I am a 59 year old male and I am addicted to MB, P and recently I added Cybersex to my addictions. I used a webcam for about a month and hit bottom. I was online 4 to 6 hours a day. I realized that I was in a place where I didn’t want to be doing things I didn’t want to do. For me, webcam and cybersex is the crack cocaine of pornography.
I have been aware of my addiction to P & MB for 10 years and I have tried to quit 4 times previously and failed each try. After my 3rd divorce I felt that it wasn’t worth it to go find another partner. I just accepted MB as my sex life and I have been in a downward spiral ever since.
To start my recovery I wrote a celibacy contract: No masturbation for 30 days No masturbation until I have recovery plan in place No viewing porn forever, this means viewing porn to masturbate with or downloading porn for future masturbation. Today I am into my 31st day of abstinence from my addictions. After day 5, I felt this euphoria, very clear headed and fresh for 3 or 4 days. Then withdrawal set in and I was having muscle aches, mood swings, irritable and very depressed. About day 14 I started having strong urges to MB. Even after 30 days I still have the urges but not nearly as strong now and manageable. So far the urges to view P have been weak or none at all. This needs watching over carefully because I remember just catching a glimpse of the morning workout lady on TV knocked me off the wagon previously. I have a lot of triggers and I need to be on guard.
This morning I extended my celibacy contract for no MB another 30 days. The reason I did this is during the 1st 30 days of no MB and P, I started remembering things I had long forgotten. I started MB and P at the age of 10. By the time I was 13, I was addicted or at least compulsively MB with P. This early exposure to my Dad’s magazine hooked me. I have been a life long addict.
Also, I had been carrying a grudge and a deep hatred towards my ex-wife, blaming her for my addictions. After doing a lot of reading about sex addiction and some recovery exercises (questionnaires), I came to realize that my anger towards her is unfounded. I was addicted to sex that was the problem. I would make advances towards her and be rejected. I would become angry and feel sorry for myself and then wait to be alone and MB. Then it escalated quickly to MB and P. And when we did have sex I would frequently MB afterwards when I could sneak it in. I began to prefer MB and P over sex with my wife. Sex with my wife became difficult, without P, I was having erectile dysfunction problems.
Now that I have over come the denial I have been in, I’ll wait another 30 days and then re-evaluate. Also, I have not written my recovery plan. Since I am single my recovery plan will allow for healthy MB, I just don’t know how to define that appropriately for me.
This journal will be an important part of my recovery it is the 1st time I have told the truth about my addictions and how they affected my marriages and my life. Thanks.
You sound like you're a strong willed person and that you have the strength of character to beat this addiction. I've been an addict for about 6-8 years so I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. You're doing great already and I'm sure this forum will help you to go the extra mile and beat this for good.
You've:
Recognised you had a problem with P/MB
Decided to do something about it
Made a contract to stop
Kept clean for 31days
Joined this forum
One of the things that can make PA so hard to shake is that it encourages secrecy and isn't really accountable. This site has helped many PA to shake their addiction and to reinvent themselves as better more fulfilled people. I wish you the best of luck,
(sorry if I rambled on a bit)
Best wishes,
Ben
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Welcome to TTF Farmer, and thanks for sharing your story with us.
Every time I read a new member story here it's like a shock to my system, because I see myself in their shoes and can imagine the same thing happening to me if I don't get my own addiction under control.
Congratulations on your battle plan, and for recognizing you need help, and sharing your story with us here. Your post reminds me of the old quote "If we keep doing the same old things, we keep getting the same old results." So it's time to change the game up, and take a new approach, for the sake of our own happiness. I'm glad you are here and look forward to helping each other overcome this thing!
My advice is, post often, genuinely care for the people here, and you will be amazed at the results and what comes back to you. Take care Farmer and keep us posted!
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi
Last edited by Light; 05-11-2008 at 06:40 PM.
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Yesterday was a good day; I opened my journal here and posted for the first time. I felt good about myself for taking that step. I was quickly reminded that “feeling good” is a trigger so I took a breath and relaxed. We had heavy rains here and being shut in is also a strong trigger. I just read and re-read my addiction materials and stayed off the computer. In the past 30 days I have discovered that there is not consistency within the 12 steps groups and certainly not within therapists. Especially when defining sobriety. One therapist said if you can stop MB for 30 days you are “likely not addicted.” I have stopped for 30 days dozens of times over the years and it is not “likely” he knows what he is talking about.
I went to the post office to mail a letter and being Sunday it was empty except for one car. When I saw an attractive lady getting out of the car I almost snapped my neck turning to look/stare at her. I forgot about it by the time I got home but staring at women is like my top 5 triggers. When I was in day 5 of my recovery I went to the grocery store. Once inside I could not believe how my heart started racing and my head was scanning like radar for targets. This was only after 5 days of sobriety. I have been back 2 more times and now I can walk around easily, without searching for targets. I quit smoking 5 years ago and learned that preparing for the triggers was the key to quitting successfully. For example, before meetings and after meeting I needed a smoke. I had over a hundred nicotine triggers. So far I have identified 15 P & MB triggers.
I guess getting out of bed is one of my worst triggers. I have mostly acted out in the mornings.
My first recovery goal is to regain control of my mind. It seems I obsessively think about P & MB. I obsess over stupid, worthless petty things like waiting in line. Sometime’s I get angry over these petty things. I find it hard to pay attention and stay in the moment. I am getting interrupted by these unwanted thoughts constantly.
Last edited by Farmer; 05-18-2008 at 12:03 PM.
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This morning starts my 33rd day of sobriety. I have honored my celibacy contract and that makes me feel good. My celibacy contract:
No masturbation for 60 days (changed from 30 days at day 30) And no masturbation until I have recovery plan in placeNo porn forever (I simplified this statement)
Yesterday I was able to replace some of my obsessive P & M thinking with thoughts of my addiction recovery. I also had a Chiropractor’s appointment and was being treated by the substitute doctor - Dr A. This Dr. happens to be a beautiful lady doctor and I was able to stay in the present and I was able to keep clean thoughts. (Pat on the back)
My thoughts of P have weakened, I occasionally think of my last site that I frequented but all the other sites and my downloads are getting fuzzier each day.
When I decided to quit I had over 75,000 downloads of P. I made the decision to do a “slow taper” instead of simply deleting the all at once. I turned the thumbnail feature off and each day I would delete 3 or 4 thousand files without peeking at the others. Around day 20 I was down to 1 folder labeled “My Top Ten”. This folder really contained about 500 files. There was a lot of tension in my stomach and my shoulders when I hit the delete key (I better not forget the fear I had either), but when the files were finally gone so was the fear. In my past attempts to quit P, I would delete everything all at once and I remember being thrown into depression doing it this way. I did avoid the depression this time.
I also use affirmations a lot and when I realized my addictions caused the problems in my last marriage that I previously blamed my ex-wife for, I wrote this and repeat it frequently.
“Even though I have hated Nancy and have held a grudge against her for over a decade, I now realize that it was my fault. My addiction to P, my addiction to M caused the problems that I blamed her for. I deeply and profoundly apologize. Nancy, I am very sorry,”
I posted this for me and I will continue to recite it until I can say it without emotion and no longer feel the rage I have held for 10 years. Wow, as I re-read this I actually had a friggn’ tear in my eye. I know it is working.
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This morning I had to get out of bed 1.5 hours early, get dressed and go for a walk. The morning hours are when I would typically act out and it was like I had forgotten I am even in recovery. I was ready to act out before my feet hit the floor. When I returned from my 45 minute walk, I cleaned up and got dressed with nowhere to go for about 3 hours.
It started yesterday by being a mostly sunny day near 80 degrees. This was after a weekend of rain and the ladies were out and wearing their summer outfits. I did not fall for my triggers and I did not stare. But they were in my head anyway. When I got home I found myself negotiating, having an internal debate about viewing P. I won the debate and did not fall for this internal con job. One of my triggers is lady golfers either real life or on TV. Well Annika retired (Champion lady golfer for those who don’t know) and they were showing clips and interviews and here I go again thinking just one or two pics would be okay. Well, I made it into the evening, watched TV and went to bed happy that I had made it through a difficult day.
While out for today’s walk the only thing I could figure was yesterday’s triggers had built up and I was too happy. Being too happy is a trigger for me. While out I remembered how easily I slipped in the past with just one trigger getting the best of me. There, I have released a lot of anger by writing and I am thinking of other things. I have also been reminded not to get overly smug about being clean for over 30 days.
My celibacy contract is “no porn ever” and for me failure is not an option.
I will now spend some time with my affirmations:
“Even though I desire to view P, I deeply and profoundly accept myself.”
“Even though until now I have desired to view P, I now feel safe, peaceful, happy and free without it.”
“I choose to be free from this desire to view P.”
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Great work Farmer, you've fought against your temptations admirably! Its impressive how you are recognising your triggers and taking action to prevent acting out.
Keep it up, best of luck,
Ben
"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." - Sir Winston Churchill
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I have noticed a serious change taking place as I have been MB and P free for 36 days. My old porn collection and the images in it are a fuzzy memory. But, I have been accidentally replacing P with images from TV, TV commercials and TV Guide. This started gradually from as early as week one, and while it was unknown to me, it has been silently escalating ever since. I had to tear the cover off 3 of the last 4 issues of TV Guide and throw them away. I didn’t think much of that then; I just thought I was just removing the temptation. Over the last couple of days I have become aware that I have been “hard staring” at some of the commercials and characters on TV. I have been working very hard not to stare in real life and now it appears I am replacing that urge with TV images. This is one sneaky pair of addictions I have. Based on my past failures I now know that I am doomed unless I make some changes. I have already handled the TV Guide; I now only read the schedule grid. I am going to watch only shows that I record and fast forward the commercials and if I struggle any more I’ll just stop watching period.
Yesterday, I left my house very early and skipped one day of updating my journal. I went to play golf and every now and then while golfing I would have thoughts about viewing P. The previous evening I also had these same cravings. My last journal update talks about my having to leave the house to fight urges. I have been viewing P without even knowing it or at least manufacturing it in my head by turning decent images into P. I am sure that extending my Celibacy Contract from 30 to 60 days of no MB saved me. That was my lifeline. Also, my journal by reminding me of having to leave the house shows the value of writing each day.
I haven’t forgotten about writing my recovery plan, my sobriety plan and my history. I have been putting thoughts on 3 x 5 cards as things come to mind. This exercise has been helpful as well in keeping me straight.
I am still addicted to P. I am still addicted to MB. I am still 36 days clean.
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Farmer's Journal -
05-11-2008, 01:57 PM
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