Vilema draws a line in the sand...

Vilema · 09:35 AM

I posted in the new member section several weeks ago (Out from the shadows...). Thank you to FM and ShowMeLove for your replies. I found them both insightful and encouraging. At the time, it was a tremendous help simply to get all that business about my exhusband off my chest. I wasn't tempted to view p for some time. And, since I'm a woman, I noticed that one of my triggers is definately related to my monthly cycle (so sorry for the TMI). So, I honestly thought that several hours of reading on this site and one post in the New Members section would be enough to release me from p's grip. Silly Vilema!

Tonight I caved. I've been thinking about what might trigger the temptation in me to watch p. I suspect it will take some more time to sort it all out but will list my known triggers later in this post.

In recent months, I've had it with myself. I got so tired of carrying around my extra baggage and not just in my midsection either! I've been making excuses (typical of an adict) and faulting others (also typical of an adict) and generally living in denial (more typical adict behavior) about my adictions. So, once and for all, I'm drawing a line in the sand tonight.

I, Vilema, hereby declare to be addicted to the following:
1. Porn
2. Overeating
3. Shopping
4. Internet

I know Through the Flame is for people affected by p but all of my addictions are, I believe, related (or at least share the same triggers). So, it will be beneficial to me if I journal about my progress for all of them.

My reasons for obtaining victory over these addictions are:
1. I want to control my own destiny. I do not want these things to control me.
2. I am a gifted, intelligent, valuable woman and there is no reason for me to hide behind these addictions anymore.
3. I do not want to have anymore regrets.
4. I want to be financially responsible.

My known triggers for engaging in these addictions are:
1. Loneliness
2. Monthly cycle
3. ADHD - causes me to have poor impulse control.
4. Interactions with attractive men (and/or hearing my friends talk about their relationships)

I'm working on a plan of action to prevent or at least reduce the number of triggers I face on a daily basis. My temporary plan of action is:
1. Read and post daily on Through the Flame
2. Reach out to the friends I have and work to let them in emotionally
3. Make sure my ADHD prescription is always filled (been without my medication for two weeks now - MAJOR difference in me when I don't take it)
4. Started volunteering at the local animal shelter. Will make the effort to get more involved with their programs.
5. Have an adequately stocked kitchen. This will (hopefully) prevent the temptation to eat things I shouldn't just 'cause it's quick and easy.
6. Continue following the wellness program I started last month (so far I've lost nearly 14 inches and 8 pounds - hooray me!)
7. Bite the bullet, sit down and really come to terms with my fianances.
8. Ride my bike when it's nice outside - good excersize and gets me out of the house.

Wow. It really feels good to write all that down. Step 1 - admit to having a problem. Now that I've admitted to it, the real work begins...

Greenie · 06-19-2008, 09:11 AM

Welcome Vilema,

as I was posting earlier , I also feel as though my P use is a symptom of other, maybe more fundamental issues.Your list of life changes seem really wonderful and such a fantastic trade for something that has given so little and taken so much.

Greenie

FoolishMind · 06-19-2008, 04:00 PM

Hi Vilema, that is a really mature and honest look at yourself. If you maintain that attitude, I assure you you will succeed in anything you put your mind too.

You have rightly said making excuses and faulting others is a typical trait of an addict. Since I have been P free, I have been nothing but honest to myself and those I love, It truly has made a huge impact in may day to day life. I look forward to following your journal as I sense youve got and exciting new life to experience!

All the best

FM

Vilema · **Disappointing day... -** 06-20-2008, 10:24 PM

So, I've been p and mb free for 2 days now and that feels great. However, today is a rough day because I'm feeling very sorry for and angry at myself. I promise I will not regularly post poor Vilema blogs but today I will indulge myself.

The background...
I moved to California 4 years ago to start a new life for myself. It was a struggle but it was a great decision in the long run. I learned to be self reliant. I learned to take responsibility for my emotions and I learned that I have limitless career potential. I had my dream job. I manages hundred million dollar technical proposals, garnered an impressive portfolio of awarded projects, worked for a large company and made good money.

Meanwhile, back at the "ranch"...
My stepfather developed life threatening health issues. This would be the second time my mom faced losing a husband to terminal illness (the first, being my real father). So, I was deeply torn about moving back home (a 3,000 mile journey) because I knew I'd have to give up my career and take boring job. But family is family.

Simultaneously...
My new boss at work was a major jerk - stole my ideas, writings, etc., harrassed me about overweight women, didn't do any of his own work and dumped it all on me and took the credit for it, ducked out of work early on a regular basis to go to baseball games and surfing with friends and left me and the rest of our dept burried under unrealistic deadlines. So, I filed a report against him and you know what happened then...they canned me for rocking the boat which made my decision to move back home much easier.

So...
I moved back to my hometown and in with my parents. I applied to well over 100 jobs within a 500 mile radius of them and nothing. I finally got hired on a document processor for a "paper mill" working midnights. Talk about humbling-going from managing $100+ million proposals to formatting charts and tables in Word! The only good thing about the job is that I was able to get my own place.

Additionally...
I had to divorce my best friend of 8 years because I finally (took awhile for the blinders to come off) came to realize that she was unhealthy for me. She is a compulsive liar. She is also a breeder of dissention and would regularly stretch the truth or tell outright lies about me. She was only happy when I was down and she basically was using me for access to all my high school guy friends. I confronted her and she denied everything and tried to make it my fault (typical of a user) and then went on to act as if nothing had happened even though I was crying my eyes out when I told her how badly she'd hurt me. I have not spoken to her in months. And, I actually feel much better, healthier and happier without her.

However...
I'm lonely. This is where my struggle to engage in p and mb comes into play. It also is a trigger for overeating and compuslive shopping. My crazy work schedule prohibits me from seeing my friends and family for more than a few hours a week and as a raging extrovert, it's making me miserable. On top of that, I hate my job. It's boring. I'm making significantly less than half what I made in San Diego and I'm struggling to adjust my spending accordingly. When I get done work (at 6am), I want to go out and be near people, but the only place open is Walmart, so I go there and then I spend money. It's all a horrible, vicious cycle. Today, I only got 3 hours of sleep so I could go see a movie with my friends (they're all off today for a state holiday) but I'll pay for it at work tonight.

My job is understimulating, boring and doesn't begin to tap into my intellect, skills or potential. I'm thoroughly miserable but I don't see any escape (which is why p and m b are such a tempatation). In nearly every interview I've been on, I'm told I'm overqualified. What?! So, nobody will hire me 'cause they are afraid I'll get bored and move on and/or demand more money after they hire me. I'm totally trapped. I've tried nearby big cities and nothing.

What am I supposed to do? My car payment is killing me (was reasonable and responsible when I bought it based on my salary at the time), my student loans are piling up and I am emotionally and intellectually understimulated.

I'm starting my job search again but I'm not holding my breath. The economy is worse now than it was when I first moved 9 months ago. So, what do I do? I'm stuck on a terrible shift, making little money and have no opportunities to see the people I care about. I'm completely isolated and that makes the tempation to do p and mb, overeat and overspend nearly impossible to overcome. I'm drowing here.

I don't really think there's anything anybody out there can do to help me with this but it does feel good to get it off my chest. It doesn't fix my overdrawn bank account (I HATE that I'm so bad with my finances) or my loneliness but I have hope - not a lot of hope but enough to get me through tonight. It's just really tough sometimes because I've made a lot of sacrifices for others in my life and I always end up being the one to cheer them on to their happily ever after. When will I get mine?

Vilema · **Yippee! -** 06-24-2008, 11:29 AM

It's amazing how many changes can take place in just 4 days...

My last post was a downer. I mentioned how lonely and miserable I was. Today things have significantly improved. Yesterday I told my boss that I'd like to work a different shift if one becomes available. I just got a phone call from them today indicating that my schedule has been changed. Now, I work 12-9am Sat-Wed. This is FANTASTIC news! I am so excited. I can actually do things with my friends and family on the weekends and I can do things in the evenings before I have to go to work. Life just got a whole lot brighter for me. Hooray!

In other (more important) news, I've been p and mb, overating and overspending free for 6 whole days. It feels wonderful. I've taken up crocheting and other crafts as well as bought a Wii all of these things are keeping me pretty busy and taking my mind off p, mb, et al. I'm so glad.

I was tempted the other day to watch p and mb. Thankfully, the p temptation quickly passed but the mb temptation lasted a bit longer. I personally don't want to engage in mb anymore. For me, it's too closely connected with the p. I am proud to report that I just busied myself with croteching instead (gives my hands something useful to do).

Additionally, I'm doing really well with my weight loss and my self esteem. I still have about 50lbs to lose but can already see the results. I'm participating in a wonderful program called the Wellness Bridge and I've never been so successful. They teach lifestyle changes and explain what exactly your food choices do to your body's funcitonality. I've lost around 8 lbs and nearlly 14 inches in 5 weeks. My clothes are getting looser, I had to buy some smaller pants and I think the fellows are noticing. Most importantly, I feel good because I'm taking care of myself.

Another great thing I was to report is that for the first time in my life, I'm not weirded out by the attention I'm starting to get. I've always been a pretty girl and before (for reasons I don't understand though I'm CERTAIN stem from issues with my father) I always felt guilty for it or chose not to believe it. Now, I not only feel pretty but I feel good about it. And I don't feel like I'm being conceited - just (for the first time in my life) doing an honest self evaluation and accepting myself WHERE I AM while I strive to grow in maturity and health. This is a great place to be and I'm thankful for it.

Speaking of issues with my father. I think I'll write a lengthy post about that later today or tomorrow. I'd like to get some feedback from you all about some of the weird things my dad did and/or said to me as I started to develop (and no, he NEVER molested me and certainly never said anything sexy to me - quite the contrary actually).

Well, I'm off to do some dishes and get catch a few Z's before my mom comes to pick me up for our weekly trip to walk the dogs at the local animal shelter. I'm crazy about a little beagle named Sam there. I'd love to adopt him but can't have a pet in my apartment. Sigh.

Greenie · 06-24-2008, 07:58 PM

Hey Vilema,
you have been in my thoughts and I am so glad that you are doing better; great news about your schedule change at work.

Greenie

FoolishMind · 06-24-2008, 09:51 PM

Vilema this is great news, I can relate in many ways, In my first few weeks, and months of being P free, I treated myself on many occasions (yup I bought a Wii too!) And the time you have on your hands is unbeleivable! So again like you I have found so many new hobies, and started working out again, Just got back from the gym now with my wife, we have a a completley new routine, previsouly with P, I was so lethargic and moody, now we are both just bouncing of the walls with energy. Anyway, Great positivity and am really glad your seeing results so soon. Well done.

FM

Scooter · 06-24-2008, 10:24 PM

Hi Vilema - its so cool that everything is now going well for you. I'm just wondering, do you go through stages in your life where everything is going well, and other stages where everything falls apart? I may be reading too much into it but I draw a similarity to you, if this is the case.

Your first post here was really inspirational to me, especially the layout. If its okay with you, do you might if i use the same format when I declare myself P-free?

All the best in your continued efforts.

Vilema · 11:36 PM

Hey Scooter, thanks for your feedback. I'm happy you found my post helpful. I enjoy writing and it helps me to clear my head. It also helps me tap into subconscious thoughts, feelings, issues, etc. It's good that you're journaling regularly. I think it will help you in the way that its helping me.

Yes, in the past, I have definately experienced what you mention. I have gone through stages where I feel like all is well and then experienced stages where the bottom falls out. For most of my life, I focused on these stages and their seeming instability as the basis for my "bad" behavior.

I suppose I allowed myself to be controlled by my circumstances rather than to recognize my ability to exercise control over them. Granted there are many variables in life that we simply cannot control, however, looking back, I believe I was relying on those uncontrollable variables as my excuse to treat myself, my body, my emotional healthy and my life badly.

I can honestly say to you, Scooter, that I was living a nuber of lies an inconsistencies. I would exclaim that I wanted to improve such and such or that I wanted to lose weight or that I wanted to let go of past hurts but in the next breath rely on life's inconsistencies for my rational to maintain my current status.

Today, I no longer subscribe to the stages of life paradigm. I realize that these stages are really the spice of life even when they are disappointing. Think about it. How much better are the good times when we have the bad times to reflect upon. Even though I've been through a tremendous amount of hurt, abuse and tragedy in my life, I can now recognize, appreciate and embrace the good times with so much more joy and enthusiasm.

What I've gleaned from reading your recovery journal is that you appear to be struggling with the desire to improve yourself vs. the desire to maintain your status quo. Your fate, Scooter, rests entirely in your hands. You may continue to live your life in the way you've been living it (which based on your posts sounds like it's rife with personal frustration, disappointment and broken relationships due to your reliance on p) or you can make the courageous decision to stop that cycle now. You will absolutely have stages of bad times. But you will absolutely have stages of good times too.

I don't know if this is a bunch of senseless ramblings (I'm operating on only 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours) or if you find it helpful. I am cheering for you Scooter. And, yes, you may absolutely use anything from my posts if it will help you to slay the beasts you're fighting. You are worth the effort, Scooter. You can do this. I'm happy to be your friend and offer encouragement and support along the way. The first step, however, lies with you. Will you take the journey? I suspect the quest's end is well worth the effort. I know that my 6 days of freedom have been some of the best of my adult life even though I've had some loneliness and personal frustration. If I'm feeling this good when circumstances in my life are less than favorable, I cannot wait to see how good I'm going to feel when my circumstances improve. I am confident you will find the same to be true for yourself. Hang in there, buddy. You can do it!!!

illumination · 06-26-2008, 11:41 AM

Vilema, I've enjoyed reading your journal and I'm amazed how much you have learned about yourself in a few days! You are very insightful to make the connection between the porn problem and the other addictions and issues in your life, and then to see that there is a possibility of being free from having our happiness controlled by circumstances. I sincerely hope you continue successfully on this path.