d56 reaching for freedom

[dave]

I've been hanging around this site for over a month. I have about 48 days P and M free but am still struggling - not so much with an urge to use P but to relieve my stress with M.
Eventually I may return to some M but the wisdom I have gained from this and related sites tells me that I need to face the issue of my use of sex for stress relief once and for all - so I am determined to stay M free for the near future and P free forever.

I first learned of sex when a male sexually abused me when I was about 5 or 6. It only happened twice that I can recall but it seemed to sensitize me to sex. At about 12 I found a P mag and learned to M the next year. M has been my buddy since then. I am now 56 so that is a long term relationship!

I have been married since 20 and some form of P has always been lurking in the background. I love my wife but her sex drive has always been quite low. I thought that M and P were my way of coping. We have had plenty of counselling and the sex relationship has generally balanced out ( at least on her part ) - despite my P use we have developed quite a mutual sex relationship - but I have kept at the P. Otherwise we are blessed with a good marriage and a good life - careers family etc.

In the last few years P has become compulsive - almost daily - sometimes more often. I got it in my head that I needed P and M to cope with our sexual differences but I realize that is largely a rationalization. P revs me up sexually so that I M daily or more and at 56 it is time to grow a little older and be happy with sex with her once or twice a week. I realize that most other members describe the opposite - P makes them less sexual with their partners. I seem to always want sex with my wife.

But this addiction/compulsion has become an ugly rut that I was stuck in.
Unlike some others on these sites my problem never escalated beyond surfing fairly normal movies but I sure saved a lot of them and used them habitually.

It has made me oversexed when I should be gradually aging and adjusting to my wife's pace. She is a very loving person and sex with her is good. The P became an obsession that came to rule my life and set sex up as such a huge priority. I'm not meaning to brag but basically I have a fairly balanced social life - good set of friends,. interests, church, career, etc but the P was an added feature that I can not live with anymore.

It was this little private island that I ran to every day because I thought I needed / deserved the stress release .

Of course another problem is the double standard and shame of my private island.
Living with 2 sets of very contradictory standards had scarred my soul in ways that I am just beginning to grapple with.

I'm getting long winded here so I'll take a break.

I have arranged to attend my first SA meeting tomorrow - it feels a little tense to think of identifying myself as a SA, but I am determined to get a grasp on why this has been such a millstone around my neck for so long. I need to learn how I can find freedom to live with myself and my wife sexually, without always feeling so sexually driven.

So if anyone is reading this - am I sort of on track ? I have a unique problem but so does everyone. In another post I will outline how I came to the realization that I have a problem .... how I seem to be able to live without P cravings ..... how I am still so ofte an emotional wreck with the physical urge to have sexual relief almost all the time - even after 40 some days clean !

I pray daily in thanks for my early recovery, for release from emotional instability, for relief of this sexual pressure.

Keep a thought and prayer for me as well if that's your thing.
D56

[Cobalt]

I can't tell you if you're on track or not, because, like you said, everyone's situation is unique. I can say I believe you've made some good progress in coming here and realizing what's wrong. I can also say, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm around.

[Farmer]

Dave,

I have found that writing my journal has been a big help to me.

I am 59 years old and was abused early on as well. The MB urges you talk about hit me some days pretty hard and other days not at all. I figure it is just part of the withdrawal I am going through. I will someday be able to treat MB as normal, healthy act to enjoy.

Good luck with your journey.

[dave]

This is weird in a nice way - I just posted you a person message and here you answer part of it in my journal B4 you even read it.
Wow we are so close in age - sure would be nice to have started recovery so much earlier.
Anyway - today is what we have

[dave]

Tonight will be my first SA meeting - I'm really nervous - back B4 beginning recovery I would let P and M sooth that stress. Well, I am going to stay clean and trust that the experience will be valuable.

Still . . . . to sit in a room full of real people and talk about this issue I have kept hidden all these years . . . . . . . ..

[dave]

Went to my first SAA meeting tonight - I really respect all the heart wrenching stories but I feel so out of place there. I am not better than anyone there but my experience is so different. No one's problem seemed at all similar to mine.( about 10 in attendance)
I have a relatively good marriage relationship and a strong social circle. Yes P stressed my marriage but we are committed to each other.
My P has had little escalation - just a relentless dirty way for me to cope that has GOT to stop.
I never crossed many bounderies, other than using P and dishonesty with my wife. There is the other obvious double standard that I have lived.
Tonight's group members have some tough experiences and several are struggling with slips.
I am so grateful to have a relatively contained problem and that I can build a P and M free stretch with the supports that I have. My challenges seem small compared to what some of these fellows are facing.
Perhaps this is the lesson God had for me in attending tonight. I will have to read their materials and attend another meeting soon.
Does this sound like a bunch of rationalization ?
Perhaps there are other guys out there who have my type of problem. . . . .

[Scooter]

A couple of years ago, I volunatarily committed myself to a program for sex offendors, though my offending was only with pornography. I know what its like thinking perhaps you dont belong their... as these people have problems with hands on sex and your issue is porn... but I do think you will find a lot of similarities and a lot of the things they discuss in the group will be relevant to your problem.

I really applaud you for joining SA... that must have been a huge step!

[dave]

I am on day 51 P and M free !
Yet I feel a little tempted to M . It has been a long day with plenty of good things but my old habit was to relax with sex. I am not P tempted but M tempted.
I need to stay totally clean longer to sort this out.
I am pleasantly suprised at how prayer has remained a part of my life - I am NOT a conservative christian yet I find myself waking with a prayer " thanks for my sobriety' and falling asleep to the same

I'll go read the paper and hit the sack

[dave]

I am just over 80 days P and M free but I feel very depressed. Things are complicated between my wife and I - we have been married 36 years and we have a good relationship other than sex struggles. Now that I have been clean a good stretch the reality of where we are at sexually is hitting home. She is happy with sex once a week and I feel like a frustrated newly wed. I had hoped that if I stayed clean and gave myself time I would adjust, but I feel sexual tension most of the time.
I may have to return to some M but there is always the fear of a slip back to P.
I know all the good advice - keep busy etc. I have a good social and church life. I exercise. I pray.
It just seems I am a looser who can't live without a lot of sex - and I can't expect this great partner to agree to much more. We are 56 years old
80 days ago I thought I would have adjusted by now !!!
I just want to go hide in a hole and cry.

[Medium]

Hey Dave,

Just read your message today. I don't know if I can offer good advice. I don't know if it's P or MB that is the battle you are fighting. You mentioned double standards a few times and for me that's the big thing, whether it's P or MB. It sounds like I have a fairly similar relationship with my wife. We've been married for only 8 years, but our sex life is probably less active than yours. This is not enough for me and hence my justification for indulgence also, but I haven't tried counselling yet with my wife. Have you told your wife that this is not enough? Have you asked her if she minds if you MB? Maybe if that works for you it isn't the worst thing. I don't know if that goes against what you are trying to do. For me that wouldn't work, because I have small kids and a young wife and I believe that (although perhaps un-justifiably) I can control my urge for sex and not that it controls me.

I gave up earlier in the year for 2 months and then relapsed for 3. I've only just got back on board to try to kick this habit again. My reasons for trying a second time are mostly about trying to be honest with those around me (mostly my wife and kids). I don't know if I can do it (be honest that is), and it doesn't seem like a lot to ask, but for years of cheating and lying, it's a well entrenched habit.

I'm only a week in, but I'm expecting the emotional rollercoaster ride to begin again before long. I had some pretty big emotional swings last time. Good luck. Hope you find some resolve whichever way you choose.