Long walk to freedom - Vorlan (Ben)'s Recovery Journal -
04-22-2008, 04:43 PM
OK this is the first time really that I've ever sat down and detailed my experience with PA.
I first MB when I was 14 or 15 in fact it may have been even younger. At the time I hadn't a clue what I'd done. It started with simply imagining sexual scenes to get release and eventually it progressed to downloading P off the internet. Soon I began to realise that I didn't like what I was doing. I found out that I was MB from a book and told myself that now I knew the name I knew it was wrong and I would stop. I didn't stop. The night was when I had my problems. At the time I was drifting increasingly towards depression (which may sound an extreme word to describe a 14 year old but it was accurate) I was in an unhappy situation and only had a few friends. Well instead of stopping I continued, I soon found that MB while using the internet was easier and more effective. I also realised that I needed to stop MB at night. (it was becoming every night) It wasn't long before I was addicted to P. Imagingings were no longer enough it had to be P. I didn't find it too hard to find P even while I was young. I started off with Softcore stuff and soon moved on to more extreme types of P. About 15 or 16 now I despaired with my addiction and I started self harming after MB. Needless to say it never helped. I now had got into another bad habit on top of PA. I would weaken, watch P, MB, get angry, self harm, swear I would never do it again and repeat the pattern. I couldn't go on like it. At about this time I began to become intrested in a girl in the year below me at school. I didn't have the guts to say anything to her yet but she became a reason for me to fight my addiction. A goal if you like, I felt I had to prove myself worthy of her by stopping both MB and self harming. Around the same time I started believing in Paganism. I liked Paganism because it was non-dogmatic. (I was effectively an ecclectic, atheist Wiccan if anyone is interested) This new faith coupled with my new goal meant that I had new weapons to fight my addiction with. I stopped self harming and instead after MB I tried new ways of ensuring it didn't happen again. I tried "cleansing" myself by immersing myself in cold water three times, I tried eating extra-hot chili powder to try to associate the pain with MB and P. I also worked to try to fight my demons on a spiritual level. I meditated twice daily and worked on controlling my mind and driving back the P images that formed there too easily. Some of these things certainly didn't work for example the chili was a waste of time but the "cleansing" and the meditation were really helpful. I started getting more and more spiritual and celebrated the full moon and Pagan festivals and for the first time I started to slowly break free of the cycle of PA and MB. I managed to go weeks then months without it. Actually talking to and trying to win the girl I mentioned earlier helped a lot too. I saw MB as betrayal of her and that helped me fight it. Things with me and the girl never worked out but it was very useful to have her in my mind as I stopped. After fighting with PA for another few years I finally managed to stay totally sober (if thats the word) for over half a year. During that time I lost most of my faith in Paganism and became effectively fully atheist again. But at the time it didn't seem to matter I enjoyed my life more and more, my depression lifted and I felt incredible. For a long time I kept it up and my cravings subsided till they were normaly totally inconsequential. Unforturnately a few months ago I gave in to a craving and MB once. Sadly I failed to realise the danger in this single occurance and dismissed it. Soon once became twice which became many times and I slipped back into the habit. I am once again fighting PA but this time I havn't got the conveniant romantic interest nor the faith that helped me last time and I am therefore fighting with willpower alone. It will be difficult but I know I have beaten PA before and I will do it again. I am currently composing a song about PA and its been really helpful. Its not anything special but its helping me to channel my energy to something positive. Its like a way to challenge PA. When I've finished refining it I will post the lyrics on here so that others can read it and I will work on recording it. I found this site a few days ago and already I feel better for it thankyou for the support friends and I hope together we can beat PA.
Thank you for reading I apologise if I went into too much detail but you never know what helps.
Good luck all!
Ben
Last edited by Vorlan; 04-22-2008 at 05:10 PM.
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On Faith -
04-22-2008, 09:58 PM
I realize that this isn't a religious forum, and I don't want to say anything that could be interpreted as offensive to someone with different beliefs than I have. But, I think it's important that you find something to believe in. It seems like one of the things that helped you find the most strength was your active participation in Paganism. If you've decided that you don't believe in that anymore, that's fine, but I would personally encourage you to find something else that you can put faith in. I only say this because I believe that without my faith in God, or, more generally, something larger and outside of my self, I wouldn't be able to fight P. As it is, I can trust in that higher power, and it lifts some of the burden off of my shoulders. I have to do my best, but I also believe that when I'm trying my hardest, I'll get help from what I put my faith in.
I also wanted to say that it sounds like you have an incredible amount of will-power. I can relate really well to a lot of the experiences you related, and I know that with support (of this forum, for instance), you'll be able to overcome this terrible addiction. I say this a lot, but it never stops being true--we're all pulling for each other. We're all dealing with this together, and there is strength in numbers. Good luck, Vorlan. And good job.
AE
The Following User Says Thank You to AnxiouslyEngaged For This Useful Post:
Thanks for the encouragement AnxiouslyEngaged. Don't worry about offending me you'd find it hard to on religion anyway. I don't think I could really get heavily into religion again to be honest. I still have a pretty Pagan view of things in many ways though I no longer practice. I tend to look at religion in a relativly neutral light. I've read the Bible, at least parts of it but I've never found it particularly helpful. (No offence meant to Christians) There are definately some very good things in all religions but these days I tend to believe in life, if that makes sense. That coupled with a belief in myself helps me fight MB and P. Its kind of like spiritual optimism. You're right there is strength in numbers and if we all pull together as one we can defeat P.
Best wishes for all working to overcome PA. We'll beat it together.
Thanks again for the support, Ben
The Following User Says Thank You to Vorlan For This Useful Post:
After reading your post, I feel confident that you are going to quit P now.
Things change, people change, and you are some vital years older now. The best you can do is to kick the habit without any help from romance or new-found belief. Being p-free is about being a whole person, without having to lie about yourself or to yourself.
You certainly have had your tough time in your youth. I hope you don't have to live through any more depressions or other mental hardship. you seem a very healthy person, and my guess is that as you are grow older, you will feel more and more confident. By taking the P.issue so seriously at your age is magnificent. I wish I had too.
welcome to the site. There is help to be found and given!
E.
The Following User Says Thank You to Nordman For This Useful Post:
Well it's been four days since I joined TTF and quit P again. It's not been easy but it confirmed my belief that the worst of my PA is long over. Since I relapsed into PA again a few months ago I never got to the absolute hell that was my origional addiction. I feel sort of like I have already defeated my addiction in main and now I just need to be vigilant and keep it up. There will be times when I will be strongly tempted but I still remember what it was like to be P free and that helps me keep going. To be honest I have hardly had time for P or MB anyway as I have exams coming up in a few weeks and I am too busy worrying about them to be too tempted by P. But I know that after that my temptations will return like they always do and I will need to be vigilant. But I'm still positive and I havn't relapsed. I hope everyone else is also doing well and beating PA.
Well for its been 12 days. I wish I could say that I'm still going stong but I relapsed today...I guess half the problem was the I was too confident that I didn't realise how strong a grip PA still has on me...Well trying to look on the positive side I'm going to detail some things which trigger P and MB use and some ways I've found to deal with PA. I hope this is useful to people:
Triggers:
Boredom - A key one, this used to be my worst
Sugar - Personally I've found high sugar levels make P more difficult to resist
Depression
Romantic Failure
Fights with friends
Anger with self or others
Coping strategies:
Folk music (Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Pete Seeger, Arlo Guthrie) - I find this really helps me to realise P and MB is wrong so I can avoid it.
I hate having to write this but it probably does me good to confess. I'm fighting now to stop this from becoming a habit again. I must admit my morale is at very low level right now so any words of support would be welcomed. Its particularly annoying since I ought to be revising right now.
Well I guess we're all in this together I hope everyone is still fighting.
Long walk to freedom - Vorlan (Ben)'s Recovery Journal -
04-22-2008, 04:43 PM
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