Rowlf's Journal

[Vilema]

Yet another fantastically insightful post from you Rowlf. =D>

I will miss these while you're gone! You nailed it for me on the weight issues. I couldn't have said it better for myself than you did (only tack on an additional 30lb for a grand total of 50 - YUCK!).

Maybe this is just one more area in which we can find mutual encouragement. Enjoy your man rituals. I hope you come home stinky, tired and full of good man pride!

For me I overeat. This means I'm about 20lbs overweight. Just enough to encourage my negative self image of no one will love me, so I can't trust them and I'm back to the "I've got to do it all myself" falacy. And in fact the excess weight acts as self protection mechanism - "I'm not sexy or attractive to anyone so I can just keep the sexual part of me dormant apart from MB" - so I'm wanting intimacy at one level and doing everything I can to put it at arms length at another.

Only of course, this is actually closing down my real capacity to relate and love.

[Vilema]

~X(Doggon you Rowlf! Did you make an extra 2 posts just to best me? You stinker. I am not to be toyed with. Whilst you are prancing about in the wilderness I shall be a virtual whirlwind of posting maddness. Maddness, I say!





BTW, congrats on making it to the Member level. Your commitment to TTF and to self improvement is truly inspirational!

[Little lock]

Hey Rowlf! Right now my brain is really not in a functioning order, so I'll jsut say you rock on mate! I'm going to be behind you and encouraging you, both when you triumph and when you fall. And sorry for not replying in your journal sooner. I'm just happy to be back.:D

Best of luck, and I hope you enjoy your camp:)

[Rowlf]

Well, I'm just back from an extremely intense week of being part of a 10 man organising team for a male spirituality event.

It's been fairly overwealming and I'm very tired but want to make a post here. After a week of very close, very supportive time with the team I'm now back at home and feeling lonely. I've been thinking about P all day as that has been my previous way of 'dealing' with this kind of situation I know I'm at high risk right now, so I'm here posting.

One good thing about the week was that I felt safe enough to share my PA with a couple of the guys there. Being here on this site has allowed this dam of silence to start breaking, which was just inconceivable just a few weeks ago.

I've being reading and listening to a few things on addiction. One idea that I'm playing with at the while is that addiction is misplaced desire, and that desire is for intimacy, connection, union. Perhaps another name for this might be God.

Certainly the strength of my desire for P has a lot of force (life force?) right now. It's as if I've got a whole load of energy in my body that I want to ground, but if I do so with P I'll remove all my energy as I wouldn't be able to regulate it and turn into the zombie (energyless shell!) that I've been too often.

I don't know what to do with this energy. Trying to stay celibate is a new strategy in life and right now is uncomfortable. Hopefully, eventually this uncomfortable feeling will resolve into something else. Just going back to P and expecting a different result from the zombie state is just madness ("Insanity is when you keep doing the same things expecting different results" - attributed to Einstein)

Thanks Vilema and Little Lock for the posts in my journal. They are very helpful!

I'd best switch off all computers and head for bed before I act out. One day at a time right now!

[Vilema]

Welcome back Friend! You've been missed. I'm really proud of you for sharing your PA with some other guys. That's definately gonna help you on your journey to freedom.

[Rowlf]

Thank Vilema. I think you're right - with some of the secrecy shifting I think it will give space for other things to start moving (I hope!)

I'm starting in therapy next week, so being physically able to talk about this is a good step!

I've been reading "In the Shadows of the Net - Breaking free of compulsive online sexual behaviour" (Carnes, Delmonico, Griffin) with very great interest since I got back from the hills. I'll probably do a review soon.

One thing I really like is that it's got structures and theories - I really like having an overall picture of the territory, so I can try and see where my present experience fits in the overall picture.

One of the base structures, also in Patrick Carnes earlier book, is the anchoring belief structure of the addictive pattern.

1. I am basically a bad, unworthy person
2. No one would love me as I am
3. My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others
4. Sex is my most important need

This allows the addictive pattern of;

1. Preoccupation
2. Ritualization
3. Compulsive sexual behaviour
4. Depression and despair

Well, for me this describes and names a lot of my personal experience.

Beliefs -

1. I think a place to break the cycle is the belief of my unworthiness. I know this belief is not in place all of the time, but always is when I 'use'. I also know that doing P reinforces this one.
2. Well, this is loosening slightly right now. Sharing PA on TTF and now with some safe people in 'real' life, who accepted it without seemingly very much trouble, might mean this belief is not fullly valid.
3. This could be more core for me than the others - don't know how to trust others / God
4. Actually I think intimacy might be my most import need. But sx in the form of MB and P has been a much easier substitute on a day to day level. I keep going on intense courses / retreats (such as the mens) which at one level meet my intimacy needs without having to take a risk on relationships.

Addictive patterns - reflecting on what those might mean for me, to name the pattern so I can recognise it better.

1. Preoccupation - I'm realising with this reading that this stage almost starts out of awareness. I start playing with a will I / won't I when I now think that I'd already made the decision to use. Start thinking
2. Ritualization - 'the persons special routines that lead up to sxual behaviour' - pulling out the pda to surf every night, or making space on a weekend afternoon...
3. Compulsive sexual behaviour - well this easier to name. The video sites certainly took my mind rather faster, but using er*tic stories to MB to every night as a way of getting to sleep fits here as well.
4. Depression and despair - my zombie state - probably familiar to more than just me on this site!

So, once again the more interesting question is what's triggering the negative self beliefs and where can I put stop points to stop the acting out and behaviours.

Triggers - as I understand them right now are;

• Loneliness - I'll not ever find a real, satisfying connection
• Despair that nothing will ever change
• Boredom - not doing the things that give any deep satisfaction
• Frustration - not getting on with what I think I'm 'meant' to be doing, like building my business. Rather than just do the next right thing, the smallest right think, I get stuck not knowing what to do (biting off more than I chew), then end up with this deep, anxious inner state that I want to subdue.

[Vilema]

This is an excellent post. I'm glad you're able to apply what you've read to yourself. Let the healing begin!

[Rowlf]

Didn't post yesterday as I stayed up way too late playing 'Mass Effect' - good game but not worth the tired and dragging feeling that I have today.

I can see that right now I'm putting myself into the danger zone. I'm really tired after last weeks emotional and physical labours. I'm more lonely than normal after the closeness of last week.

I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm using tiredness to anethestise myself instead of P. Similar effect right now! Need some positive discipline to get to bed at a useful time.

Emotional defences are low right now; if I wasn't on TTF I would have been back on P last night.

So, just for today, I'm committed to not using P. The day count doesn't seem to matter much right now. I'd like to feel different to this weariness. Hopefully will do later.

[Rowlf]

Ok, this will be a quick message and then leaving this computer downstairs. Definitely in the danger zone tonight.

Had tea with a good friend who I used to be very keen on who announced that she's moving to a place the other side of the country to live with her bf.

I feel very lonely and that's one of my biggest triggers. Right now I want to just wave a wand and have everything be different.

Off to bed.

[dave]

May sound a little goofy for a grown guy but I have a teddy bear I go to bed with some times when I feel sad.