Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

Thanks Daniel and Steve for your comments - as always very helpful and appreciated.

Things are progressing with my friend to the extent that for only the second time in my life I think I can say I have a girlfriend! I'm flabbergasted and amazed by what's happening. At so many levels it's magical.

One of the magical things is just to have the opportunity to sit and experience the giving and receiving of touch. I'm blown away just by that. The only equivilent time was a 4 month relationship 15 years ago. All through that previous experience I was ungrounded - just swept along in it. This is feeling very different.

One big difference is the need for me to be absolutely honest. If I don't I'm going to get myself into problems. And then, everytime I have been, it's been recieved :-o Does not compute! But it's wonderful. Each time, though, the risk of being completely honest, such as expressing doubts, or telling more details of the PA and how that is affecting things in the present moment has been a big risk inside. It's felt really hard (and embarrassing) to do. But is definitely the only thing to do.

That phrase from AA, of we're only as sick as our secrets is so true. For me, if I keep things bottled up, they turn toxic inside. I get progressively more ungrounded and end up being unable to communicate anything real, just decending into generalities. My gf is picking up on this times, noticing, and inviting me to speak out!! :)

There is a legacy for me of all the years of addictive patterns. I can feel that this is an invitation from the universe to live more freely, ,more honestly and more lovingly, but at times I just want to go back and have things small and controllable. So, I guess as long as I keep naming them as they come, then I can keep moving forward into this invitation. It's still very necessary to just keep going, clean and balanced, one day at a time. Maybe it always will be, but since it's working who am I to argue.

Hope everyone is having a good day. I'm so very grateful to the TTF community.

[Daniel]

This is Huge, Extra-Universal, Mind-Popping, Knee-Shriveling! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

You go Boy!

Daniel

PS: Your post of how the relationship is progressing is just unbelievable good for the soul. Praise God.

[Rowlf]

Things are OK for me.

Still seeing a lot of my friend. I'm being aware of a pattern that's happening for me. Often during my time with her I'm kind of freezing up - not fully feeling everything. And then, the next day when I'm relaxed a wave of feeling passes over me. My heart becomes much more open and there is a lot of feeling and I feel vulnerable.

By the time this realisation happens I'm on my own and feeling like I've let myself down (and this new relationship) by not being able to be honest in the present moments we were together. I thought at the time I was present, but I'm realising that I wasn't.

I guess it's going to take time to be able to relax and be able to be real and honest and until that time I need to take things slow.

And I'm becoming aware of this continuing need to keep surrendering to my higher power to stay clean, is closely connected to a continuing need to be really honest in this friendship to stay real.

[Daniel]

Rowlf,

I noticed a while back I had developed a tendency to not say what was on my mind when my wife would ask a question. I would give an answer but think later it was not the "whole answer".

Thus I have been practicing this whole-answer thing for awhile; also, speaking my mind so she (and everyone else) knows what's going on.

I have found it very refreshing as the Real Me is more and more 'out there', vs. the Public Me, if that makes any sense.

I used to be haunted by this quote:

"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
[credit]

Not anymore but the work to remain transparent is ongoing...

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Hey Daniel,

that's just so true. I wonder how many of us have the same dynamic as one of the major lockpins of any addiction is secrecy. And I definitely have this public, very pleasant, sunny happy exterior regardless of what's going on inside. And then I get into this myth of 'I can't tell anyone' and working at at suppressing stuff, since I can't tell anyone or do anything until it bursts forth in PA behaviour of numbing out.

so, perhaps I will just have practice being healthy more and more by being objectionable!!! (when I actually feel objectionable!)

It feels really risky to tell the 'whole answer' as I'm no longer finessing things to show me in the best light, and thus have not influence on what the other person will do. I keep expecting them to walk away. And they don't! But of course they might, and I have to let them have that freedom, rather than live in the old prison....

It's much better to live this transparent life as then the light of God can shine through us into the world......

[rugbysteve]

Often during my time with her I'm kind of freezing up - not fully feeling everything. And then, the next day when I'm relaxed a wave of feeling passes over me. My heart becomes much more open and there is a lot of feeling and I feel vulnerable.

By the time this realisation happens I'm on my own and feeling like I've let myself down (and this new relationship) by not being able to be honest in the present moments we were together. I thought at the time I was present, but I'm realising that I wasn't.

Rowlf,
I just want to say that I often feel the same way. In the moment, I don't really think I know what exactly I am feeling. It is not until later that I feel that I understand myself what went on. Sometimes I feel like I can't make any realization about myself or my feelings unless I have time to process it alone.
I think the only logical step, then, would be to bring up whatever realization I had with my SO at the next chance I get. I think that's the next best thing. That's still a step that I'm working on, but I think Daniel's got the key phrase: Practice.

Being open/honest with others as well as with ourselves is going to take practice. We just have to stick with it.
Keep up the good work.
-steve

[Rowlf]

Quick update.

It's been so helpful to post on this delayed feeling thing and Steve, your post was really useful.

My gf and I discussed it and we're moving slower. We've got some weird questions for when we're together, such as 'Can you feel your feet or knees?' as when I lock up my hip/gut area I lose subtle sensation in the lower part of of my body. This has allowed me to stay a lot more present, and kinda do less and receive more....

I'm feeling really blessed at have this happening in my life. I've not got the faintest idea whether we have what it might take for a long term relationship, but the openness and acceptance that's happening now is a gift and feeling very healing.

I don't think this has 'cured' my PA. I'm still running addictive patterns and I need to stay aware and grateful and surrendered to a higher power each and every day. And I'm not yet that practiced at that and wobble a lot. I know I need TTF as a place of honesty, realism and community in this ongoing journey....

[Rowlf]

Had my first serious urge to P yesterday for many weeks.

It's led me to do a bit of an evaluation. I realise that I've not been posting as much here as I was. And I've not been getting enough sleep or putting in the meditation time.

Part of that has been the continuing unfolding of my new relationship, which is going well, but taking up a lot of time (very pleasant!) I need to remember the basics of everyday that keep me grounded and stable.

[Daniel]

"Turbulence", all systems in good working order otherwise.

You recognized it, you let it pass, you posted it, you prepared for the outfall.

In others words, you handled it perfectly Rowlf -nice work!

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Just a quick update since it's been a couple of days...

Things still going well with gf - I'm thanking God for the gifts each day - I'm able to be completely honest with her, tell her about my doubts and wobbles and it's all been OK (with the proviso that sometimes it takes a little while to talk things out!)

I'm having to have another think about MB. Not been doing it very much (1-2 per week) and not to P or images in my mind. But I'm now finding my mood is slightly lower the day after now, so maybe I don't need this right now - the useful aspect of a few months ago of helping me find more about my own sxual responses is not where I am now. So think I might have to stop this as well.

Had a few P urges, but nothing that I can't handle. It just reminds me that I have to pray and stay balanced each day, otherwise I'm toast! It's mostly when I'm tired and feeling a bit out of control (even with all these good things!) Realising again how much of a control freak I can be - surrending to a higher power is not easy for control freaks - thank God I can do this enough to stay sober and keep being aware enough to accept the gifts offered.

I just got the SAA green book - just the first chapter made me know that I need to read this - the experiences spoken about were very familar.

Hope everyone is having a good day!