No_Excuses' Journal

[no_excuses]

Last night was probably my roughest night since going clean. Was watching a movie last night on broadcast TV from the '80s with an actress I always found very attractive, which became a fairly strong trigger for me. Just had to ride it out, and I'm feeling better today. Glad to not be alone at all today, just as a safety net. I wasn't sure what else to write, then I saw something in Teemo's journal - Teemo's Journal - that nailed the thoughts in my head, so I'm unabashedly plagiarizing Teemo here (thanks, bud!):

"I found my plan, and I worked it. I am sticking with it. I know I have to keep that plan front and center in my life. I am an addict. I wish I wasn't, but I am. My freedom depends on my constant awareness that I am an addict, and that I am vulnerable. Sexual addiction is lifelong. I must never think it is something in my past that I have overcome. It is a part of me, and I will succumb to it if I forget its power over me."

That is so dead-on correct. It feels good to be back on this site after a few days being busy. It definitely helps ground me. I can't believe it's been less than 2 weeks since I started this!! Holy crap, it feels like months of work!

[no_excuses]

Tonight marks 2 weeks clean. That's as long as I remember being being clean in 15 years, though I matched this length in December. Time to exceed it and go on and on. Not always easy, triggers come up here and there (the movie my wife and I watched tonight had nudity), but what saves me is regular work: coming here to read and post, thinking daily about the very real stakes involved, how there's no room for error without falling off a cliff, and then it's just clearing the mind as often as necessary. Tired tonight so I'll keep it short.

[BestShot]

Hi No-Excuses,

I am glad you wrote in your journal. I believe I am on day 19 now. This morning was close to a failure for me. I was very close to clicking my was to disaster. BUT, somehow, I managed to move away from that idea and am now writing to you. I know, now, that I will make it through today. I also know what you mean about how "2 weeks" can seem like a month of work. It's amazing bro! Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for writing. Your entry literally saved me from catastrophe!!!!!

Yours in the bond of healing,

BestShot

[fightingdefeat]

Hey no-excuses! Good to hear that you are doing well. I love what you said, "...thinking daily about the very real stakes involved, how there's no room for error without falling off a cliff, and then it's just clearing the mind as often as necessary". We are truly dealing with very real stakes. No matter how we twist or turn it, our PA is not just virtual, it affects us in the real life in more ways than we'd like to admit... Thanks for the encouraging words! Stay strong bro!

[no_excuses]

Much thanks to BestShot and fightingdefeat for your support, it always feels good to hear from others in the struggle. Indeed, BestShot, we all come close to failure sometimes, but as fightingdefeat's motto points out, failure just isn't an option. That's where I fell many times in the past, negotiating with myself to allow a little peek at this or that/ But it's so clear in my mind now through experience that the slightest surrender will quickly and inevitably lead to complete surrender.

I'd be interested in learning what biochemical changes take place in a man's body as he practices celibacy for awhile. I definitely feel changes, some good, some bad. It feels like a build-up of testosterone that can lead to thoughts of aggressiveness - I catch myself daydreaming of encountering muggers and such and getting into fights, which leaves me stressed out. On the good side, I feel the opposite of that drained feeling you get after frequent sex; in other words, there's also a build-up of a type of power or energy. It's not stable though and can be quite distracting. So now I'm not only constantly watching my thoughts, it seems I have to also constantly regulate my... bio-energy? I don't even know what to call it. Whole new worlds here.

[BestShot]

Very interesting stuff. You mentioned that tired feeling you get from frequent sex. For me, I never MB to the "P"....at least I would never allow myself to reach "o". For me, the "p" was more of an enhancement to get my libido "UP". So, we are coming at it from different perspectives BUT I guarantee that you will def. have more testosterone flowing and more energy. Sex is drains your resources for sure :) So, welcome to the new world!

I am still going strong today but the urges are there. I hate them :)

[no_excuses]

Been a few days since I posted, been busy with work. Feeling good today. Already posted on a few threads, so most of my thoughts have been released into the digital ether. But one new discovery is that it feels really good to get away from porn imagery in my mind and focus on my wife. There's no mental schism there anymore, I'm focused on her without distracting images or thoughts, and it makes our love life much better. Until I came to this forum, I had actually never read that porn use can lead to erectile dysfunction when with a real woman. I think it's true. Perhaps we train our brains so much to be voyeurs responding to images on a computer that we then have a hard time responding to real intimacy. It's hard to appreciate what you have when you're searching through the tens of thousands of women online. Everything changes though when you start to see the women as people who are either misguided, economically desperate, abused, or shallow - and inevitably humiliated. Not quite as sexy then.

Living in reality is better, I like reality.

[fightingdefeat]

I'd be interested in learning what biochemical changes take place in a man's body as he practices celibacy for awhile. I definitely feel changes, some good, some bad. It feels like a build-up of testosterone that can lead to thoughts of aggressiveness - I catch myself daydreaming of encountering muggers and such and getting into fights, which leaves me stressed out. On the good side, I feel the opposite of that drained feeling you get after frequent sex; in other words, there's also a build-up of a type of power or energy. It's not stable though and can be quite distracting. So now I'm not only constantly watching my thoughts, it seems I have to also constantly regulate my... bio-energy? I don't even know what to call it. Whole new worlds here.

Well, I am abstaining from MB and I am single, so what are the chemical things happening in my brain? Well, although I haven't be going that long, I have already noticed that I have more energy. I wouldn't say that I am tending to more thoughts of aggression or anything like that. Sometimes I think it makes me really really want to MB again, but most of the time it has been helpful. I think on a chemical level (from what I know... or think I know :P) what's happening is your body -- which gets an absolutely huge rush of chemicals when fantasizing and through O -- has to learn to get those feelings and chemicals from other sources. I've heard it said (not sure if it's true) that the chemicals released in O make you feel just as "high" as cocaine or other highly addictive drugs.

So your body when you aren't MB will go through withdrawals over not getting those feel-good chemicals. I think I felt that in that I really felt down the past two weeks... starting to feel better as I am starting to find pleasure in other things / working out more.

The good things I notice is the lack of the cyclical nature of MB... I don't feel like I feel the day after MB which is basically, "I want to do that again. I want to feel that good feeling again." I also don't feel as much pressure to go back to P because MB/P are very much intertwined for me, unfortunately.

There's a website out there called "Your Brain on Porn" I found it through TTF and it has a lot of interesting information on the chemical affects of P. They say that for some completely abstaining from PMO is necessary for the rebooting process. Hope something there makes sense haha! :) Stay strong man.

[no_excuses]

It's been a very busy week, which has kept me from posting. I think about addiction daily, but the amount of time spent on my daily focusing and reading here has diminished as my workload has increased (and my stress level with it). I had a slip earlier this week, I'm sad to say - I watched a movie and found the actress very captivating and had never seen her before. I googled her to see who she was, and of course in the top ten google results was a clip of a nude scene she'd been in. In my worst moment of weakness since going clean, I clicked on the link and watched the scene. I did not touch myself and I turned off my computer immediately after, yet I knew I'd crossed a line and I felt bad. In fact one of my first thoughts was, "Damn, now I have to confess this on TTF and be embarrassed!" So yes, I slipped, and I feel shame for it. I felt a good deal of fear that night as well, because in the past a minor slip like that was a death knell, and within a day or two I'd be back searching for porn. But I stood my ground there, chastised myself, took a good look at what was really going on, and got back on track. That was several days ago now and I haven't had any other screw-ups. Which is good, because just that little event really brought up some old emotions and reminded how strong the pull of addiction is - it is not something to be trifled with or underestimated in any way. It has been over three weeks now since I've viewed porn (with an asterisk for viewing that one clip from a Hollywood movie.) This is my longest streak without P or M that I can remember in adulthood. It's not an easy choice, but really it's the only choice.

[fightingdefeat]

Hey man! Proud of you for confessing here and being honest. It's important and ultimately, if we fail to, we are only hurting ourselves and are giving into deception and lies which PA flourishes in. I'm so glad to hear that you're picking yourself up again and continuing on this path despite the hiccup. It took a lot of will power not to continue down the path of P after viewing a clip like that (despite that being a blunder in itself) so my hat is off to you. Take the experience for what it was, do not deceive yourself, and keep learning from mistakes and victories.

You are so right, it isn't an easy choice, but it is the only choice. I love that. Sums our battle up so succinctly. Stay hopeful and keep pressing forward! :)