I'm trying to stop this madness

[Dane]

Two weeks sober

[Dane]

20 days sober!
Having a hard time tho..

[dave]

I'm curious about the support system you are using.
My first few weeks were hell and as I reflect on that time I realize that I was going it alone. I wish I had developed a system of support earlier.
Now I have:
- a trusted friend I confide in
- SAA - I make a meeting every week or so - it is a one way 90 minute drive
- an SAA sponsor I phone a few times a week
- I see a counselor who has been FANTASTIC in helping me understand some of the roots of the mess I got into
- I have returned to a prayer life
- I read SAA related support material every day

This list is not for everyone but for me it fits well.
My "white knuckle" days of quitting have passed and I work on recovery and sobriety now - my integrity and confidence in staying clean are growing.

Take care
Dave

[FoolishMind]

Hi Dane, congrats on your 20 days (21 now), What Dave has mentioned is so true. Just from that simple list / strategy, you can see he has planned how to help himself first. Potentially if he removed one of those points from the list, it could cause him to fall.

So why dont you share with us, what specifically your finding tough at the moment, that way, members can share with you any tips they may have.

Thanks
FM

[Dane]

Thanks guys!
You seem to have a good thing going on here Dave! I don't have that, but things seem to work pritty good for me now

But my "quitting-motivation" ain't the strongest. Because I am, in a way, happy with my "releationship" with p now.
I used to watch it maby 4-5 times a' week. And now it can be up to 20 days between every time! Thats less than people with a "normal" relationship with p do.

I think watching p is wrong. But I don't look at it as a huge problem in my life anymore. And I like the progress I have. I've now been 22 days sober, witch is my record and that's pretty good I think!
Bu I know I can do better, and I will.

Me and one of my best friends had a talk about p two days ago. And he hates it as much as I. He is a good christian, but he also "failes" from time to time. And he doesn't understand why that happends. He ain't addicted, but it is still a problem for him because he don't want to hurt his girlfriend. But it happends, anyway...


P addiction and just p in it self is such a strange thing. Why do we men HAVE TO click on that picure? Why do we have to see it even when we dont want to? I think A LOT of men has that problem. Maby specialy christian men.
We know it's "wrong". And we think that I am the only person in the world beeng that stupid.
But this is a issue that many men has, but it's tabu. So noone talks about it. I, once catched my dad looking at p. I've catched a friend. The friend I refered to earlier catched he's father and he is a pastor. An other friend of mine found p on our earlier pastors computer.
And the thougt about all of this people, wich is people I look up to, wach p; makes me think that I can use that as an excuse.
He does it, and the rest of the world does it, so why can't I?

This is just loose thought...

I don't know if I'll ever be 100% free from p.
But it ain't that big of a problem anymore, but yes, it is a problem. And I am working on it.
But I don't want my future kids to catch me watching p!

So where is the line...? Where is my line? Is it not that big a deal
to look at it from time to time? Ore does this destroy anything in my life? How will it effect my personal relationship with my heavenly father be affected? I don't know.
Will I find out? I don't know.
But the thing I know, is that I am doing a great job fixing something that have been a problem in my life for so many years!
Agan, It've been 22 days sins last time.
22 DAYS!

I feel lost. I think something, the world says something, my friends sais something, my whife sais something and my God sais something.
Lost... But happy I guess

[Daniel]

Dane,

Twenty Two Days! That is Excellent News my friend!

I read a book that had an unofficial estimate that many many of the pastors were in the same boat as many in the culture: completely addicted to P.

I'm not saying all are because I believe many, maybe "most" are free.

But just like the culture from where these pastors were drawn from, some struggle. Some do not. It affects everyone some how or another.

No one gets away from it. Even on a mountain top with no one around you have your thought life to deal with.

This message is brought out of love and compassion:

!BEWARE! of the thought that P "ain't that big of a problem anymore."

You are all too familiar, as I am also, that P is very hard to contain.

It's a MONSTER that only wants more.

It's difficult to reach a compromise with P: I used to think

"Okay P, I am going to put up with you because I need you. I can't live with you - I can't live without you. You are going to live over here in this dark corner where no one can see you. I will protect you. I will make sure you live and breathe because I will be over here all the time making sure you're still alive. I'll give you lots of good food to eat. I will not tell anyone about you because I want you [P] to stay healthy and help me live my life, cope with all the junk I don't want to face and deal with. P, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours."

BUT THERE'S ONE BIG PROBLEM WITH THIS.

P begins to develop an appetite that grows so big it takes over. Everything begins to revolve around the P fix and the next time I can {past tense} get a P fix, etc., etc.

If P is personified as a little harmless non-human organism, "he" quickly grows into an out-of-control monster who forces his way into my brain and takes over the Control Room, booting out all of the Good Guys and locking the door behind them.

Dane, I encourage you to not compromise with P.

I encourage you to go 100% no P.

To let "a little bit" stay alive is to run the risk of P running you over again, ruling your life, destroying this precious bit of peace and joy you have so carefully built up.

You have said in your Journal how much better your life has become. You have also said here and there it's not that big of a problem. Nevertheless, you are working pretty hard on something that's 'not that big of a problem'! And I AM GLAD YOU ARE!!

Don't give P a box to live in. Throw it out!

No matter what you decide to do Dane, I'm with you and will support your path anyway I can.

Sincerely,

Daniel

[Dane]

Dude... Thank you so much!
You have no idea how much those words mean to me

And you are absolutely right. I think p gives me a kind of a false plessure. I like to wach it, but I gain nothing from it.
To look at p, is in a way to enjoy the woman on her premises. And as I wach, I get from her, but I don't give anything back. If you understand what I meen..?
It is ctually a pretty selfish act...

My soberperiodes are getting longer and longer. Today, 23 days and a record! And maby it one day will last forever? I hope so. I think...

Thats all there is today. Again, thaks Daniel

[Dane]

26 days sober!!

[tone]

Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations. Keep up the excellent work and never give up. It may seem tough around this time, after all you are in virgin territory of 26 days. It took me years to get to the point that I am at and only after my marriage broke down. I am happy for you that you have identified this problem before it has gotten to that stage. Keep strong and enjoy life and know that there are people out here that understand and care as well as derive strenght from your battle.

[Little lock]

Great to know you're doing well so far, although I have to agree with Daniel's assesment on p. Its a out of control monster with a horiible appetite. Throw it out of your head. Don't give it a chance to take over again. Good luck