d56 reaching for freedom

[dave]

I received some really rough news tonight - mainly out of the blue.
It does not relate to sex but it sure has me reeling. I don't really know where to turn.
My wife is supportive of my efforts to change but she is having a problem with me breaking down over the past 3+ months that I have been clean. The tears come so easily for me since I quit P and M.
If I cry she keeps her distance. She is seeing a counsellor about this issue and I hope we can make some progress.
It just seems that my emotions have no resiliency. I want to let it out but it distances us.
Perhaps I will go for a drive.

[Little lock]

Hey, I hope you're feeling better now. Keep your chin up mate. Remember, you are not in this alone. Hope you get out of your funk soon!

[Rowlf]

Dave,

Was very moved by your present stuggle. Sounds like you've reached a deeper level in this addiction pattern stuff. Doesn't sound a pleasant place to be but maybe it's a fruitful place....

I may be way off base and over identifying my patterns as yours (nice thing about posts, they can be ignored, changed or deleted!) but I'm wondering if you're looking to your wife to make it all all right for you - is that her job right now?

Perhaps these urges are like Jacob wrestling with the angel - we don't win, but do get everything in the end by being defeated by something greater than ourselves. I think that what we are doing is breaking through to a deeper part of ourselves that previously we've shut the door on by too quick gratification of desire. Satiated (or numbed) I don't have to go any further. Is addiction misplaced desire? Where should that desire be, or where does it come from?

I'm a christian too, and in my better moments I do believe that we're not given more than we can handle at any time. Another day in earthschool and God has crafted today's lesson especially for us!

Congrats on your 96 days clear!!! Way to go.

Rowlf

[dave]

Thanks for the support Rowlf
You say "in my better moments I do believe that we're not given more than we can handle at any time"
Tonight is not one of my "better moments". I haven't slept at all. I can't seem to get a grip on myself and let the bad news I received go. I have prayed and prayed. Tried to watch TV Had a shot of irish whiskey Nothing seems to work.

I don't want my wife to carry my problems but a good hug would help but when I cry I need to stay clear of her for the time being. She has a block about my tears and I want to respect her need for space.

It is the first time I have really been tempted to return to P and M. At least that worked for a limited time. I know this is stinking thinking but I feel at the end of my rope.
When I first started getting clean 3 months ago I had mild suicidal thoughts for a day or so. At times like this I don't know if my mind can handle the stress.
I know I am just ranting. Hopefully I can get some sleep yet and things will look better tomorrow.
God Bless all

[Rowlf]

Dave,

I'll be holding you in mind & prayers today - hope sleep comes and you're able to be present to yourself. You're a good man.

I've been through the black pit of suicidal thoughts too many times myself (once is too many!) so I know that space and would want to be able to let a line down to you. For me, I've needed to reach out to someone and ask for help there, which I find very difficult to do as I try to be superman and do it all myself.

Keep strong, Keep breathing in and out and just doing what is necessary right now, this minute. You're not alone.

Rowlf

[dave]

I finally got a few hours sleep and woke up with a constructive idea regarding the bad news (work related) that threw my emotions into a meltdown yesterday.
Basically I am insecure and when people crap on me I am too tolerant. My christian roots of loving your enemy sometimes harm me.
Since coming clean 3 months ago I have had to face up to the shame of my P behavior. It was always lurking in the background and kept quiet with my daily P rush
Now I tend to let anxiety simmer but it gets out eventually.
Sex has been a mainstay of relief for decades. I want sex to be a time of intimacy for my wife and I, not a stress reliever for me.
I decided to call up an ally in my work stress issue. I had not considered this in my emotional mess last night. This person will make a few calls regarding the work issue and perhaps get some resolution. Basically I am being majorly disrepected about a job and I feel so insecure that I can't seem to be able to stand up for myself. As a recovering P addict I carry this weird attitude that I don't deserve much.
I usually try to work out my own battles but I think this is the time to get assistance. I hope it works out.

96 days free of P and M today - let's hope that I start making progress on some emotional balance.
Take care all.

[Rowlf]

Dave,

Cool! Way to go. You deserve all the help the universe can give you and I hope your friend is able to do something for you. But by asking it sounds like you've shifted a block.

Your internal dilemma sounds so similar to mine. Have you ever looked at the enneagram? I first came across it within christian retreat houses and have found it the single most useful spiritual tool in all of my searching. Mind you it's the old "the truth will set you free, but it will make you bloody miserable first!" In using it I could see I had no sense of the inner me - I was so focussed on the outside. In being here I fully admit that this still the case sometimes, but isn't at others which is a BIG improvement.

Rowlf

[dave]

Not sure if this is what they mean by cross posting but I posted in reply to a "new posts" . The poster wanted to know what to expect after a planned letter was delivered to her partner.
Simply entering this helped me immensly.

"My wife put her foot down about my P use 3 months ago and I am glad she did.
One related factor was that she told me she had shared my problem with 2 of her closest friends. This initially angered me but in the bigger picture was part of my motivation to clean up my act.
We have been married 36 years and went through a real rough patch about 15 years ago. P was not a major problem for me then.
Now that I have been clean for this stretch we are revisiting some of our issues. It is difficult but so much better when we can work on things with honesty and intimacy.
I am not saying she is 'the' problem but our relationship has issues that I coped with by using P. It was not right, healthy or repectful of her and my integrity. P then became a daily drug I used to manage my stresses and then it became in addiction / compulsion. I suspect many men get into it this way. We know it is wrong but it does so much for us - has a lot of power. I never stopped loving my wife. I just learned to live a double life.
In addition I could not see a way past it. I know this sounds like a rationalization but in the grips of an addiciton it is terrifying to image life without the addictive substance.
Now I am clean I feel more emotional and that is a challenge for her.
We love each other and I live in hope and faith that our relationship will grow more and more as we sort out some of the complexities of being together.

My wife and I are more in love than when I was using and our love is growing
And as my integrity grows I am learning to love myselt again.

Writing this has been a big help to me and I hope to you.

I hope and pray that your letter works - that your relationship can be saved - that he finds some help and hope."

My wife went to her counselling session and she worked hard on some of her issues. I am not saying she is to blame for my problem but it feels so good that we are working as a team - I work on my recovery - she works on her recovery - we work on our recovery.

I am off to a music festival for 6 days and may not be able to post for a stretch. When we are back I will be over 100 days !!

[dave]

Just got back from a music festival - due to some sort of maliciousness of mix-up I lost my job there and tried to enjoy it as an audience member. This did not go very well but I made it through and stayed clean.
The sobriety counter shows that I have stayed away from P and M - only sex with my wife for 102 days.
Thanks to TTF for all the support - especially Farmer, and the moderators.

[Farmer]

Welcome back Dave, you have proved that you can survive without MB and P. You proved that you are stronger than MB and P.

Great job Dave.

Farmer