d56 reaching for freedom

[Newman]

Dave,
As one of the other over 50 members here I thought I'd drop you a line. I, too, have been married for over 30 years. For most of those years I used porn. It escalated over time until I was taking more and more chances and engaging in more and more dangerous behavior. A few months ago I decided to seek professional help, for the second time.

All during that time I was unsatisfied with the physical relationship I had with my wife. She does not "need" a sexual relationship. I did and still do. Her seemingly uncaring attitude toward my needs in this regard created a great deal of bitterness and resentment in me. I believe that this resentment and bitterness was part of a vicious cycle that included SA/PA. The more I wanted frequent intimacy with my wife (which I didn't get) the more I turned to P, and the more I used P, the more I longed for frequent intimacy with my wife.

After some testing a psychologist determined that I was suffering from long term, low grade, chronic depression. She, with input from my physician, recommended a low dose of fluoxetine (Prozac). The medication initially had a tremendously beneficial effect. It resolved my depression and anxiety and greatly reduced my urge / compulsion to view porn. However, it also had the effect of reducing my libido and preventing me from reaching climax.

As you might suspect, this was a rather embarrassing situation. But, since my wife has been supportive, we were able to discuss this openly and deal with it. The effect of the medication has worn off somewhat. My compulsive urges regarding P are still greatly reduced to the level that I can manage them. Further, my libido has returned to an acceptable level along with the ability to reach climax. My relationship with my wife is probably better than it has been in over a decade.

I won't presume to offer advice. I simply hope that from my experience you might find something that helps. Good luck. Life is much better without porn.

[dave]

I can't pinpoint where the stress really stems from. I don't have urges or temptations for P but I have the feeling that I need sex with my wife; perhaps I should try some M and see if it helps. I feel a little proud of being clean close to 3 months so to go back to M ???
I had hoped that by living clean my body adjusting to less sex and the tension would decrease. But it just keeps at me !
Perhaps I need to consider medication. I like an evening drink and it takes the edge off but I am aware of the dangers of cross addiction.
My wife and I have been to couselling over the years and things got much better but now the P had become a compulsion - much like your compensation experience.
Today she offered that she is going to see our former counsellor to sort out her reactions to my tension. I am trying to see her decision as a positive doorway for us.
Thanks for your comments.

[Farmer]

Dave,

You have worked hard trying to deal with these issues. What does your wife have to say about your efforts? Your needs?

Have you tried mutual masturbation? What about masturbation with her present? It seems you have a fear of reverting back to porn usage if you masturbate. This fear is likely real, it is for me, but at sometime the fear needs to be dealt with or else it will become part of problem.

Farmer

[Farmer]

Dave,

One other thought, even though I brought my masturbation habit into my marriage and it eventually deeply wounded my ex-wife she is not without blame.

She was very attractive. I would make advances and frequently (more often than not) be rejected. This frustration only increased my masturbation.

As addicts we are shouldering the blame ourselves, but I can only guess others were in my situation where we were being aroused by our SO's and rejected.

Farmer

[FoolishMind]

Originally Posted by Farmer

As addicts we are shouldering the blame ourselves, but I can only guess others were in my situation where we were being aroused by our SO's and rejected.

Farmer, I often thought about this. I would always feel that it was me being rejected, it was me with the increased libido. But in retrospect, The truth is, we actually forget the amount of times we have rejected our partner, because weve spent x amount of hours on P & M, that we are too tired and too selfish to please our partner. Yet when we do want 'it' we expect are partner to do the needful.

As previously mentioned, I used to think like that earlier on in my journey, but through educating myself via this site, understanding things more from an SO's point of view, really made me open my eyes to the actual truth.

So no blame should not be directed at SO's. Blame oneself, acknowledge the errors of ones ways, then make amends and move on.

FM

[Farmer]

FM,

I have accepted the blame and I have moved on over these last 70+ days of my recovery. This is something I have learned and it is invaluable.

Then I go an write something that is contrary to my new way of thinking, I have surprised even myself with this slip.

Thanks for your comments, I have re-booted and will start fresh again.

Farmer

[dave]

My day started off rough but I think I have come to some insights after a few tears and a few prayers this morning.
This sexual drive I feel is really an anxiety issue - I reach for sex when I feel stressed and now that I have chosen to restrain sex to our relationship I am having to face stress head on.
My wife has made contact with a counsellor to work on her issues. So why did I feel threatened and want to reach for sex?
Her decision is a new doorway that can help us.

I need to hold to my sobriety and give myself time to grow - I can learn to deal with stress without sex. At least I hope and pray I can.
Thanks for the feedback guys.

[dave]

93 days P and M clean but still struggling in my emotions and marriage.
The temptation for P is not an issue but most days I have an urge to M.
I have had a few emotional breakdowns recently - basically a good cry but my wife has trouble with this. She keeps her emotional distance and this seems to accelerate my emotions - dog chasing its tail.
It was pretty nastly last night. We talked a bit at bedtime and I shared again how sorry I am for how I have hurt her. Then my tears came. And she just lay there and said nothing - I wanted a hug.
It seems we can have sex but her ability to handle my emotions is blocked. She has made an apt with a former cousellor so I am trying to see this positively: yet I am full of fear. What if .... what if ..... my paranoid mind can run away on me.

I know the counsellor and want to see her too but I feel I need to give my wife the space to work this out on her own.

Basically I haven't found much 'sobriety' in the sense of feeling at peace with myself and with her. I pray a lot and keep very busy but I feel really tangled.

3 months ago I would have M and used P and felt some relief - if only briefly. Last night I had a few drinks - I just didn't know what else to do.
Today it feels like I am walking around in a knot.
Perhaps it is time to return to M and see if I can stay free of P and get some emotional release.
I am seeing my doctor in about 10 days and If I am not more settled I will ask for some meds.
Sure thought things would be better by now. One day at a time I guess. And pray that her couselling session will move us forward

[dave]

I was involved in church today and that really helped me settle.
My wife and I went for a long fast walk tonight and things feel good between us.
It seems I am so responsive to her moods - I need to detach more in the sense that she is entitled to her bad days. I tend to see all her moods as a reflection on me.
I hope to make an SAA meeting this week. I felt so out of place at the last one. I know that if I can connect with a few guys on a similar journey it will help.
Also planning to connect with a counsellor we saw years ago.

[dave]

Have decided to give the SAA Big Book a serious try. Sounds good so far. It would be great to find a sponsor I can relate to. At my only meeting I felt so out of place. I am married, have sex regularily with my wife and had a rather limited cybersex compulsion ( addiction). My story seemed to contrast so much to the dozen stories I heard at that meeting. Many of the stories seemed to be about ongoing struggles to abstain, about slips. and about having no relationships at all. I felt like I would bother them talking about my situation.
But I struggle too. I can't seem to adjust to a comfortable level of sex. So I need to give the meeting another try.