Scooter's Journal

[Scooter]

Background: 24 years old. Long history of PA, including a conviction. I'm gay and have tried to cut down on the homo references as I know this probably isn't everyones cup of tea.

I think this journal is a great idea. I've gone 2 days now without looking at porn. Not much of an achievement yet but I'm sure it will be. I'm really lucky to have a supportive partner. Today we have decided to install porn blocking software on my computer - so that only he has the password. Does anybody else have this sort of thing installed? I am trialing NetNanny. It seems alright but it is $40 and costs more to have it on my 2 computers. I wonder if other people here can recommend a better software?

I am struggling with really low self confidence. I have suffered from depression since I was 18 and am on medication that helps with it, but doesn't fix everything. I feel guilty for burdening my partner with my worries and I feel so lame for not being able to deal with things that seem to trivial to others. I feel good about my decision to live porn free though. Its going to be a huge step - feels like giving up one of the finer things in life - even though I know its bad for me.

Me and porn seem to have schizophrenic relationship. When I'd look at porn, its like being in a trance. It would start with a horny feeling... I'd look at porn... I'd look at MORE porn... I'd look at WORSE porn.... and it would need to get pretty intense before I could get off. I worry about what will happen the next time I get that urge. Now that I have porn block software, I dont think I'd be able to do anything about it. I doubt I'd be able to MB without the stimuli of porn.

Sex with my partner hasn't been great. I get frustrated with him trying to get me off cos I can never get there and mainly just focus on getting him off. I hope that with time and absense of porn... my natural sex drive will come back and I'll be able to enjoy sex without porn.

I think thats probably enough for now. Any feedback would be great... especially if you know of good porn blocking software.

Scooter

[Cobalt]

I must say, first of all, I adore the avatar.

Welcome! Congrats on the two days so far, and here's to continued success! It's great that you've got someone willing to support you through this. I can't tell you how immensely it's helped me.

I'm also thrilled that you want to keep a journal. For me, writing's been a consistent way to vent frustrations and calm down during tough stretches. I do hope it does the same for you!

I can also relate very closely to the depression. I understand what it's like.

If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to search me out.

Again, welcome, and all the best to you!

[Scooter]

Its been a week now since i last looked at P and MB. Installed K9 was an awesome move. Its not intrusive and i dont even know its there. I've gone from MB 10+ times a week, to none. I worry that I can't get off without the use of P. I've only got off once this week and that was with my partner. I feel ok about it, but not so pure yet. I guess that will change with time. Its been easy so far, have just thrown myself into my studies and computer games... so haven't been tempted much.

I hope it stays this easy and that after time I'll be able to MB without porn. I'm looking forward to reclaiming innocense.

[Cobalt]

Hey, congrats on your one week!

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Congrats on your progress, Scooter, and welcome to the site.

I think everything you've done so far is really very good, and you're committed to quitting, which is really the most important part. (Really, the most important part.) I know you'll be able to make it if you just keep focused on your goals.

That said, you might slip up, but if you do, DO NOT GIVE UP. I've been fighting this problem for ten years, and I'm seeing progress. But it's been slow. One of the reasons it's been so slow is that I usually give up after failing a couple of times. And then it'll be months before I get back in the saddle. This time, I won't let myself rest. I've relapse bad once since I joined this site, and it's been almost two months. It's not great, but it's a definite start. I just never stop being amazed at how difficult it is. But I know it's worth it, and that's what keeps me going.

Also, I think it would benefit you a lot to post here more regularly. It'll become a habit, and may serve as a last-minute turnaround when you get the urge.

Again, welcome (albeit belated), and I hope you continue to be totally successful.

AE

[Scooter]

11 days without P or MB now and have only had 1 orgasm with my partner. For the first time in a while now I feel genuinely horny. I'm a little frustrated. For me masturbating has always been completely depenedent on porn. I would like to continue masturbating - I feel its a normal and healthy bodily function - but I fear I just wont be able to do it, and orgasm without porn. And in fact, I'm too scared to try - I have a feeling it will just end up in frustration!

This has made me ponder a bit about the P and MB cycle. I think a healthy and perhaps 'nomal' cycle includes a person becoming aroused, and then deciding to masturbate. For me, for a long time it hasn't been like that. Its almost like, my body tells me when its time to masturbate (maybe through routine, or body chemicals? i'm not sure), and then to masturbate I've required porn, leading to dependency.

So today my body has been speaking quite clearly to me that its time for its next orgasm... and I'm just going to have to find another 'means' of getting there. Thankfully, I'm not even tempted to look at P because I'm feeling so good about these changes (and having a filter helps).... its just frustrating feeling horny and not knowing what to do about it.

[Justme]

Congats on the 11 days...thats awsome.
I am starting to get the hang of this site. I know i have been sending you abit of stuff. I know there are alot of people on this site but it does feel nice to kind of get to keep in more regular contact with just a few. Plus youre from NZ so that is a good connection for me.
It is my first day today. i have a lot of thoughts going through my head. Alot too have been on the subject of MS. i too believe it is a normal healthy thing to do but like you for me it has always been linked to P mainly. But MS to P wasnt always a sensual feeling cause often I would MS to P when i really wasnt even feeling horney. My best orgasms have actually been with my partner or without P...with just me actually enjoying the feeling of MS instead of my mind being held captive by the P.
I am looking forward to seeing how leaving P behind will affect my desire to MS. I have only recently discovered the link between P and my disability to get an erection and finish during normal sex. I thought I was having impotense issues but while looking at P there never was an issue. This has caused alot of stress for me when ever I am with my girlfriend. So i am looking forward to seeing and noticing any changes that may happen. i do feel like a whole new world could possibly open up. I am at the point where i am just tired of wasting time looking at P and am tired of so looking forward to time alone just so I could watch P.
I have started my own journal this morning as suggested.
Congrats again on your 11 days as far as MS without porn dont get frustrated when you try. MS to porn is about getting off but MS can also be a very sensual experience and rather then just focussisng on getting off just focus on enjoying the sensation of touch etc. This will help you relax and if you let go of the need to have to orgasm you will find yourself enjoying it more. You will also find yourself having orgasms of a different kind , ones where your whole body will tingle and feel good but you wont necessarily come. And that is fine...just enjoy it!
Cheers mate.

[Vorlan]

Good work on getting to 11 days Scooter!

You're doing great! I use K9 too and its a great system. I havn't seen it since I installed it but it's good to know that it would be there if I tried to relapse.

Also I'm impressed at how much you are contributing to TTF recently. It's really good to see!

I hope you continue to be successful!

Best wishes,

Ben

[Justme]

Hi mate,
12 days then for you today hey! 2 days for me. I am on here now cause I have the urge to get on and look at some P. I really didnt realize how strong that urge was until i decided not to look at it anymore. I get the urge and its like...oh no...not going there but then my body just sooo wants to. Or maybe its my mind that wants to? Its like...ahhh......I have been working hard this morning so I deserve just a quick one. I just feel like something is inside of me is magnetically pulling me in to want to do it.
Anyways...everyone on this site is great. It is just so nice to have support. Even though i dont know any of you and even though we dont know what any one looks like, it is just nice knowing everyone is supportive and it feels like we are all friends.
By the way.....I am going to write about some more stuff in my journal...check it out. Some positive things (-:
Hope you are doing well. Let me know (-;
Cheers
R

[Scooter]

I'm not having such a good day today. Small things seem to be bugging me more than usual and I just feel stressed. I just want to escape the world, and I'm frustrated that the world of depravity I used to escape to when things got too much is no longer there.

Porn to me is such an escape. There's no other way (besides gambling... dont tempt me), that I can completely immerse myself in another world and switch off to the real one. I'm glad I have the porn filter on cos I would have probably just given up if I didn't. I need some cheering up :(