d56 reaching for freedom

[dave]

Another few good days at the lake

BEgan reading the bible daily again a little more seriously

Chose a newer lose translation called teh message
Today the Psalms talked about God working on our soft spots and rounding off our rough edges - this has been a good thought for me today

ANother big plus in my life is responding to newer members on this and another site

Take care all

Dave

[Daniel]

Hey Dave,

Good to see things are proceeding nicely more or less.

Your post reminds me of a tool I try to use: A Proverb a day (works out well with 31) and you get all or most of the book in a month; and/or read the Psalm for the day then add 30 until (1, 31, 61, 91, 121). If you do this every day then the Book of Psalms is covered in a month. I'll admit I haven't managed to do the Psalms in a month but I have covered Proverbs.

All of this to say it has really helped in the PA healing process. Early on in my fight, if I was feeling tempations, I would (sometimes force) myself to read Prov 5. That would always make the tempt. stop cold, particularly the last v.

Good to "see" you again,

Daniel

[Rowlf]

Hi Dave,

I like 'The Message' translation as well. It causes me to hear the words anew, rather than the years of readings and sermons at church which tend rather to flow over me. And going back to a good source for spiritual wisdom cannot fail to be a good idea. As usual you are prompting me to look at my habits and maybe change - I've got my copy down from the bookshelf - next step reading some each day or so!

Keep up the good work. This change stuff takes time but you seem to be continually taking steps in the right direction.

[dave]

I'm still on the road and I miss regular conact - especially some of my regulars - when they stop posting .....
For myself all is going quite well. Emotions still tug at me and triggers abound. But I have stayed clean.
My new sponsor is a very busy guy but we finally had a good talk yest
Take care all
Dave

[dave]

Finally back from holidays and it feels good to get settled in at home.
The emotional roller coaster has settled a little. Still feel sad frequently but fewer of the tearful sprees. Sometimes I miss P but not in a craving way - just the routine of sx release. I guess it is a sort of grieving over a lost 'friend' who was really no good for me but who filled a purpose.
At other times I feel sad over all the years that I have spent at my PA - why couldn't I have dealt with this earlier in my life ?
At 56 I have to realize that life is moving on.
I guess I am envious of the younger guys who break through denial.
My prayer is to focus on what I have and not on what I don't have.
Hoping to formally get SAA steps going in the next week.
Take care
Dave

[Daniel]

Glad to have you 'back' Dave.

My condolences over the why-not-sooner-?, why-did-I-waste-so-much-time-? questions. God only knows. I wish I had stopped sooner too. Better yet, to never have started in the first place. Now to utilize what we have left, it'll be what we make it!

Best Regards, Daniel

BTW, pray/help/talk/chat w/ Michael. This morning he said he is "giving up"....

[dave]

Finally found a mutually suitable time me meet with my SAA sponsor today. I have been working at getting ready for a Step One.

I went over a material in the SAA book with 2 highlighter - PINK for the stuff that resonates with me and BLUE for stuff that doesn't seem to fit.

Also revisited my BLACK NOTEBOOK. I started a new page with the heading POWERLESS UNMANAGEABLE
and then llisted SA behavior that has troubled me - a seperate page for each area of my life - on page 24 !!

I hope it goes well. My PA doesn't fit so many of the lists and descriptions in literature so I want to be brutally honest in coming to grips with who I am in SAA.

Take care
Dave

[dave]

We really clicked in terms of personality - many similar interests but more importantly we have had similar journeys.

Basically we went for a long walk and talk - we told our stories.

Look forward to more meetings and a formal Step 1

[Daniel]

Dave,

Sounds very promising. Like a "Real Life" version of the TTF community. I'm real happy to hear the news and look forward to your Journaling..

Best Regards,

Daniel

[dave]

Woke up and red my usual 'Answer in the Heart' daily SAA devotional and off to a good start. I had a few realizations.
1. I am P and M clean 150 days tomorrow !
2. I feel greatful that my SO confronted me.
3. I am greatful for SAA and a sponsor.
4. I am ready to help others - went to an SAA meeting the other day and only 4 showed up - all were struggling and I think my success was encouraging
5. I actually had this change in mind for some time. I remember thinking over the past year that god was preparing me for something. It is amazing that I never considered cleaning up my P and M compulsion was part of the plan - that's denial ! I stopped surfing P over 8 mo ago about 4 months b4 D Day so in a way I stepped down my addiction. I still had a P stash.
Many other thoughts - I think I will post them independently.
Dave