Fighting the Sting of Defeat

[fightingdefeat]

Hello! Welcome to my journal! I am glad you are here. I hope that as I journal and write here -- in brutal honesty -- I can be encouraged and strengthened... but to also encourage my fellow addicts.

History

Before I begin journal entries, I imagine it would be helpful to let you know where I am coming from. It also will help me see trends and my own problem in an overview. I wrote a brief history in the introduction section, but here I will try to be more precise as I recount in more depth.

• Me as a person... I am eighteen years old, male, Christian, and addicted to P and MB.
• I first was exposed to P through curiosity and fooling around on my computer about three and a half years back. It started out fairly innocently (but with what I know now, I would gravely caution anyone who thinks it can be "innocent", "natural", or justified in any way).
• I knew immediately when I first started looking how wrong it was (both out of convictions that the Holy Spirit gives to Christians and the demoralizing effects on me -- I literally was shaking with shame when I first dwelt on some of the first images).
• I underestimated the difficulty to actually stop once it started. I did not understand the effects that this form of visual high could have on me.
• So for the first year, I dabbled occasionally with mild/soft-core images and never even thought or considered anything HC. During that first year (somewhere around 15-16) I also read some erotic literature and found out about MB and began MB several times a week.
• After approximately one year where I struggled and fought to quit I was discovering the difficulty in the process. I had managed to go for weeks at a time with decent success. It always would come to an end with a more prolonged exposure though and then I would quit again, vowing that it was the last time.
• I learned the power of rationalizing during this time which led me to further rationalize it in the second year. My most common rationalization or lie I believed was "Okay! This is the LAST time... just one more time..." or "many guys look at this, it's a hormonal thing". They get more elaborate as time goes on and go under the guise of different words or logic, but those are still probably the root or underlying idea that many of us use to rationalize it day by day.
• The second year into my addiction I upgraded my internet, got my own laptop -- which as one can guess, was destructive. Both are helpful and great things in life -- especially for me who played online games. But even though I vowed it wouldn't create a further problem for me, it did. I found videos and got into terrible habits. I would follow a pretty typical pattern of wake up with resolve not to look, to be careful with internet use, and to not even make it an option. Then I would rationalize. Watch some crap, and then MB.
• I would still go through good times of freedom. A week here and there... Several multi-week abstinence's even. But it was still there in my life. Even in times of weakness and defeat, I wouldn't spend large amounts of time (and I never have ever spent any money on this), this was part of my rationalizing even though it is a benefit in some ways I suppose. (But to me, addiction is addiction, regardless of the quantity. If you can't stop, you're addicted). Regardless, it haunted me, my conscience, and my self-esteem.
• I never considered finding a girl friend and avoided girls even as a result of my addiction. To this day I have never had a girl friend. I have had friends who have been girls who have been interested in me and I have spent time with girls in the past year more, but still have not wanted to go further. My conscience doesn't allow me to... (Is this good or bad do you suppose?)
• Then about six months ago, I had an experience with God and really lost my interest in P. I didn't struggle, had only mild temptations, and felt amazing. My self confidence and hope was higher than it had ever been.
• Then about two and a half weeks ago I stumbled again. I had lost my sense of diligence and was frustrated with events in my life. Then for the past two weeks I restarted the process I had been through many times before (frequent MB, temptation to look at P, giving into temptation, then trying to quit again).
• I think during this recent time the difficulty has been that, well I messed up, so I might as well indulge while I am in a "mess-up period"... Biggest load of a illogical BS ever, I know.
• Anyway, on Saturday (January 21, 2012) I looked at P and MB again. I decided I could not let this addiction get the best of me. I realized with shocking pain that this could be a lifelong problem - even in marriage - and I absolutely do not want that to happen. So I found TTF and have decided to write it all out. Both as a way of documenting for myself this process and to hopefully help others along the way.

Goal

I want to be free from the clutches of P. I want to look at women without that objectifying eye that quickly develops when I am engaging in my addiction. I want to be able to look other guys in the eye and say without hypocrisy, "I quit P. It is destructive, and I know you can quit also, I am here to help." I want to be able to share a life with my future wife that is not tainted by this sin and addiction. Through God's help I know it is possible. I know I will never get rid of the temptations, but I know that through God's help I can put to death my flesh and say no to temptations, whenever and however they arise.


Starting Point / Progress

The last time I looked at P: January 21, 2012.



I will attempt to update it daily. I also plan to write more regarding my triggers / steps I have taken to avoid and overcome this.

God bless,

FightingDefeat

[wantingfreedom]

fight it now and not later, when you are older and maybe not wiser.

wf

[Disillusioned]

Hi Fighting Defeat, Welcome to TTF. Your first post was amazing to me. You are already on your way. One thing that popped out to me before is that at 6 months, you re-lapsed. That is a common time to fall back, FD. There are also other times that are more difficult to pass for other reasons. You did what many do, relapse and binge. One thing you will learn on here, if there is a relapse, and I hope there will not be, it is not an excuse to binge. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go over the triggers and identify the one that set this off, and make more plans on how NOT to repeat this. Planning does make a big difference.
I am still sad when I see kids that have never even had a real relationship getting caught up in this. The age of first exposure seems to be dropping all the time. Some stats say it is as low as 8, and some as low as 11. Not even physically mature yet, and seeing this stuff.
One of the things I have noticed is that p is used to mute feelings of disappointment, pain, failure or fear of failure, boredom, rejection and many other things of similar nature. I believe this also has roots in how our boys are raised. Little girls can cry, but DON'T let a boy cry. To do so means he is soft or a sissy. Boys learn how to dull the pain by denying the emotions and soon, they have trouble recognizing their own or even seeing those of others.
YOu might read about the 14 common ways PAs often rationalize P use, or deny its significance. Keep reading, journals of others here. Keep reading in the general discussion area. Keep posting and sharing. This is a battle, and it is doable, but it requires some real change in how you think and some self-examination which may not be comfortable.
I wish you much success in your journey, and admire the fact that you want to be the man you are capable of being and the man that nature gifted you to be.

[ocja0201]

Hello Fighting,

Welcome to TTF I know you will find a lot of wisdom and support on these forums. I am impressed at your understanding and resolve at such an early age. It is wonderful to see young people fighting this problem before it causes irreparable damage.

You wrote, "I think during this recent time the difficulty has been that, well I messed up, so I might as well indulge while I am in a "mess-up period"... Biggest load of a illogical BS ever, I know." and I just want you to realize how common this rationalization actually is. I have used it countless times in my own personal experience.

So again welcome and best wishes on your journey.

God bless,

~J

[BestShot]

Hi Fighting Defeat,

Wow! I am very impressed with your ability to articulate your thoughts at such a young age. You are obviously a very bright young man who undoubtedly has been blessed by the Lord to do great things for his kingdom!!

Like you I am also addicted to "p". I am older than you but my story is very similar. I began viewing at the same age as you and became very involved in the stuff. At the time it was magazines but the effect was the same. So, here I am at the age of 47 battling the "P" demon.

You can read my journal posts to find out more about me but my main purpose today is to encourage YOU. You will be fine later in life if you defeat this thing while you are younger. You will need to take it one day at a time as I am sure many have told you. Also, keep coming to this site and writing. It really helps. One of the mistakes I made was to stop coming here and getting my thoughts down on the computer. Also, reading other peoples stories is very helpful.

I guess that is all I want to say for now. I will monitor your progress. One moment at a time my friend!

Yours in the Lord and the bond of healing,

BestShot

[fightingdefeat]

Day 3


First and foremost, thank you for the warm welcome and response to my journal. The notes of encouragement are way helpful as I am starting again. As I read the content and the posts on this blog it is enlightening and very inspiring to continue the fight. It helps increase my resolve -- as I am sure it has helped each of you.

As for day number three... Today has been a good day. I have been looking forward in a [hopeful] sense to writing this entry. I knew that on the onset of this day it would be tough. First, several days into it is always difficult (I always find days 3-10 to be some of the toughest). Second, I knew that there would be several long periods of time where I would be completely alone without any major responsibilities or events to regiment my day.

I am thankful to say that I have managed to make it to the end of the day! I had huge temptations when I was downtown in the morning and saw some scantily clad women -- which led me to thinking about my future time alone at home. I immediately turned away though and silenced my thoughts. I began to reflect upon reading some of the recovery journals here and to focus on other activities. I've stayed busy though and can say that day three has passed successfully. Excited for tomorrow and ready to tackle another day! God bless each of you; you are in my prayers.

[exteberria]

Hey fightingdefeat.

I am 23 years old, and grew up with p from at least the age of 13. I would encourage you to have a look through my first post or have a look in my journal. I can really relate to what you were saying about not having a girlfriend. I honestly didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 21, and for most of those years before then I failed miserably with women. It encourages me that you have female friends that's great, it shows that you are definitely moving in the right direction if you're looking for a girlfriend.
Look at the sort of person you will become if you give up p, I think the biggest positive for me when I stopped regular use of p - was that I felt like I became human again and I could understand the emotions of women. Seems like you are a religious person and are paying close attention to the scriptures on this topic - awesome. Keep an eye out on the Teens & young adults in recovery section, that's where the younger users of the forum post every now and then.

All the best!

[fightingdefeat]

Day 4

Look at the sort of person you will become if you give up p, I think the biggest positive for me when I stopped regular use of p - was that I felt like I became human again and I could understand the emotions of women.

Amen man! I so agree. It is really one of the huge motivators for me. It is incredible how "normal" one feels just after some time away from P, feels good. Suddenly conversations with women go from head nodding to really caring and thinking about them in a way that is beyond having any other motive or thought in the mind.

As to my day? It went well. I had a minor temptation at one point where I was like, "Ehh... what are my true desires...?" Then I dug down, prayed, and remembered what really are my true desires!

It went well though. I didn't make it clear earlier, but I am actually abstaining from MB as well - which is a bit harder in some ways, but for me the two are inextricably linked together and thus must be stopped in unison. Anyway, day 4 complete and looking forward to tomorrow!

[Teemo]

fightingdefeat,

Welcome to TTF. It is clear that you want a life that is full and good, and you know you cannot have that while you are feeding this addiction. That's a powerful start! You also bring some good thinking and much energy to the battle, which will help a lot. I think this is the time for you to put in place all possible supports so you will be ready when your resolve is weaker, and your thinking is clouded by desire. There are definitely rough times that we must get through. Are you planning? Are you putting obstacles between you and P? Are you changing your routines in ways that will support you in this fight?

I want to read about your continued progress and your growing freedom from this addiction. May the road ahead be full of good surprises for you!

Teemo

[fightingdefeat]

Day 5

Well, thus far day 5 has gone fine. It isn't the end of the day yet, but I'll post now when I have the time and maybe a quick note later on saying I've "made it".

Thanks for the message Teemo (out of curiosity, is your name after the League of Legends champion?)! In regards to:

I think this is the time for you to put in place all possible supports so you will be ready when your resolve is weaker, and your thinking is clouded by desire. There are definitely rough times that we must get through. Are you planning? Are you putting obstacles between you and P? Are you changing your routines in ways that will support you in this fight?

I have been meaning to make a post on this... just have been a bit busy (which is a good thing...). This requires introspection and evaluation, which is so helpful in this kind of fight. Alas, it takes energy and exposes the lies you create in your mind which deters action. Now that I'm writing though I'll try to get some of my thoughts down.

The Plan

Some of my Common Hindrances / Triggers

• Times that I feel week: When I am home alone. When I am lonely. When I am frustrated or stressed. When I am not feeling well (like a minor cold or flu that would prevent me from working out or being active). When I am bored <-- big one. When I feel distant from God.
• Things that weaken my self control: When I get curious about sx or some other sxl thought. When I see women in revealing clothing on the street etc. When I watch a movie with sxl humor etc. When I am online and there is some news post involving something to do with sx. When I start thinking about sx or past P I have seen. When I think about how so many guys look at P and MB and then try rationalize with the many lies I can create.
• When I MB regularly -- even without P.
• My process of past failures... I'm sure this is similar with many of you, but what has happened in the past for me has been pretty standard. I would be down emotionally or stressed about something and would then recall thoughts of P and how I knew I feel down after viewing it, but would temporarily feel "happy" in some way. Then I often would read something about sx in a health-sense... some health blog or place where a person has asked questions in some sxl way. Then I would progress from there into P eventually.

Weapons of Defense and Offense

• I have installed a K9 filter and have set it up so it blocks things pretty well. I set the password as "Christismyjoy". I had it set up as a random password that would be impossible to memorize and had the password saved in my old e-mail account. Needless to say this was not overly effective because if I was going to bypass it, I suddenly didn't care if I had to open the account and copy/paste a string of digits. Having to type in "Christ is my joy" causes me to think and recall that, yes, Christ is my joy - and P is NOT and does not bring joy in ANY way! In regards to my history with filters... I had a filter on my computer a long time ago and it helped me a lot. That "safety net" so to speak. During the six months I was free though I didn't have a filter on the computer, but I think that is partly why I eventually relapsed, I didn't have that "last line of defense".
• Another thing I did was to edit my hosts file on my computer and block some of the common P sites I might be tempted to go to in a moment of weakness. So even if I were to bypass the filter I would be unable to navigate to the websites I would likely type in.
• Prayer and Bible study are a huge way for me to combat loneliness, emotional frustration, and temptations. If I am proactive in Bible study and prayer I often find myself not having too many difficulties during the day. It really helps me re-orient my desires and my "allegiance" so to speak.
• Exercise. Wonderful way to get endorphin's released :). I love running and when I am running frequently it helps me tons. When I lift I often think of it both as training for my body but also for my mind in terms of will power and endurance.
• Studying and reading up on addictions and understanding the science behind it. It has been a long time since I have spent any time doing this, but I want to read up again and refresh my memory on what is actually going on in my brain during these times of struggle.
• Getting out of the house when temptations come and just turning the computer off.
• MB very infrequently. When I manage to do this, my issues with P subside a lot. I don't know if it is possible to just not MB... I really haven't gone longer than several weeks without doing it. I am in the sobriety challenge of 100 days... I'm going strong and have the will right now to go for it the whole way. We'll see how it goes. I know it helps me a lot though to abstain because all MB does for me is get me more desirous.
• One of my best and greatest lines of thinking that has helped me is just telling and reminding myself that it is NOT an option to relapse. I am very committed in my mind when it comes to things like drugs and smoking. I just would not even attempt or even try it. It's just not an option in my thinking. That is the kind of thinking I would like to be able to have for P.
• I like to visualize my future. My future family. My future wife. The man I want to be--should be.
• Posting and reading here on TTF! Thus far it has been very helpful!
• Recognizing future events and periods of time that could potentially be a failure or relapse situation. This is where I have struggled in the past in terms of offense / defense. I let my guard down and somehow get "excited" in a sense as to some situation that might be able to justify P use. The only way I can defend myself in this is repeating and going through things above. Really recognizing that there is no such thing as a "justification" or "situation" that makes it alright to use P and then going from there.

Okay! So there are some of the areas I struggle in and the main things I have done/am doing to go against!


Thanks for reading! Today should end well as I plan to stay away from the computer for the rest of day now. God bless and stay encouraged!