Being an extrovert, often things don’t seem real to me until I tell them to someone else. Being here on TTF is giving me a chance to be open and anonymous – so I want to use this opportunity and to post a bit more of my story – sort of get it out into the open.
I guess the fact about myself I find the most embarrassing (start at the top right!) is that at 41 I’m a virgin. I’ve only had one ‘real’ relationship and we didn’t go all the way to intercourse. Having this as an ‘un-shareable’ fact has been an major lock-pin in this pattern of addiction. I didn’t want to look at my pattern of behaviour and definitely didn't want to tell anyone about it.
I’m about to go into therapy with 2 incredibly astute therapists, and the issue I’m taking to them is that I wish to be in the right relationship / married. One of the things they ask for is a short life history and compiling a relationship history is when it brought home to me that was a PA – I’ll be talking with them about sexuality (v scary to do so) and I had pushed out of ‘normal’ awareness something that I did virtually every day and had a direct bearing on my issue. Darn clever the tricks my mind can play. The Dr. Jeckyl / Mr. Hyde metaphor is just incredibly apt. ‘Unfortunately’ I’ve voided the warranty on the ignorance ploy, taken out all the screws and now the darn thing won’t go back together!
I’ve been an increasing addict to porn for 25 years. Started with stories, soft pics then mags for years. Over the last 10 years it’s been increasing via the internet. Almost embarrassing how often I could come across set of pics that I’d seen years before (been doing this for too long). As I was noting previously the amount of video easily available to me seems to have increased exponentially recently and my level of craving seemed to have increased also. My usual pattern was reading erotic stories and masturbating for ½ -1 hour each evening – (too many routes in for all this, even on the smartphone) then it would get that this wasn’t enough so start surfing for pics/ vids esp. weekends. Then the usual pattern noted by many here of getting really low energy / depressed and swear off it until the next time then back to the stories as 'lesser' control value for sexual energy.
I’m a part time programmer putting internet filters on has only been of limited use as I could breeze through them (relishing the technical challenge and angrily not listening to my better self telling me not to.) It was by looking for accountability software as a different approach to stopping that led me here.
I certainly didn’t want to stop and I think without something like TTF I wasn’t going to.
I’ve got a very good friend who’s in AA and she’s the person I’ve talked to when things have got suicidally black (only by sharing with someone else who’s been in that position has given me the non-judgmental healing I needed to return -And going through those times allow me now to hold others there) – anyway in long talks with her we always reckoned I was just a drunk who doesn’t drink (I’m TT) – well now at a gut level I know what my addiction is and how I give my best self away.
The benefit of porn and MB for me was staying in control, of myself and my sexuality. I think the addictive pattern has a root in something even greater that can’t be ‘allowed’ in to awareness. I’ve been putting my sexuality in a nice controlled box so I really can play Dr. Jeckyl out there in the world. Having these legions of fantasy situations, in whatever form, always allowed me to find a new one that fitted my mood and fantasy partners who would always play the right role – not quite like real people! And it’s been a very effective way of numbing out (the heroin pump metaphor is again very apt) – just numb down all these internal anxieties, yearnings, longing, loneliness and pain of rejection. And MBing to P was a reliable, consistent way to get my high. I don't do drugs or even drink and it comes as a shock reading here post describe P and MB as getting high and recognising that description as correct for me.
In having to face up to some of that over the last few days has shown there is rather more Mr. Hyde in me that I want. The challenge now is to find a new way of dealing with those feelings when they come up and if I’m serious about trying for a relationship with a real woman, then they will come up…
Ok, this is enough for tonight. Today’s been OK I guess. Certainly tempted this afternoon but was here on TTF instead. Then tonight was as a choir concert with a lot of attractive women singing passionately and beautifully (does it for me!) so come back with feelings churned up. Hence this long missive.
And so to bed. (5 days clear and still going) 
Rowlf's Journal -
07-04-2008, 10:33 PM
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