MAB's Journal

[MAB]

Today marks my first posting to TTF and also my 74th day P-Free. There have been maybe 3 relapses before, and this one was understandably the most painful for my wife - and me too. The journey has mostly been a lot of hurt for my partner and our relationship. And it has broken me in many small ways. Ways that at times have felt like a losing of myself - my power - my strength. I have felt anger and resentment at my wife. I have been slow to gain a real understanding of her experience with this in a compassionate way. Slow to 'get' that her hurt/anger and all the other pieces are a normal byproduct of my actions, and slow to empathize with her. I'm still not all the way there. This journey has included so many types of hurt: My wife expressing anger, making demands, and as a result me lashing back in shitty ways. My wife just sinking into total despair and sadness. A wedge of hurt has at times pushed her away from me emotionally, physically, se-ually. I have struggled, alone, in my own quiet world of knotted up and confusing hurt, despair, and sadness - largely unaware that it was even there never mind untangling what it is all about. I have recently realized that loneliness and sadness have been ever-present under a facade of anger - and this has been powerful and enlightening for me. I have come to know vulnerability and sadness - feelings I've been good at stuffing inside. This has broken me in ways that I initially resisted, but now relax into. I have come to see that I needed some breaking. Some breaking from my rigid thinking, from a gripping necessary self-control over my every decision and action. I needed some breaking in order to really see what was going on for my wife. I needed some breaking to be able to accept and welcome the feelings of discomfort that I must face. And I must face them. The aftermath is not comfortable. The owning of my own addiction is not comfortable. Looking at an imperfect self is not comfortable. The battle to prevent relapse is not comfortable.

I initially thought that preventing relapse was all that is necessary. Recovery for me and my family = preventing relapse. Right? I have been keeping a journal, and write in it every day. I go to counseling every other week. So I'm doing my part right? The rest is on you SO, so time to get over it and move on. right? Well, I've come to discover that although it certainly is a critically important piece, there are a LOT of pieces involved in this journey and relapse prevention, for me, has been one of the easier pieces to address. Far and away, the most difficult piece thus far has been owning and coping with the aftermath of my actions. The understanding and empathy and progress in this area is coming to me more now than is has earlier on, but it comes slowly and ebbs back and forth. I know that the members of TTF are a large part of my understanding and growth in this area. The words and honesty of RainingOnTheInside, my wife, and all the responses from JenMac, Mac, Disillusioned, waterlilly327, StillInLove, and all the others who have lovingly posted to her SO journal have really helped me see beyond my clouded, defensive, and unknowing perspective as the PA.

So my journey continues. I'm 74 days strong, and feeling strong too. But I face what will be the most difficult challenge for me in my relapse prevention: a 2-week work trip, alone, lonely, with a computer and the internet and nobody around. I am 100% confident in my success. I will not fail. But I fear the difficulty, the discomfort, and frankly, I do not want to experience the temptation. So 'm developing a relapse prevention plan, which I think I'll actually share with TTF when I draft it up - maybe that will be my next journal post. Well, around the idea of relapse prevention I have a question that I am going to post right now to the "General" forum titled "Relapse: What happens just before IT happens?" It is a question that I have not been able to clearly answer for myself unfortunately but I think could be an important area to understand - specifically to aid relapse prevention. Goodness, this was much longer than I thought it would be. If you’re still reading thank you, it feels nurturing to be heard.

[JenMac]

Wow MAB! So nice to hear from you!
Learning happens on ever deepening levels MAB. It does not happen all at once. It happens in a continuous ever deepening way. Maybe that is so that you can handle all that you are learning?
I am so happy to hear of your success with staying away from P, but as you know that is only the first step to recovery. Seems to me that you are on your way to the rest based on what you are writing. It is so uncomfortable for each of us to talk about the affects of this on ourselves, on our marriages. It is a real test of our strength to do what is necessary to get ourselves through it in one piece. But once we can set a little of the anger aside and deal with the reality of the damage it is doing, we are in a much better place to do what is necessary to move forward. It seems to me you are there MAB. Congratulations for hearing and understanding the hurt and trauma your wife is experiencing. I know it is hard, tremendously hard, to be in your place. I know it seems sad that it sometimes takes the verification of others to get through to our guys what we are really experiencing, but if that is what helps then I am glad we are here to do just that. I know for mac and I it was the very same way.
MAB, It is scary/worrisome in the beginning when we are not together to deal with this. I know it was hard for me to have mac away during this stressful time. But if you make a plan to stay close emotionally with your wife during this time, it will help. It will also help to set the guidelines that are necessary to show the committment you are wanting to show. Communication around all of this will assist both of you in getting through this time. Visit here! Post and make time for reading. Take time to connect with yourself during this time! Deep thinking about your situation and what your intentions are. Where you have been and where you are wanting to be. Gratitude for all you have. Lots of opportunities while away to further your recovery MAB. Take advantage of that time to do just that.
So glad you are here!
And so glad that you are headed in a good direction! The lessons can be harsh, but there is so much to be gained from this journey! :)
All the best!
Jenn

[Mac]

Hey There MAB
Glad to see you here posting. Great post by the way.
It is a tough road for us to be able to take ownership our past activities and it just takes time as long as we are willing to go to the tough places we need to.
Traveling during this time could be a real issue but it doesn't have to be. I travel a fair amount and what i did was take the time away to really dig into my recovery. I used long drives to really think about where I was and the path i wanted to take. Kind of used the time to plan my course of action. I used the time to reflect and think long and hard about myself.
You are alone in a hotel room with your computer. I would suggest installing a blocker ( K9) on your computer with your wife having the password and then spend all the time you can putting that computer to good use. You could literally spend weeks just reading recovery journals here at TTF.
I guess what I'm saying is, plan to make good use of your time while alone to dedicate to just you and your recovery.
Also stay very connected with Raining and be sure to communicate daily. Jenn and i used to meet here on TTF and chat, still do actually. Sometimes we would even chat as a couple with with other people while i was away. It all helps to give your SO a comfort level as well as yourself.
Wishing you the best, you will get through this and will be better for it.

all the best
Mac

[Teemo]

MAB,

It is good to have you aboard here at TTF.

You said you have learned slowly what this addiction really means to your wife; I believe that by starting this journal you are saying you want to keep learning. Others will read your words here, and will respond. Many have been in your shoes. You want this behind you. You want to climb out of the hole you have dug for yourself, and move on. And you are finding it isn't that simple. I hope TTF will be a strong support for you in all this. It is a tremendous support for me.

You wrote about coming to understand that recovery means more than just maintaining sobriety. I think that is a big step, one that we sometimes need to take over and over. We have work to do, work on ourselves. It is difficult, but others have done it. We know it is possible. You (and I) can move to a new place, free of addiction. We can regain our integrity.

One more thing. Do this for the right reason. Do this because you want to live your life in the best way you can, for you. Your marriage will benefit tremendously, but that is really secondary. You are in charge of your decisions about your life. Do this because it is the right way to go.

I'm hoping to read much more. MAB. May you have the best of everything along the way!

Teemo

[raining on the inside]

Hey MAB,

I just wanted to post on your journal and tell you how happy I am that you have started one! It really means so much to me that you have taken this step completely on your own. It is steps like this that help me to feel more positive about your committment to recovery and where our future is heading. You did a great job putting your feelings into words in your journal post, and I hope that you continue to do this. I think in the end it will help you, me, and us. There is so much support here and it is just a matter of utilizing what's out there.

I really liked Mac's idea of using your time away to throw yourself into recovery. To utilize the time reflecting, and reading recovery journals, and writing your feelings in yours. It could be a great opportunity to use this time away by yourself for something positive... instead on negatively focusing on the discomfort that you know you will experience, focus on the strength that you are pulling from inside of yourself to stay on the right track, and the support of others who are there to help you stay on the right track. Sit with the discomfort, and reflect. Learn from it, grow from it. Don't give in to it. Reach out if you need to for support. We need to stay moving in the forward direction. It is imperitive that we do.

Your loving wife,
Raining

[MAB]

Well, as promised, and long overdue, here is the relapse prevention plan I had established for my trip. I don't know to what extent 'the plan' helped and to what extent my emotional wellbeing and work schedule helped, but here was the plan, which is loosely broken into thre areas (prep, thinking, acting):

PREP THE ENVIRONMENT
1- Place my P journal next to my laptop as a symbolic reminder of my mission.
2- Place the picture of my family on my desk to remind me who I'm doing this for - everyone.
3- Keep the curtains open in my hotel room until I go to sleep - I have nothing to hide.

THINKING
1- Assess the environment. Are you sitting in front of the Internet alone in a hotel room? Is there somewhere else you could be right now?
2- Raise awareness of your mental condition. Are you sad, lonely, bored?
3- Raise awareness of your physiological condition. Are you tense, anxious, calm, relaxed?
4- Are you trying to convince yourself that something is okay to look at? Reassess what is really happening. Do you need to take preventive steps?

ACTING
1- Immediately stand up, stretch, and take a few deep slow breaths. State your affirmation "I control my actions and my actions are inline with my values. I have the strength to lead by example".
2- Look at the picture of my family and grasp my wedding band.
3- Release any built up energy
a. do 50 push-ups
b. go to the hotel gym or pool for a swim
c. go for a walk outside to check out the area
4- Refocus onto something constructive
a. write about what's going on in my journal
b. grab a hot tea and read one of my books
c. read the booklet my wife wrote for me for my birthday
d. call my wife

[raining on the inside]

Hi MAB,

I am glad that you decided to post this to you journal. I was very proud of you for coming up with this on your own, and felt really good that you had taken the time to really think about this.

As I was reading this, I just had a thought... maybe it would make sense and be helpful to adapt this prevention plan to make it applicable to your everyday life. The Thinking piece may still be the same, and some of the actions may still be the same, but prepping the environment would be different (making it fit to the places in your everyday life that are the most tempting for you). There also may be additional things in the actions piece. It may also be a good idea to include a list of known triggers (things, feelings, places, thoughts, situations, etc.), because these are the times when you need to be the most vigilant because you are the most vulnerable to relapse.

I think that doing this would be a useful exercise to get you thinking about concrete plans for your everyday life. Another tool for the toolbox. The more the better!

I also hope that you continue to write on here. You articulate yourself well in words. I think it could be beneficial for you and I know that reading what you are feeling/thinking is very helpful for me.

:)

[Mac]

Hey there MAB

I was quite impressed with your post.
You have taken the time to think through this whole thing and put a plan in place.
Just the fact that you are going through that process means you are aware of what you need to do.
I think writing it out here makes it more real and will stick in your concience just that much better.

Keep coming here with these thoughts, helps to keep you accountable to yourself and Raining.

All the best
Mac

[MAB]

Day 162.

So, I embark on a commitment to writing in my journal more often. I tend to be a bit selfish at baseline - something I'm working on - and I often have plenty of other things I'd rather be doing. And I generally find the act of posting to be cumbersome and difficult - words do not flow - I really have to exhume them from deep within my brain and make them fit on the paper (well... screen) and have them carry some sort of story or theme. I have trouble going inside - even now, after exposure to some men's work in a men's group. I'm certainly more in touch with my inner emotions and feelings than I used to be, but it's still hard nonetheless. So I think that the difficulty of accessing the feelings, challenging or processing the thoughts, and trying to UNDERSTAND what's really going on inside of me makes me avoid these sorts of things to some extent. But recently, I've really been coming to an understanding that my wife RaningOnTheInside is not just getting better. Her healing from the damage I've caused seems ot almost have taken a slide for the worse. I've had this progression of ideas about what what was needed from me in this whole fiasco.

Initially it was: Stop using P. That's it - the problem was P use - now just stop it and everything should be fine. Right? - Wrong. Yeah, that didn't cut it for too long. I knew this was an addiction before, but I didn't KNOW it. Not to the level I do now. I started to understand that it wasn't going to be an easy road. Little did I know...

Then it was: Understand that this is a more complicated matter. I clearly need to stop but it isn't 'just' that easy. I've failed before, I could fail again, I've lied before - I CANNOT lie again. I may have developed a P addiction, maybe I have the power to stop? Maybe I don't? I think I do, but either way I KNOW I have the power to be honest - 100% honest, and THAT became the focus of my healing this time around. I was fully committed to abstinence, but above all else, my focus was on being honest with my wife. I started a daily journal which I continue to share with Raining on a weekly basis. I write about any triggers that come up - any urges, and about how I'm doing in general terms. This has been the single, most helpful piece to my entire recovery. It has completely shed light to me on the whole underlying process of trigger generation and recognizing those feeling in myself. I feel that knowledge has transformed my healing this time.

Then it was: Abstinence and honesty are not enough. And this was a big 2x4 across the head. It FINALLY clicked. I FINALLY realized that I NEEDED to be compassionate and understanding for the trauma that my actions had created for my wife. I realized that the abstinence had actually become easier than I thought but that the aftermath of my actions had become so much more than I could have dreamed. Her level of pain and grieving, and anger was simply off the charts - more than I had EVER experienced. More than SHE had ever experienced. And all because of P? Really? Just P? Well I began to realize that is isn't 'just' P. I FINALLY realized just how painful this is for a partner. I realized that all of her hurts and pains were because of my actions and I started to understand all the levels of hurt and where they come from - all the ways that the P and the images and the dishonesty just destroy a partner's whole being. I realized that What I needed to do was STOP arguing with her, STOP debating little nuanced minor pieces and START understanding her pain. Start getting to what is underneath all of her hurt and anger. I realized that although I was abstinent, honest, and walking my walk, that it wasn't enough. I wasn't being what she needed me to be. I wasn't COMPASSIONATE. I was still resisting and not accepting her pain - I was pushing it away, fighting with her, arguing. I was just perpetuating more pain by not FULLY accepting her hurtful words, but pushing back. So, I realized the single-point-failure of OUR recovery, as a couple, was a lack of compassion on my part. We NEEDED to stop the arguing, stop the anger, and she wasn't stopping on her own, not by a long shot - so I needed to do something more. I needed to change pieces within myself to allow ME to change the situation, So I looked into some material on compassion and learned about a practice called tonglen which is basically a Buddhist breathing practice focused on developing compassion 'loving kindness' in their words. I've actually found it very helpful.

But things started to go even further downhill. I was doing great - I felt in an amazing place of softness and understanding. I wasn't reflecting her anger, I wasn't getting agitated, and I just received whatever she dished out. But unfortunately - and for whatever reason - she just began to get progressively more and more hurtful. Just unbearable doses of the "F you's" and the "I hate you's". Screaming. All with our daughter around - and I just took it all. Unfortunately this really had an impact on me. It really drove a wedge of distance between me and her. She had a wedge up for a while, but I always felt loving and available. Not any more, it was just too much hurt - I felt myself erecting big thick protective walls of distance and numbness all around. I broke down emotionally from her. I guess I had a taste of what it must have been like - well, IS LIKE - for her. All the hurt I've caused her has done the same within her.

Well randomly, and though my men's group, I heard about a woman's retreat happening and so I told Raining about it and wanted her to go. To my surprise she did go - and found it to be a very helpful and healing experience. But it didn't really seem to have much effect on us - and this was disappointing. I recently stopped going to my men's group so that she could start a yoga class - thinking that it would be relaxing for her, which I think it is, but still didn't seem to help her anger - nothing seemed to help... So I think that after this a light went off in my head and I came to realize that either (1) this is going to just be a long and arduous road to endure for a very long time. (2) I need to do more - somehow. (3) Or more likely both. I've been seeing a therapist bi-weekly since this started, and the other day she said that the healing process takes 2-5 years. I was dumbfounded. It seems so unbearably long. So for a variety of reasons, some of which I've articulated in here, I've recently evolved to a new place of understanding around this issue.

And my most present understanding is that: I'm still not doing enough. I'm doing all the pieces that I need - the abstinence, the daily journal, awareness of my triggers, the bi-weekly therapy. I'm doing some of what Raining needs - understanding her pain, accepting my role in causing that, trying my hardest to be compassionate and loving in the face of anger. But I still need to be doing more, because even with that present mix, it's not enough. Raining is getting worse. She is slipping into a more angry place and is ever-more debilitated by triggers of her own. So, the other night I tried to come up with some ideas of what I could do to HELP her. to show her that I want to be doing MORE:

(1) We talked about doing a weekly online couples module - something to work on our relationship.
(2) I offered an idea of having her write a relapse plan (for her). I was thinking that if she had a plan listed out of what SHE would do if I were to fail, that she might somehow feel a bit safer knowing that her actions were on paper - easy to follow - and there would be mutual agreement on those actions. I didn't have the idea fully thought out, but we talked about it and it actually evolved into something helpful for us both - we broke it down into three areas (a) her discovering an uncommunicated relapse (b) her asking me about relapse and me confessing (c) me notifying her of a relapse. Actually, just writing this down right now feels WRONG - talking of a relapse feels wrong because I feel so far away from that actually happening, but writing it down and when we fill it out will be helpful because it will further instill the importance of honesty and will get us both on the same page WRT the repercussions should I choose to return to a hurtful & unhealthy pace that I simply have no space for in my life with the woman I love and our children.
(3) I offered to write on TTF more frequently - maybe weekly or so to start. I know how COMPLETELY helpful it has been for me reading her postings and all the responses from everyone. So my hope is that she will see me writing and first and foremost appreciate the effort and understand that I am doing it to show her I care and I want to do everything I possibly can to help her heal. Secondly, I hope that it might shed some uncommunicated light on what's going on for me. It's helpful for me when she does it so I suspect it will be helpful for her when I do it.

So, that's where I am right now. Starting this piece of my TTF journaling. We will be doing the couples work weekly I hope, and We still need to draft up a new contract (the present on just expired) and we need to draft up a relapse plan for her. I'm hoping this will feel like a new fresh start for us even in a miniscule way - we desperately need it.

[JenMac]

Hi MAB,
I am happy to see you here posting and I am happy to see the efforts and gains you are making in your recovery. As you know, this is a long journey for each of you and one in which you will make revelations along the way. You have made many and I am sure it is not over yet.
I think your idea of a relapse plan is a good one. I think it was also helpful for me in my healing to go one step further. I had to envision my life without my husband to know that I could indeed live without him if the need ever arose for me to do so. Funny enough, by doing that, it made me feel safer within this dilemma. It gave me a confidence to stay and work on things knowing that if things failed I would be okay on my own. Sounds weird but nevertheless it was true for me. It kind of separated his recovery from my healing a little, if you will.
MAB, it seems to me that you are taking huge steps in the right direction in how you are now handling this. Your wife's healing will take a long time to catch up to yours. Mac's counsellor gave him some good guidance in that. He told him that the timeline to me healing from this would be long and would be on my terms and all he could do was to be patient and caring while I went through that healing. Also your actions at this time truly do speak more than your words so I am so glad to see you taking positive steps in that and in caring for your wife's wellbeing.
It really is startling the length of time this takes to recover from in our lives. I would not have believed it myself. But I am so glad that we are taking the time to really deal with this this time. In times past we did not have the understanding and thus we did not do all that was necessary to keep this from our lives. This time is different. I can see that it is different for you too just in what you are telling us you have learned over this time. It really is the only way. We have come to see it as a worthwhile journey we would not have chosen, but which has led us to a better place. I hope you guys will find that once you work past the pain, there is a connection between you that makes it worth the efforts you have had to put in.
All the best!
Jenn