid piece of advice--come here more often than once per week. I, like you, can go for weeks or months without a slip-up, but if I'm not coming here daily, then I inevitably start to slip. Trust me, you need the constant reminders, and the constant support.
If you don't want to post every single day, that's fine (although I suggest posting as often as you can), but at least be sure to read a few posts by others on a daily basis, and contribute when you feel so inclined.
Good luck with your struggle, Wreck. You can make this the beginning of your new life without P, and a new relationship with your wife wherein she is everything to you.
I'll start with the good news. 16 days P free! Actually, I haven't really had much in the way of temptations. I've been very busy trying to save my marriage and worrying about what things will be like if it ends. But fortunately, on that front, it looks like my wife is up for trying, again, to work things out (translation; giving me another chance to sort myself out). I really want this to go well and not to have to drag her through this again (for what could very likely be a relationship ending relapse). It's her birthday this week so I'm feeling especially terrible about having ruined another one of her birthdays. But, I'm trying to look at it as if I'm giving her the one gift I know she truly wants. Being married to a guy without a P problem. I just really hope I'm actually giving that to her. I want very badly for this to be the end of her (and me) having to deal with this.
It looks like we will probably be going to some kind of couples counseling. I'm not sure why, but I find the idea of sitting in a therapy/counseling session pretty terrifying. She doesn't really think of it as being so scary. Anybody out there who's done this? Can you tell me what to expect? Did you find it helpful?
Thanks to everyone who replies. I find every word of encouragement offered to be very motivational.
Wreck, you are doing great. keep this up. Know your triggers (great advice from others), and don't let yourself get bored. Think of the success so far and let that carry your need and desire to be successful going forward. I think that when I have temptation, surviving brings some awesome feelings. Until the next temptation hits . Then it presents another moment for success and a great feeling of having beat it. Yeah, it is a positive spiral.
Hey Wreck,
Welcome and congratulations on the nearly three weeks you been Pfree thus far. Know that some of the positive changes with being P free will be, at times, hard to measure and their increments may seem small, but over time these steps you have made towards healthier behavior will be profound. It is a journey like any other with ups and down. What's most important is the direction.
I'm still a bit of a newbie here and I haven't been Pfree so very long, but for me the benefits are very apparent.
50 days in. Doesn't feel as good as one might think. I am 50 days P free a long time to be sure. I have MB a handful of times over the last 50 days. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that there is quite a debate here in TTF about how MB should be dealt with in trying to break the addiction. I think that sometimes it was essentially necessary to avoid going looking for P material. But, of course, I'm sure it wasn't really necessary maybe just another way that my self discipline is lacking.
In fact, part of the reason that I'm a little down on myself despite the 50 day milestone is the use of an internet blocker. I'm using K9 Web Protection (which is great) and Safe Eyes (which kind of stunk). The blocker works great and in fact I really haven't tested it, but the point is that I was unable to make good progress much of the time without a blocker and so it almost seems like cheating in a way. It seems like I'm just treating the symptoms, not the real problem (I'm not sure what the "real problem" is). I'm sort of just hoping that over time the urge gets weaker instead of stronger. So far it seems to be working, but I don't really have any reason to be assured that this is a logical course of action.
The other, probably more serious, reason that I'm feeling rather low is that my wife is still pretty unhappy. I certainly don't expect her wounds to have healed but still, being reminded that you've hurt someone that you really love is not a way to make yourself smile. Last night she was really fretting over a couple of issues. One is that of course I've tried to quit several times before and haven't been honest with her when I relapsed. So, she doesn't really trust that I've been P free. This is despite the internet blockers, which she recognizes are not the only ways to get P. I try to reassure her but it's the same rhetoric I used previously when I've tried to quit so I understand that it isn't the most convincing thing to hear.
Her other issue is that despite being P free going forward she still is dealing pain from my previous P problems. She isn't sure she wants to be married to someone who was able to put our relationship aside for a P fix when I knew that she didn't approve. She was asking me how I was able to mentally "delete" her and our relationship while I looked at P. It seems like a reasonable question but I really don't have an answer. When one of those episodes hit, it was just possible. Not a very comforting answer to her at all (or to me). Have people thought hard about this. What are we doing when we mentally shove loved ones aside? What's actually happening?
Thanks for the support and good luck to everyone in reaching their goals.
I can share much of your situation
A few ideas:
- are you connected to any 12 step group - some new efort on your behalf will help you and show hre a sincere effort
- any counseling ??
- I wrote e lengthy entry on what goes on in our minds when we use - it is in the general section and titled
"to all the so's who are going nuts" perhaps it will help
Hang in there
Dave
My theory about how we can use P and run the risk of killing our most important relationships, "mentally shove[ing] loved ones aside":
"compartmentalizing".
We men compartmentalize our lives to the extent that we can do virtually anything in each compartment and work hard to pull the cords so the compartments do not communicate with each other.
It doesn't work real well as guilt and conviction transcend the compartments.
That's what I did anyway.
One second I was in the P compartment, the next I was in the do-chores compartment, and back and forth etc., etc.
Women in general do not compartmentalize but sort of (I think) see everything as a continuum or a tapestry, one big picture not a series of small disconnected ones.
Another observation that I think you are discovering in practice: the only way to really beat the P craving is to starve it to death. And it's a slow and painful death in my experience.
Yes, just putting in blockers and other controls is treating the symptoms not the root. But these treatments are still necessary, just so long as the root is not ignored. And you (and I) continue to learn good habits and not reinforce the old destructive bad habits.
Everyone probably has a different opinion on what the root is. To have control, to get a release, to escape, reacting to all manner of emotions, etc., etc.
In my case I focused on changing my thinking about P, learned about the destruction it causes (in my own life for example) for the P watchers and the actors/actresses etc. Their lives are a wreck in general.
Once the raw horror was unmasked, it became harder to get excited about...
The Wreck Journal -
07-10-2008, 06:02 PM
. Then it presents another moment for success and a great feeling of having beat it. Yeah, it is a positive spiral.
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