Rowlf's Journal

[Rowlf]

Things still going well.

Another day clean!

Feeling reasonably balanced.

So, if I'm feeling fairly good, then experience over the last 6 months would tell me that now is the time to pray hard! It's exactly these sort of times that have led to easily failing. Of course right now there is the extra element of a potential relationship in the frame. And I think all of that dictates that I need to make some extra effort to find that soft and vulnerable place within me in meditation / prayer right now and stay in touch with the part of me that I try and numb / cover up with P.....

Hope everyone is having a good day.

[Daniel]

Thank you for the kind words Rowlf.

I can recall from my own experience and from another couple close to us that the revelation of our addiction, the honesty that happened, the vulnerability put on display, the pain pain pain, the emotions that had to be worked through... You would never ask for it, but it happened and God certainly used it to pull us much closer together.

I feel somewhat lunatic fringe but I end of saying "Praise the LORD" for these weaknesses as I can see how He used it to break me down, making me into a better person especially for Mrs. Daniel.

I wish the best for you in the New Endeavor. Your reactions of late have been excellent, you are definitely in touch with yourself Rowlf and what has worked/hasn't worked in the past and responding to those experiences in the right way.

Keep up the good work!,

Daniel

[lonesome_soul]

Hey Rowlf,

I commend you on another P-free day, and I want to thank you. Thank you for reminding me to pray. I forget far too often. I like to think of myself as having a good relationship with God, but when I really take a long hard look at myself I can see that I have allowed too many distractions keep me from praying and being the spiritual being I know I should be. Thank you!

I wish you all the best, with the potential relationship and with everything.

Peace, LS

[Rowlf]

Just seen Daniel's post on coming across unhelpful images. Thought I'd just post a small piece of progress today.

I've had to download a Linux distribution, and rather than download on my own PC (which would be easier) I've spent a while setting up an office machine with the p2p download software. It would just be too easy to 'leave' the software on there for use later and I don't want that kind of temptation anywhere close to me.

Still going well. P urges are around but I'm handling them. Prayer is what I need to allow me to stay clean. I'm back to experiencing the surrender (and somatic softening) that is necessary to learn this newer, and so much better, way of life :D

[Rowlf]

Busy round TTF right now!

Just need to post an update tonight.

Feeling really tired and thus the whole world looks a lot more difficult right now. Don't know why I'm feeling this way, but will try to get to bed early.

Been chatting a lot till quite late to my 'New Endevour' :-) It's going OK. This evening I'm not feeling confident, but I think that is this tiredness talking. We've been commenting that we feel like teenagers. I'm wondering if, in a way, my emotions are stuck back at that sort of age. Or maybe just some of my emotions....

Still very worried about admitting my PA. I know it's still too early to talk about it, but I know it's still a live issue for me. Can I promise someone that that this is problem that is now strictly in the past? I don't think that I can. There is a fault line in my psyche. And if I don't keep surrendering to God then I'm going to be giving in to the fascination again in the future.

Mind you, as I type this I know the advice I would give everyone else in this position. Stay clean today and let the worries about the future take care of themselves. So, I'll stay clean for today! :D

[AirKeep]

Hey Rowlf, hope things are going well. That part inside of you, ya, get close to it. You ignore it, push it down, try to fight it off, and it'll kick your butt. Well, we all know that. Try to avoid something, and it usually comes back at you double time. Feel it, understand it, realize it, don't be afraid of it, and let the feelings come and go.

You've had an amazing journey, within yourself, as well as inspiring and helping others. I hope you feel that.

[Rowlf]

Strange days indeed!

Went to church on Sunday evening and came away feeling really affected. The text was on the call of God to Samuel, who answers "Here I am Lord, your servant is listening". The music that was picked was stuff that I know well, but haven't sung in many years and it just went straight in, and opened my heart (one of the songs was I the Lord of sea and sky - which has the lines - here I am Lord, & 'I will take their hearts of stone, give them hearts for love alone')

Anyway was feeling really open and called to something bigger after that. I called up my new friend, just wanting to make contact, and she came around a little while later having just finished her shift.

I was trying to explain what had happened in church and, long story short, felt moved to tell her about my PA.

Very difficult to get words out! She listened and did not run away! I felt really heard and not rejected. She's gone away and is considering what she wants to do, but I feel really blessed.

I'm still clean and now feel so much more determined to never touch this stuff again seeing someone I like having been affected by this rubbish.....

[Daniel]

This is really big Rowlf! Congratulations!

To take that step of faith, to be moved by Him to do something and not back down (Samuel's example), to risk everything for perfect honesty...

No matter what happens or how things ultimately turn out, I believe God will richly bless you for this obedience.

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Been a few days since my last update and I know that posting regularly here is really helping my progress, so I thought I'd better add a journal entry....

Things are going incredibly well with my new relationship. Basically that's fantastic. It is bringing up a few things internally though! There is a pressure in me to take things faster than is actually happening in the real present moment. And that's connected with the same urges that power PA for me. And that urge is connected with old images in my head, which pushes me further out of the present moment. So, the answer is just breath down and relax back into my own somatic experience in the present moment. And then to let things take the time they will take.....

I'm finding to do this I have to accept that old images will come up, not fight them or give any energy to them, and to just not pay them any attention. To forgive myself for where I am right now and just move on.....

I've got no urge to look for P at all at present. It just feels a world away from reality, and just purely harmful to happiness....

Hope everyone is having a good day..

[rugbysteve]

Hey Rowlf,
Thank you for your words of encouragement in my journal. They really do mean a lot to me. This really is an amazing community. Your success so far has been a great inspiration to me.
On a side note, the quote in your signature made me go look up that song. It's a great one and always makes me feel better.
-steve