Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

Hey Chiron,

Thanks for the offer - yes please!! It will help me.

I'm off this week on a teacher training and retreat week in London. This gives some challenges as I often mb when away from home. Right now, I don't want to mb , I want to stay clear of it for a least 30 days to allow things to settle back into some better kind of equilibrium. So I'll need to be especially careful.

Generally things are going very well. I upset my GF yesterday by choosing to go to work rather than have the bank holiday off with her and watch the wedding together - wish I had now!

I'll possibly be a little sporadic posting over the next week, but will be meditating every day.

Rowlf

[Chiron]

sounds good Rowlf. I meditated yesterday and will again today. Try to stay strong on your retreat. Come to TTF when you feel tempted. Please choose being with us over walling yourself off to be alone.

[Rowlf]

Quick update.

Doing well. Clean and happy. Very tired tonight having finished 3 days of training for my somatics course. It's very focussed learning which makes one tired.

Tomorrow I leave for 3 days of the retreat. Don't know if there will be internet access there, so don't know if I will be posting.

I've been meditating every day and there will be a lot of meditation sessions on the retreat. I'm looking forward to it. Hope I'm going to come back with a bit of clarity into the actions I'd like to take over the next couple of months to move my business forward.

Hope everyone is having a good day.


Rowlf

[Rowlf]

Very frustratrated with myself at present.

I've been continually dipping into 'orange' zone behaviours. My GF had it out with me a couple of days ago and it's been a wakeup call. I've been bumping around this zone, not really focussed on my recovery. And I'm hurting someone else.

I recently saw a good friend of mine who is in AA. She's a real source of wisdom in my life. We chatted for ages and it reminded me how much I value the kind of energy from people who are able to name things as they are. I think this is a real value of everyone in recovery. When I don't take my own recovery seriously I'm both back-sliding and not able to speak with this same kind of honesty. This spills over into my life with my GF and everything else.

I run my own business but it's rather stuck at the moment. I feel stuck at the moment.

One of my favorite sayings which is elsewhere in this journal is 'You have a choice - You can be out of control to your addiction, or out of control to God.' I keep pretending to myself that I have a third option - that of being in control myself. Doesn't work!

So right now I'm back to basics. Remind myself that I'm an addict. I am not in control and that my life is not manageable by me. I have a higher power working for me. I need to slow down and let my life be managed by something greater than my will.

Today I've been tempted but remembered that my only task today is not to use any form of P.

[Rowlf]

Had a good few weeks and right now am finding that I'm tempted again. I'm posting this so that I acknowledge to myself and others and I will find a more constructive way of dealing with it than heading back into the orange zone or worse.

My only focus for today is not to use P of any kind.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Had a good few weeks and right now am finding that I'm tempted again. I'm posting this so that I acknowledge to myself and others and I will find a more constructive way of dealing with it than heading back into the orange zone or worse.

My only focus for today is not to use P of any kind.

Rowlf

To be honest, this is the best thing that we can do. if we are tempted, we usually go straight to the computer, so what better place is there to come to on the net.

When we do come here first, we are able to focus on just want we are trying to do to not act out, and what we are trying to do, to make us a better person.

When there was times I was being tempted, I would come here first, and after being here, it would make me feel even worse about myself, if I still wanted to give in to the temptations.

We just need to remember just how hard of a fight this is for us. but this fight is well worth it I'm sure in the end.
we just need to do what we can, to stay away from anything that can lead us back to the wrong path we had in our lives.

I am happy you came here, and you didn't go the the orange zone, which only leads to the very dangerous RED zone

Good luck to you in your recovery

Grald

[Teemo]

Rowlf,

I spent some time reading your journal yesterday and today. You have had a fascinating journey! It is great to see the strategies you have used in the rough times and the easy times. You have had some real success and some big struggles. I am surprised at how you have been away from TTF for long periods of time, and then returned and quickly caught up on your journal. Some great reading for me and others looking for help in another's story. I'm sorry to see that you are feeling like things are difficult right now. You seem to have many people here at TTF following your journal and supporting you in all of this. I joined in January, and I am doing well, but finding as you have that the battle shifts somewhat as we go along. I'm not sure exactly what your "orange zone" is, but I know that I have some behaviors that I absolutely must change if I am going to move farther in recovery.

I hope to read more soon!

Teemo

[Daniel]

Had a good few weeks and right now am finding that I'm tempted again. I'm posting this so that I acknowledge to myself and others and I will find a more constructive way of dealing with it than heading back into the orange zone or worse.

My only focus for today is not to use P of any kind.

Being aware and willing to act towards doing the right thing is an enormous part of the victory Rowlf, thus excellent job coming in and setting down your struggle in the light of day.

Prayers in your direction,

Daniel