Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

thanks Jimmy and Little Lock for you comments. It really makes a difference to have comments in the journals.

I was just searching for my journal entry in the forum list and it was at the bottom of the page - 20 journals have been active since yesterday - how fantastic! I thought I was alone with this problem - how nice to be so wrong. Because with this community I think it is possible to beat PA. Just from the contact in the journals I get such a warm feeling about the big hearted way folk are here.

Here I don't have to hide that which I have been tremendously ashamed about, but can speak about it and hence do something about it.

PA is not easy, I would vastly prefer not to be addicted. But right now I am and I'm very pleased to be here.

Another day, I think thats 7. And so to bed |-)

[Rowlf]

Well it's been an excellent day for me. Had a very long chat with a friend this afternoon :D

Being here on TTF is helping me to start unpacking some internal issues that have been pushed to the edge of awareness for some time, OK, some considerable time.

I've been reading the AA big book. I'm only a little way in and I'm sure I'll post lots more quotes, but one caught my attention
"My friend was much more than inwardly reorganised. He was on a different footing. His roots grasped a different soil"

One of the things that is happening as I'm a few days clean is that I'm coming back to my centre. I've been getting back into the practice of morning meditation, just sitting for 10 minutes in the morning, feeling my body, feeling my breath and relaxing into my most centred self. I'm begining to feel that different soil again.

How to be rooted in it is the question, rather than just have a touching aquaintance. As far as I can tell it from my experience of people I respect in AA it's about surrendering to that higher power, whatever we consider it to be. In my own understanding it's about being vulnerable, i.e. taking off the character armour that I wear most of the time and stand open hearted, allowing the world to affect me and being able to be part of the world most fully, be be available for intimacy.

I've been using porn and masturbation as my drug of choice, (the heroin pump metaphor again!) which has helped keep my own responses controllable.The effect on my spirit is to cut me off slightly from the world - Keep a nice safe moat around me. I'm not vulnerable, but I'm not there so not able to connect to anyone. It's safe but inherently lonely. If I were to surrender to life / love / God (pick your term) then what happens to me not under my direct control and that scares the heck out of me.

Mind you, I'm wondering if there is any real choice. The old way seems to be costing more and more. Right now the new possible way seems to be costing me masturbation, as I'm with Farmer on this, I don't know how to MB without the porn images. The library of images is still fresh in my head right now and as soon as I access it with MB it's going to want to be renewed - so let's not go there for tonight at least.

That means it's also costing me my traditional mechanism of control over my own sexual responses. I'm noticing my attraction to women in a new way right now. There's an inner feeling of restlessness to do something about it. That's not entirely comfortable. I've got a lot invested in being nice, placid, urbane Dr. Jeckyl to the outside world!

Before starting here on TTF those few days ago to stop P and MB seemed like an impossibly high price. Just for this week, (and the commitment right now is for this month as well), that price seems OK.

A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well T. S. Eliot “Little Gidding” - from Julian of Norwich

Is the different soil the "condition of complete simplicity" and the "costing not less than everything" giving up that addiction that my personality craves?

Don't know, but we're on the journey to finding out I guess :)

[Little lock]

Hey Rowlf. Nice to know you're having a good day. I think what you said about your roots starting to grasp a different soil is true. I can see it, in terms of your thought and writing. They seem clearer, calmer and more peaceful. And it's nice to know that just starting out here on TTF has helped you to reshape your thinking. Keep it up, dude:)

[Vilema]

Hooray for long chats with friends! ;)

This is yet another insightful and inspiring post from you Rowlf. Keep up the goood work. It's great that you've jumped in with both feet here at TTF. Victory is certain to be yours!

[Rowlf]

Just got back from work and feel really tired. No energy at all. Like I've hit a wall. I know this is a familiar pattern - kinda run on happy for a while then bam!

Before, this would have been straight into acting out time. So I'm going to try and not do that. Instead I intend to get my stuff together and go to bed early. I've not been sleeping too well since this new regime started and I think that's now caught up with me.

I'm off for a singing weekend tomorrow (camping in the UK rain!) and then will be off to the Lake District (more rain?) where I'm helping out with a men's retreat for a week. So I'll be away from the internet (although not from the browser on the phone), fairly busy and with some great guys so hopefully will be able to keep on track with the July Challenge.

[LPA]

I can really recognize what you are saying about having to get a new pattern in life. It is quite difficult to just change your entire mindstate, but it certainly can be done!

I'm with you on the July challenge.

Best of Luck!

[Vilema]

I wish you sweet dreams my friend. Have a safe, fun and pleasant time singing and then splashing through the rain. I look forward to hearing all about it when you return!

[Wreck]

Rowlf,
Keep on top of things. The phone browser isn't worth it. Just think of how many days you'll have behind you when you get back from your trip! I'm following your progress and hoping for good things for you, so keep us up to date.

[Rowlf]

Thanks Wreck. I agree. In a way my point about the phone browser is that there are multiple ways of getting to this stuff, even just on my phone.... Gotta keep using TTF using to stay true to the person I want to become.

Just wanted to post an update. Even more tired today as a) went to bed way too late, despite good intentions (stayed up playing computer games) and b) kept waking up all night with a raging h*rd on. Wanted to MB just in a utilitarian way as I was imagining that would allow me to get some normal sleep, especially as it's been a routine for so long.

Actually don't know what is the correct thing to do here, but following the celibacy contract that Farmer posted I decided not to MB. I'm kinda expecting my body / mind to reprogram itself without me continuing old patterns by old habits. I know there have been some posts here about that. Hope the sleep patterns settle down soon.

[Rowlf]

I'm just going to post for tonight and then I'll be off the net for a week helping to run a mens spiritual retreat.

Just been on a singing weekend, but oddly found I couldn't get into as much as normal. My energies and spirit has been kind of depressed - just not much energy. Not that much urge to MB. Sleep patterns are now back to normal, apart from being a bit more tired than normal. Not feeling horny at all for the past few days.

Following Newman's recommendations, I picked up a copy of Patrick Carnes' "Out of the Shadows" and have been captivated by it. It's speaking so much sense of the pattern of this. I'm going to write a lot more about this later but just identifying the stages and naming some of the facets of the experience I've been going through really helps.

I always like to have an overall picture of what's happening, as I don't feel totally lost. Even if I can't see my way forward today, to know that there is one is great.

One thing I'm picking up from the book is the deeper patterns of addiction - that of not trusting the world. In my worse moments (months!) I feel I can only trust myself. No one else in this world is going to give me what I think I need, so I'm going to get it for myself. And this includes emotional security / relief. Hence the old dependable solace of P and MB.

Another thing that he nailed for me was linked addictions. For me I overeat. This means I'm about 20lbs overweight. Just enough to encourage my negative self image of no one will love me, so I can't trust them and I'm back to the "I've got to do it all myself" falacy. And in fact the excess weight acts as self protection mechanism - "I'm not sexy or attractive to anyone so I can just keep the sexual part of me dormant apart from MB" - so I'm wanting intimacy at one level and doing everything I can to put it at arms length at another.

Only of course, this is actually closing down my real capacity to relate and love.

I've been looking through some childhood issues and this deep distrust that I will be taken care of certainly originates there, but I'm not yet sure how.

For me, I think there are 2 internal states. Using words from one of my practices, they're Personality and Centre.

Personality is that part that distrusts, in always afraid and on the lookout for what will go wrong. It's alway anxious and consequently want's to keep life under control so I'm safe and I think when it's in charge it P amd MB are natural. This part of me is scared and is my worse self.

Centre on the other hand is that part of me that know's I'm connnected to something more. Is able to open and knows intimacy and welcomes it - is happy to be in the present moment, where control is not an issue. This part of me loves and is my best self. When here P and MB are not needed.

MB from when living from centre would be the just the sensual pleasure of the body purely in the present moment, without needing the fantasy. Not sure I've ever done that. The image library in my brain takes over so quickly. Maybe the closest I've come to it is just reliving the sensations of touch from sessions with a gf.

Centre is enhanced by meditation practice, by good things like MA training and singing and things that I take joy from. It's destroyed by porn - that just drains all the good energy and keeps me locked into a tight, anxious body state (and therefore mind state). It takes many days or weeks to relax and start living from my centre again.

Anyway, we're day 13 right now. I'm living more from centre right now, even with this slightly depressed energy state. I'm able to feel more. I'm able to look at my situation more and determined to change things at a core level so I don't need to act out my addictions again. I can find a better way of dealing with the underlying states and triggers. I'm still in the state of unknowing where this goes or what happens next.

I'm safe from the internet for the next week, camping out in the wilds of the Lake District. Check back with you all at TTF then.