Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

Well, this is tougher than I thought. I joined here 2 days ago on 2nd July and made the decision to stop P and MB so I'm going to start my journal entries with just how I am and tonight I'm struggling.

Just got back from a singing group that used to be very energising and found that I was just grumpy and arguing in myself at everything the leader and others did. I'm sure that it's my own moods that are screwy but if I hadn't made this promise to myself to stop I know tonight I'd be surfing for P.

So instead I'm posting here and going to switch off and go to bed. Didn't sleep well last night with changing what has been a very long term habit so hopefully will sleep better tonight and continue changing my own wiring back to something sane.

I'm very thankful to be able to do this rather than just stay in the pit.

[FoolishMind]

Youve got the perfect attitude here Rowlf! Your starting to change your routine, getting into differing activities, in which after you feel energised and productive. Well done.

Secondly, acknowledging your moods. This is really quite hard to do early on in your journey, but yes, I have noticed what a moody guy i used to be, My wife must have had to tread on eggshells, yet now, im literally bouncing of the walls!

Looking forward to following your journey, i think its gonna be a good one!

[Vilema]

Just checking in to see how things are going with you Rowlf. The first few days are pretty tough (they were for me anyway). Just remember, the freedom, clarity, energy and peace that comes from a P-free life is totally worth all the effort you're going to expend getting through this. You are worth the effort Rowlf. You can do this!

[Vorlan]

Hey Rowlf,

A belated welcome to the site. I like your positive attitude. Replacing old routines (using P) with new and better routines like TTF is one of the best ways to quit. I know exactly what you mean about bad moods too. P always made me depressed and cut me off from other people so I was usually in a bad mood.

It's good to see you're taking this one step at a time. Try to keep positive too.

Best of luck with beating this!

Ben

[Rowlf]

Thanks FM, Vilema and Ben,

It is so supportive to have this encouragement.

Had a good day today. Stayed out in town this afternoon, working on the laptop in a coffee shop and then went to the movies and for a meal with a friend. Just back now feeling mellow and it'll be off to bed soon. The thoughts of 'you're ok, just a little P cant' hurt' have been whispering in the back of the head.

Often weekend's have been 'danger' times as I would have often the afternoons / evenings here alone, playing computer games or working on the computer and my triggers of frustration / loneliness / jittery energy would end in hours of P and MB.

Just reading the thread on images and illumination's comment "I'd often been for months or even years without any exposure to P. Then I realised I had been playing back scenes in my mind when MBing or just fantasising, and these had kept the addiction going." certainly has struck a chord.

One question I have in being here is what is going to make this time different. I've quit before and always come back so I'm stating the following;

• I recognise this is an addiction that I haven't broken free of in 26 years, just had periods of dormancy so it's not going to just go away magically.
• Recently the degree of fascination has increased for me, the amount of free P easily available has increased and I now know I can't control myself around this.
• This time I'm making a public statement that I'm a P addict and want to change. I'm fed up with how I'm giving away my life-force way to this *****.
• I accept that I cannot use P without it taking over and me continuing to use until I get so low energy / depressed that I have to take drastic action to function again (going away etc)
• I can see also that I've got a pattern of using P and MB to actually drain away good energy and emotion in my life so that the net result is I stay where I am (or get even more stuck) I don't want this to continue and will find a way to hold / use the good energy
• I'm voluntarily stopping P and MB for at least 7 days (considering Farmer's pattern of 30 days and review - will review on the 7 day marker) to make a space to find out more about who I am when free of this.

Night all.

[Vilema]

You're off to a great start. You're recognizing your problem, acknowledging your issues with P and making a plan for overcoming. It's good that you're diving in to the forums with both feet too. I find that the encouragement, accountability and understanding I've recieved here to be most beneficial. I'm sure the same will be true for you. I've got faith in you Rowlf. I enjoy your posts and comments. I look foward to seeing more good things from you!

[Rowlf]

Being an extrovert, often things don’t seem real to me until I tell them to someone else. Being here on TTF is giving me a chance to be open and anonymous – so I want to use this opportunity and to post a bit more of my story – sort of get it out into the open.

I guess the fact about myself I find the most embarrassing (start at the top right!) is that at 41 I’m a virgin. I’ve only had one ‘real’ relationship and we didn’t go all the way to intercourse. Having this as an ‘un-shareable’ fact has been an major lock-pin in this pattern of addiction. I didn’t want to look at my pattern of behaviour and definitely didn't want to tell anyone about it.

I’m about to go into therapy with 2 incredibly astute therapists, and the issue I’m taking to them is that I wish to be in the right relationship / married. One of the things they ask for is a short life history and compiling a relationship history is when it brought home to me that was a PA – I’ll be talking with them about sexuality (v scary to do so) and I had pushed out of ‘normal’ awareness something that I did virtually every day and had a direct bearing on my issue. Darn clever the tricks my mind can play. The Dr. Jeckyl / Mr. Hyde metaphor is just incredibly apt. ‘Unfortunately’ I’ve voided the warranty on the ignorance ploy, taken out all the screws and now the darn thing won’t go back together!

I’ve been an increasing addict to porn for 25 years. Started with stories, soft pics then mags for years. Over the last 10 years it’s been increasing via the internet. Almost embarrassing how often I could come across set of pics that I’d seen years before (been doing this for too long). As I was noting previously the amount of video easily available to me seems to have increased exponentially recently and my level of craving seemed to have increased also. My usual pattern was reading erotic stories and masturbating for ½ -1 hour each evening – (too many routes in for all this, even on the smartphone) then it would get that this wasn’t enough so start surfing for pics/ vids esp. weekends. Then the usual pattern noted by many here of getting really low energy / depressed and swear off it until the next time then back to the stories as 'lesser' control value for sexual energy.

I’m a part time programmer putting internet filters on has only been of limited use as I could breeze through them (relishing the technical challenge and angrily not listening to my better self telling me not to.) It was by looking for accountability software as a different approach to stopping that led me here.

I certainly didn’t want to stop and I think without something like TTF I wasn’t going to.

I’ve got a very good friend who’s in AA and she’s the person I’ve talked to when things have got suicidally black (only by sharing with someone else who’s been in that position has given me the non-judgmental healing I needed to return -And going through those times allow me now to hold others there) – anyway in long talks with her we always reckoned I was just a drunk who doesn’t drink (I’m TT) – well now at a gut level I know what my addiction is and how I give my best self away.

The benefit of porn and MB for me was staying in control, of myself and my sexuality. I think the addictive pattern has a root in something even greater that can’t be ‘allowed’ in to awareness. I’ve been putting my sexuality in a nice controlled box so I really can play Dr. Jeckyl out there in the world. Having these legions of fantasy situations, in whatever form, always allowed me to find a new one that fitted my mood and fantasy partners who would always play the right role – not quite like real people! And it’s been a very effective way of numbing out (the heroin pump metaphor is again very apt) – just numb down all these internal anxieties, yearnings, longing, loneliness and pain of rejection. And MBing to P was a reliable, consistent way to get my high. I don't do drugs or even drink and it comes as a shock reading here post describe P and MB as getting high and recognising that description as correct for me.

In having to face up to some of that over the last few days has shown there is rather more Mr. Hyde in me that I want. The challenge now is to find a new way of dealing with those feelings when they come up and if I’m serious about trying for a relationship with a real woman, then they will come up…

Ok, this is enough for tonight. Today’s been OK I guess. Certainly tempted this afternoon but was here on TTF instead. Then tonight was as a choir concert with a lot of attractive women singing passionately and beautifully (does it for me!) so come back with feelings churned up. Hence this long missive.

And so to bed. (5 days clear and still going)

[Rowlf]

15 feelings in 15 seconds is how this all feels at times.

Been a good day today. I've been much more focussed at work (despite spending at bit too much time on TTF!) Got stuff done there.

Head is feeling a fair bit clearer today. I'm feeling much 'smoother' today after weeks of feeling 'jagged' and kinda low level anxious all the time. Had a great time at the pub with a couple of the guys at the pub after training.

Then sitting here at the computer I'm feeling the itch to surf so I think I'd better log off soon.

I've signed up to the July challenge so that means that I have now gone for the promise of 30 days celibacy. Thank to Farmer for posting this. I've found Farmer's journal really helpful (together with many others) for the discipline at tackling this. I need to develop that.

I think my energy, mind state and what I will be able know will be not the same as now from the very different place of 30 days (and more) clear of MB and P.

[jimmy78]

Rowlf!

Welcome to the site, and good luck in your journey. I'll keep it short and sweet and just say, we're all here for similar reasons... know that you're in good company (you already seem to know that!).

Best of luck and I look forward to following your progress.

JImmy

[Little lock]

Hey Rowlf. Just thought I pop by and thank you for your comments on my journal. They were really very helpful, and thanks alot. I'm in the July challenge as well, so best of luck to both of us and anyone else who has signed up for it:)