Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

Thanks Vilema, Dave and Daniel for your posts. They help a very great deal.

I think the greatest way out of this situation is friends. This site is an amazing gift for me to be make friends from a position where I feel ashamed of myself.

Hanging clean for now. Yesterday was ok. Down with man-flu right now so life feels like wading through treacle.

Feel I'd like to write more but just too tired tonight. Hope everyone is doing well.

[bodget1974]

i totally agree this is the best site for this... i never would be able to talk about this without feeling horrible this site gives me the chance to be honest which feels great, and i'm not the best at writing thoughts down i sit reading some of the posts on the forums and wish i could reply in some great helpfull way, but normally don't manage anywords atall.

hope you feel better soon mate.

B

[Rowlf]

Hey, a good couple of days to report!

The time limit from K9 has really helped. Gives me a feeling of safety.

One of the things that Patrick Carnes book talks about is limits. On the net today there are effectively no limits. The way society is going we seem to demand that no one limits us. Which is all well and good but asks of us that we set appropriate limits for ourselves. No one can do everything (a childhood dream!)

For me, and I guess most of us, the area where we need correct limits is around P. Right now the place to set those limits is none and to not be around the internet when it's troubling.

I'm identifying the times and moods more clearly when all this is a problem and changing. I still need to change some habits around bedtimes. Things are working right now, but since I'm down with man-flu, my body has conveniently limited my available energy. When this energy returns I think I will need better habits there.

[Little lock]

Hey Rowlf. Sorry for the late post, and I'm sorry to hear about your relapse as well. For me, though, I still think that you're a great guy! Just ask ourselves, since starting this journey, how many times have you fallen? And how many times have you gotten back up? I mean, just think, the average person would probably be floored after just one relapse. It would seem to them like a crushing blow, after spending so much time, energy and willpower, only to see it fall apart in the end.

But what about us? How many times have we fallen of the bandwagon, yet how many times have we gotten back up? The answer is probably everytime. Just going by that sheer amount of willpower needed to overcome something like that would seem like a superhuman feat. And yet, you, me and all the others here have managed to pull this feat off everytime. All of us here are still fighting and trying.

Best of luck!

[Rowlf]

Hi All,

Just back from helping out at the end of an intense coaching summer school - It's been a bit rough after that with very strong urges. I'm sure the trigger is feeling lonely and cut off after a few days of emotional closeness and being around interesting women.

Am now just taking things one hour at a time in the evenings (any time after 7 seems problematic over the last couple of days).

Last night started mindless surfing and was straying into danger area, but was able to switch off in time. Felt very flat. I'll switch off earlier tonight and read.

[dave]

welcome back
I always worry when a fellow traveller is gone for a stretch.
I know what you mean by triggers and temptation after a busy stretch.
Hang in there. It will be worth it.
Integrity and confidence grows but it can be tough
Dave

[Daniel]

Rowlf,

Isn't ironic how "time away" can be helpful but at the same time dangerous in that we forget how to stay hyper-vigilant to triggers, thoughts etc.?

Glad you're 'back' and things are holding together.

Best Regards,

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Things very nearly not holding together. Had my biggest struggle yet this afternoon - ended up praying in tears after getting too aroused. Heaven is helping and I got through that one.

So, I'm taking things very carefully tonight.

Install procon on all my firefox instances and that feels better. I'm using a prayer as password - hope that helps me to remember! Might need to get an accountability partner for the next month or so...

[dave]

What sorts of busy activities do you have in your life?
For me it is garden work, music and driving 90 minutes one way to an SAA meeting.
Prayer works for me too but sometimes I need an activity that gets my butt out the door.
Take care
Dave

[Rowlf]

Dave, thanks for the great reminder - when 'in the grip' I need something that gets me away from the computer!!!!

I've slipt again today. The urges have been overwealming and I foolishly didn't take them seriously enough.

It's been 2 months since I joined TTF. July went well. August was not so good and Sept started badly. But if I look at this another way, even with the slips I'm seriously addressing a 26 year old problem, I'm in a different place than I was in June.

I've had another great reminder today. I phone a friend in AA looking for some 12 step sponsorship (no SAA near me ) and he asked the rather good question of how involved I was in TTF when it has been so helpful in the first month. The answer is not enough - so I'm going to try and post again daily for the next month (barring travel)