Rowlf's Journal

[Little lock]

Its nice to see you again Rowlf! Im sorry that september has not been going to well for you. Like you, I stayed away from TTF for a tad too long during august and ended up relapsing, so I'm going to try to be more active here. Ohya, and do post in the August challenge thread telling me how well you did, and did you complete the challenge successfully or not. Best of luck!

[Rowlf]

Today has been a good day.

I decided to take the day off as I've been continuing to feel flu'y for ages and it's got worse recently. Since this feeling has been around for 6 weeks or so I think it's probably got a lot to do with an internal struggle with my addictive patterns.

Been listening to some really great talks from Paul O on the XA speakers site. He's a recovered alcoholic and is very funny in his talks and also there is a simplicity of heart there. It is really reminding me what I'm doing this for.

I'm not doing this to just eliminate an unwanted behaviour, I'm doing this because this PA is stopping me being the man I can be. That man is relaxed in his own mind, body and spirit.

Today I've touched that feeling just a little and I'm glad of that.

And so to bed.

[Daniel]

Great update Rowlf. Very nice to hear that the walk is going well.

You have the long-term goal dialed exactly right.

I hope your health improves and fast.

Sincerely,

Daniel

[Rowlf]

I'm glad the site is back after it's little holiday!

Kinda doing OK this end. My low energy state has had a benefical effect on sxual desire, in that I just don't have the energy. Might be a connnected phenomena.

It hasn't gone completely away and I get that little voice to just push my boundaries a bit. Having experienced where that goes, and goes very quickly, I'm able to listen to the voice, notice it and not do anything.

I do need to find out what that voice is really saying. I think the present stuff is loneliness, feeling inadequate about being able to actively do something positive about finding a gf, and frustration with my own stuck patterns of self. Not sure how much to listen right now though.

It's been 'just' 9 days clear. The 'just' is because it doesn't feel that long put like that. And it's not a useful pattern as it's not about the total, it's about changing my attitudes to intimacy and sxuality and I'm still not sure how I'm going to do that. Prayer seems so small. I know it's one step at a time. I know that I can't know the answer from my present state, and it'll take time to grow into the new me, and that time goes one day at a time. But I want to change now! :D

God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change .....

[Rowlf]

Just had a fantastic weekend.

My somatics teacher was over from the states and I took a course with her. Felt like I had been given back part of myself. My posture is back to being good and I feel really good as well.

For me, my body posture affects my mood considerably. I'd been running a practice group for this particular type of somatics work, but had allowed it to dwindle over the summer - which has denied me a great resource I can use in dealing with PA. Today, I feel more upright, more dignified, more able to be my best self. And when in this place I realise that I've got a connection to heaven and don't need P.

Mindy you it's not a magic, 'I'm over PA for good' situation. Last night I got home from the course and felt very lonely being back by myself after spending time with great people. I could hear my mind telling me just to check out a few images. And I could hold awareness that that was what my mind was saying and that I still had a choice.

So I had a bath, went to bed about 9pm and feel considerably better today :)

[Farmer]

Rowlf,

I am glad that you are doing well. After a good day out, I too come home to a letdown and therfore a dangerous time. I haven't learned a good way to handle this, I just try to in a positive way. What I usually do is escape with a few hours of television and then go to bed.

Farmer

[Rowlf]

Hey Farmer, hope things are doing better today.

I was going to post last night, but everything got too dangerous on the computer so I had to shut it down.

I was watching a sci-fi film whilst working on some website stuff and realised that surfing urges were coming up. One interesting thing for me was I realised the film (Battlestar Galactica - Razor) was not helping at all - too much betrayal and dark stuff. So I put on 'The Clangers' instead - watched 3 or 4 episodes, regressed to a better childhood state and went to bed happy :D

Got though another day well. I know I need to look more at what is underneath my public face that is causing these urges to arise right now. But for yesterday, and probably today, managing them with a bit of lightness will do just fine!

I'm realising that my best self, my most centred self, always has a lightness and playfulness. When I'm heavy and trying too hard I need to remember this and lighten up, as the 'answer' is to be found in play and joy.

[Little lock]

Grats on the small bit of self discovery:) Its odd, isn't it, about how darkness and betrayal triggers P, also another dark, shadowy medium by itself. Thanks for your post, and nice to know you're doing well.

[Rowlf]

Doesn't seem like 5 days since I updated my journal!

Life's fairly good at present. I was at mens meeting on Sat. and was able to say into the group that I was a PA - that's a major shift in behaviour! It felt that it was right to do it. The less secrecy around this the better. I'm also feeling that my struggles with addiction can be a gift to others. I'm not the only one with addiction probs, or P probs, or MB probs and my experience might be of assistance....

I'm trying to get some time in my week to sit down and do some journalling about where I am now. Over the last week or two I've been getting occassional urges both to view P and to MB. They're different. The P urges are when I'm avoiding something I don't want to look at (like sending out some business stuff.)

The MB urges are partly habitual longing for comfort. And there is also a wish to get to know my body, my own sxuality in a different way. I've always said I'm not off MB for life, but just for now I need a break to 're-wire' my brain and old stim-response cycle.

How might MB be a benificial thing for me? When I relapsed a few weeks back I was experimenting and was experiencing more sensation without images. Just the sensations inside my own body and muscles. different way of moving. I would like to get to know this more.

Unfortunately I 'fell off' and also went back to viewing P then, so I know that I'm not ready for this phase yet. P and P and MB are still very intertwined. P acts as an accelarant - able to create a sensation very quickly, mostly from a head/mental space. Just staying with the bodily sensations felt a lot slower and unforced.

Just sitting with these thoughts at present and I'm not going to act on them right now. There is an urge to experiment more with MB but it's not an overwealming feeling and I'm within a 30 day celibacy contract with myself at present. There isn't any great rush to change anything (if there was I'd take it as a sign of addiction)

The contract ends on 1st October. I'll work out later if I want to extend it....

[Vilema]

I have missed you. I'm sorry I've been neglectful of you lately. I've been going through some hard times myself and unlike you, crawled under a giant rock until I felt I could process life again. So, kudos to you for staying in touch with everyone on here whilst you worked through your stuff. I'm glad to see that you're still making progress and even though you've been struggling, remain committed to your goal of a p free life. You're going to make it. I am certain!