Thank Vilema. I think you're right - with some of the secrecy shifting I think it will give space for other things to start moving (I hope!)
I'm starting in therapy next week, so being physically able to talk about this is a good step!
I've been reading "
In the Shadows of the Net - Breaking free of compulsive online sexual behaviour" (Carnes, Delmonico, Griffin) with very great interest since I got back from the hills. I'll probably do a review soon.
One thing I really like is that it's got structures and theories - I really like having an overall picture of the territory, so I can try and see where my present experience fits in the overall picture.
One of the base structures, also in Patrick Carnes earlier book, is the anchoring belief structure of the addictive pattern.
- I am basically a bad, unworthy person
- No one would love me as I am
- My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others
- Sex is my most important need
This allows the addictive pattern of;
- Preoccupation
- Ritualization
- Compulsive sexual behaviour
- Depression and despair
Well, for me this describes and names a lot of my personal experience.
Beliefs -
- I think a place to break the cycle is the belief of my unworthiness. I know this belief is not in place all of the time, but always is when I 'use'. I also know that doing P reinforces this one.
- Well, this is loosening slightly right now. Sharing PA on TTF and now with some safe people in 'real' life, who accepted it without seemingly very much trouble, might mean this belief is not fullly valid.
- This could be more core for me than the others - don't know how to trust others / God
- Actually I think intimacy might be my most import need. But sx in the form of MB and P has been a much easier substitute on a day to day level. I keep going on intense courses / retreats (such as the mens) which at one level meet my intimacy needs without having to take a risk on relationships.
Addictive patterns - reflecting on what those might mean for me, to name the pattern so I can recognise it better.
- Preoccupation - I'm realising with this reading that this stage almost starts out of awareness. I start playing with a will I / won't I when I now think that I'd already made the decision to use. Start thinking
- Ritualization - 'the persons special routines that lead up to sxual behaviour' - pulling out the pda to surf every night, or making space on a weekend afternoon...
- Compulsive sexual behaviour - well this easier to name. The video sites certainly took my mind rather faster, but using er*tic stories to MB to every night as a way of getting to sleep fits here as well.
- Depression and despair - my zombie state - probably familiar to more than just me on this site!
So, once again the more interesting question is what's triggering the negative self beliefs and where can I put stop points to stop the acting out and behaviours.
Triggers - as I understand them right now are;
- Loneliness - I'll not ever find a real, satisfying connection
- Despair that nothing will ever change
- Boredom - not doing the things that give any deep satisfaction
- Frustration - not getting on with what I think I'm 'meant' to be doing, like building my business. Rather than just do the next right thing, the smallest right think, I get stuck not knowing what to do (biting off more than I chew), then end up with this deep, anxious inner state that I want to subdue.
You nailed it! -
07-15-2008, 12:00 AM
Doggon you Rowlf! Did you make an extra 2 posts just to best me? You stinker. I am not to be toyed with. Whilst you are prancing about in the wilderness I shall be a virtual whirlwind of posting maddness. Maddness, I say!
Linear Mode
