No_Excuses' Journal

[no_excuses]

So I'm quite possibly starting a journal with the apostrophe in the title incorrectly placed, but we have much bigger issues to deal with here than punctuation.

Actually, that made me smile, which is good, because the defining emotion of the day for me has been depression. Lately I haven't gone more than a few minutes without thinking about this battle and its importance. The other night I went to sleep feeling, for the first time since childhood, that it would be OK for me to look God in the face. But in the last 24 hours I've become more and more aware of the damage I've done to myself and others, and it depresses me. I've come to realize for the first time that the emotional aloneness I felt as a boy was not normal or good. I was not abused. I was not neglected. Let's just say everyone did what they could, but I felt from a young age that it was just safest and wisest for me to be emotionally independent. If anyone came inside, that came with expectations rigidly insisted upon, and if those expectations weren't met, there would be an argument or you had to leave. But most of the time, I just didn't expect much from people and didn't ask much. Not much surprise that sexuality then became something that could be distant - curious, fun, pleasurable, occasionally intimate, but just as easily a plaything. In an imperfect world, you use things for the good they can supply, then discard them and move on, right? That's dangerous thinking on a subtle level. I became a user. A user of P in place of intimacy. And eventually a user of casual dating. I had no anger toward women, no ill will at all, I just simply didn't expect much from the girls I dated except a few laughs and sx. I would think little of charming them, getting what I wanted, and then fading away.

All of this is now being reviewed by me in a whole new light. And it's depressing. I recall a friend years ago telling me that I was hurting my soul and it would eventually catch up with me. I considered him overly religious, and myself a pragmatic guy. He was right, I was wrong. I'm now married to a wonderful woman with a wonderful family. I love my family, but I can't help but wonder what I'd be like if I had grown up in hers, so close and affectionate. She does not know about my PA. But perhaps it is her goodness rubbing off on me that has contributed to me finally raising my standards, calling a spade a spade, and saying that this bs I've been doing on the side is just not OK. I've tried to quit dozens of times, and thought I was real strong there a few times, but it never lasted more than two weeks. Weakness always had a way of out-wrestling me, leading to horrible self-hate. But no more. My dedication is stronger, my sense of purpose is clearer, my techniques are smarter, and my practice is daily. I will win.

But today, I'm depressed. Yesterday I read the thread These Women Hate You - These Women Hate You-Part 1 - and it made me realize that even though I wasn't buying P (instead viewing free things online), I'm still contributing to the page count and supporting these awful, horrible sites. I'm doing more damage to those suffering people - women AND men (those men will suffer too, they just may not know it yet). I'm a class A hypocrite and jerk (I'm self-editing harsher language here). And I kept myself for TWENTY YEARS from fully being the man I was supposed to be. I wasn't an all-bad man, I did a lot of good and was square to anyone I met face-to-face, but the duplicity is the full reality, and I have certainly stunted myself.

And so I'm depressed, which is unexpected. I guess I expected the high of the first day clean to last forever. Nope. I'm merely waking up from the war and surveying the damage, and realizing rebuilding is going to take a long, long time. There are parts of me I need to work on that I'm sure I'm not even aware of yet. That's OK. One good thing about growing up independent - work doesn't scare you. So while I'm depressed, it's not a hopeless depression, it's not a depression that makes me want to hide in P. It's an honest, natural depression. If anyone else has gone through that, I'd like to hear about it.

I'm so glad I found this community. Unfortunately, I think there are hundreds of thousands of others out there who need it as much as I do, but will never even try to find their way here. May God have mercy on us all, and may I have the strength to be the man He intended me to be.

[JenMac]

Hey No_Excuses!
You are waking up. You are 'getting it'. That is a good thing. If you weren't depressed and sorry I would be worried about you. The fact that you are depressed and that you are starting to recognize the industry that you have been supporting for what it is, speaks volumes to me. It is what is necessary to move you forward to a better place and have it last.
NoE, whenever we step beyond what our moral or ethical standards are, usually warning bells go off. If we ignore those warning bells, we can find ourselves being led further along a path of destruction, and that destruction is taking place inside of ourselves. So it stands to reason that once you wake up from that delusion you are going to experience some troubling self reflection. I think it is very necessary to go to that in order to understand and move forward in your recovery. You realizing this means that you are further along than so many others.
I enjoy your posts NoE. You have a lot of wise things to say. You are looking within to assist your recovery and by being so open and forthright you will be helping others as well. The beauty of TTF NoE! Awesome, isn't it?
All the best!
Jenn

[no_excuses]

That is the beauty of TTF, and it is indeed awesome and so important. Half coincidentally, half pushed by me, I was able to talk with family members yesterday about some childhood issues for all of us and learn more about where others in my family were coming from. It's sad that some bad cycles weren't stopped earlier in the generations. I didn't pass on bad family dynamics to the younger generation in my family, I've always been consciously very patient and loving with them. I internalized my negative feelings and went down a bad path privately. But now I'm fixing that too, which is obviously why I'm here.

I was also able to have a great conversation with my wife about my dating history, giving her more details and with more insight on my part about why I did what I did, and without putting a defensive spin on things but rather calling a spade a spade. She took it really well. We've grown together to a point where she can hear that now, whereas a few years ago it would have really upset her. I still have not told her about PA, and do not intend to do that, because it would hurt her needlessly. If I was able to keep P use from her for years, surely I can privately use TTF without her finding out, and that is the only thing linking me to P. I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out of it. And I have friends I can turn to as well for support.

[JenMac]

I still have not told her about PA, and do not intend to do that, because it would hurt her needlessly. If I was able to keep P use from her for years, surely I can privately use TTF without her finding out, and that is the only thing linking me to P. I got myself into this mess, I'll get myself out of it.

Hey NoE!
I think it is a very good sign that you are here of your own accord. It shows even further that you are doing this for all the right reasons. I am always impressed by those who turn up here without being introduced here upon discovery of this in their lives. It shows an intention at the outset.
It is obviously and rightfully your decision entirely whether to share this with your wife. Noone should tell you what to do in that regard. However, I would like to add one caution. There is an opportunity at this time to be forthright and honest with your wife. If you decide not to tell her, and she somehow discovers this on her own, you will have lost that opportunity for good. The fact that you are seeking to rid this from your life lends itself to a positive in your case, one that many others did not have. I understand that you have made up your mind at this point but I encourage you to give some consideration to this going forward. I understand that you do not want to cause needless hurt. I guess what I question is whether true recovery can happen without honesty? Hope that makes sense NoE.
All the best!
Jenn

[no_excuses]

I hear your point, Jen, and appreciate where you're coming from. In my case, I do believe true recovery can happen without me telling my wife of the problem. I wouldn't phrase it as a choice between true recovery and honesty. Withholding painful information for a righteous reason is not an ideal situation certainly, but is not negative dishonesty either. In my case, it's not the perfect solution, but it is the best one for now.

Side note, just added K-9 filter to my computer, mainly to block unexpected triggers while I'm working or using the computer for normal reasons.

Also, forgot to mention this earlier, but I'm getting unintended benefits from a medication I'm on. My doc prescribed Flomax for an issue I have. A side effect I read about after I started taking it is that it dulls the libido. Indeed I've felt my libido drop about 25% or so, with a definite dull feeling in regard to desire. When my prescription ran out for a few days, my libido returned to the usual more electric, powerful feeling. I think this prescription is extremely well timed!!

[2frustrated]

Of course you felt depression. You've been like a vigilante out on a rampage for the past two decades, and now you've suddenly stopped. Initially you got a high from stopping, but now you have to deal with the aftermath: all of the destruction and carnage that you have left in your wake. Continuing the metaphor, as the waste you've left behind begins to decay, it will serve as a fertile ground for the newer, happier you to grow.

It's also a possibility that the medication might be affecting your mood.

Welcome to TTF, and keep up the fight. Persistence is key!

[no_excuses]

Persistence is indeed key. I'm thinking about also writing out some kind of credo, something short and to the point that I can recite like a mantra or prayer daily to remind myself of the key points in this struggle. Complacency has been a downfall in the past, and it starts with forgetting exactly who I am or how important the fight is. The most dangerous thought that can slip into our minds is, "Well, wait, maybe I've gone too far in my recovery efforts, and perhaps I need to loosen the reins a little. Surely this little photo here or movie here isn't a threat to me." I relax, my guard comes down, and I might as well set a place at the dinner table for the devil. I'll work out that credo over the next few days.

I was at the mall today. Minor triggers everywhere in the advertising. Didn't even think about that, but I'll try to stay away from there. I'm OK though.

[Mac]

Hey There No Exuses
Welcome to TTF,
You talk about writing up some kind of credo. Well, whatever does it for you.
Having something in place to drive you through the tough times is an absolute neccessity.
Cover your basis and always be vigilant with whatever keeps you clean.
K-9 is great idea. Kudo's to you for that my friend.

Good luck in your journey

Mac

[no_excuses]

Yesterday I saw some minor triggers on TV. Plus it's been almost a week since I declared my independence, so the high is wearing off and complacency is handing me a beer and telling me I should just relax. I caught myself drifting into semi-sexual thoughts for about 10 seconds before I stopped myself. In the whole last week I don't think the bad thoughts have gotten further than 3 seconds before I zapped them. This 10-second breach worried me a bit, but then I realized that this was just another stage in recovery, so let's take some deep breaths, empty the mind, and analyze this to see what's going on. After doing so, I came to a few conclusions.

1. In the long term, negative reinforcement is not as strong as positive reinforcement for me. Initially, a big push to go clean was the horrible thought of being disgraced in front of my family. Equally as strong was the positive reinforcement of wanting to be someone who enjoys integrity every day. A week later, that fear of disgrace is fading, it's hard to emotionally hang on to day to day. However, the enjoyment of being an honest person who is on the right path is still strong. There is a real pleasure in that, a true sense of being right where I should be and on the right road.

2. My second realization was that the "road" I just mentioned is extremely narrow. It reminds me of a quote (Buddhist I think) from the novel The Razor's Edge - "The path to salvation is narrow and difficult to travel, like the edge of a razor." And the road/path is not our ACTIONS, but rather our THOUGHTS. Anyone who thinks they can beat this thing by controlling their actions only while letting their thoughts run wild will find defeat within days. Like a Buddhist or Taoist trainee, I must constantly (and I mean constantly) watch my thoughts, and when they stray, guide them back. That's why I was initially ambivalent on getting internet watchdog software, because if I'm at the point where I'm actively looking for P, software is a very limited last line of defense - basically the battle is lost for that day, because if I can't go around it, I can always go to the DVD store. I do think the software will be good though at blocking unintentional triggers as I'm doing my daily work. But the point is, the real battle is always in the mind, watching our thoughts. I've also found that this goes beyond just sx thoughts. If I am to be the person I'm meant to be, I also have to stop obsessing about work. I have to stop having imaginary arguments in my head with the difficult people in my life. I have to constantly bring myself back to the present, and let that present be empty yet full of positive potential, which is a very Taoist aim. It is indeed a narrow target, but practice makes our aim perfect.

3. I realized that pleasure is in the present for just a moment, then is forever in the past. Regret is also in the present for a moment, but then is forever in our future. So when choosing between them, it should be a no-brainer. Integrity exists in the present only. And while we cannot choose which things please us or cause us to feel regret, we can choose our actions, and in this way choose integrity over and over in every single moment of our lives.

4. Almost forgot to add this one. This forum has been huge for me over the last week. Not just in connecting with the stories of others, but also in helping me organize my thoughts. As I think constantly about my addiction and recovery, I find myself composing my thoughts in the form of a post for this forum! Writing helps me organize my thoughts, and that has back-tracked its way into the initial stages of my thought process. I didn't start a journal right away, and in fact when I first joined the forum I didn't think I would. But I've found it to be a great tool in many ways, and I recommend it to others.

[no_excuses]

Figured out my credo. Should be my signature now.