Fighting the Sting of Defeat

[fightingdefeat]

Day 27

Thank you so much AE. Great post of encouragement and assessment on what happened. Yeah the trigger totally was the movie's cover art. I guess I figured that, but didn't really think so much about it. We live in such an over-sxlized society and these triggers are all over, aren't they... I need to watch out for them more carefully.

Yeah, the issue of anything that is arousing is dangerous needs to sink into my consciousness more. Although I think it is unstated in my thinking, I clearly want to remind myself that I will not pollute my mind with vile content from a movie that should not normally tempt/compromise a guy to the extent it would me. Like you say, anything that is tantalizing or get's my heart going or my mind racing should not be indulged in the least. Not now, not ever.

Today is going well. Now that I am "sober" I look back on yesterday and kind of scoff at myself. It's crazy how tempted I was. Glad to have made it through.

Today should / will be a good day as well. Thus far its been good and it will end well. Take care everyone! :)

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Good job, FD. Glad you're doing so well today.

You're the man.

AE

[fightingdefeat]

Day 28 & 29

Hey guys. Well, I screwed up again with MB. Yesterday was a great day, I didn't have any struggles or temptations to view P or even to MB, but then when I showered in the evening I compulsively did it. Not sure if it was out of habit, or desire, or somehow pre-meditated in my subconscious haha. Oh, sigh. It's disappointing in that I didn't have the will power not to, but I am thankful I haven't stumbled with P thus far -- that feels great and keeps me going.

What exactly is my stance on MB? I've come to a conclusion more clearly now. Although, honestly, it's a conclusion I dislike. I mean, for a single guy, one is entitled to it and it's completely normal, right? Well, I suppose in some sense, maybe... but in my case? I can't override my conscience any more and keep doing it.

Why I see it as destructive for me in my circumstance?
-It causes me to lust, no matter how I twist and turn it, I cannot do it without lusting.
-It causes me to desire to have a greater high and to do it more frequently, eventually leading to P.
-It is teaching and creating patterns of self-seeking pleasure and is not harbouring discipline, yet leads to compulsive behaviour (for me).
-In my case, as a Christian, here is a summary by a Christian apologist, Matt Slick, "The goal of the Christian life is to be pure in thought and deed. I believe that the issue of masturbation comes down to this. Therefore, I believe that though masturbation under certain circumstances may not be sinful, the desire to be sexually pure and holy should move the Christian to avoid it. Instead, he or she should seek to master the body and not give into its desires. The fight against masturbation can be a lesson in controlling the body which can have great spiritual benefits. Giving in to masturbation can have spiritual consequences and mastering the body can bring great spiritual benefit. "

So this is a conclusion I am coming to, I do not believe I am part of the group that can MB without a problem... At least for now and probably for a good deal of time from now. It just leads me into so many further temptations and desires that are unnecessary and can be avoided if I avoid MB. Also, if I can learn to be self controlled in this manner, I know it will help with my self control and discipline in other areas of my life.

Anyway, like I've said before, failure in discipline in this area will not hinder me or stop me from moving forward as a whole. I am having victory over temptations in my PA and am thankful for the strength to have made it thus far. Just continuing to take it one day at a time and try to learn to master my body, my thoughts, and emotions.

Stay strong and steadfast my friends.

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey FD,

Great thoughts. I would have said a lot of the same things as Matt Slick. I get really frustrated with the notion that it is impossible to restrain oneself from MB. It denies that which separates us from the animals, and suggests that we are simply slaves to our carnal desires. Many people have proven that this is not true. Why should MB be any different?

I can personally attest to the fact that the desire does slacken and disappear over time. I have been clean for over four weeks, and I have not MBed once. Nor do I ever plan to. If I relapse with P, it is nearly certain MB will accompany it, but if I can stay away from the one, I can stay away from the other.

Stay strong, FD. You're in good shape, from my perspective.

AE

[fightingdefeat]

Day 30

I can personally attest to the fact that the desire does slacken and disappear over time.

Well, that sounds good! I look forward to it. I notice the desire does definitely become so much less after several days, but I think what happens to me, is maybe in a moment of weakness, I start thinking about it and then convince myself of my need for it (a physiological response to wanting the pleasure centers triggered). I need to remember that it is not a physical need as some might claim (I've seen people say there may be health benefits, and correct me if I am wrong, but I haven't seen medical proof that it is necessary for a guy to MB). If I realize this, and just force myself to not indulge, the urge will pass.

I'm doing well today. I'm feeling pretty good and haven't been tempted today, but I want to keep my head in the game.

It's strange though, normally I am pretty self motivated, but lately, I'll be honest, I have been feeling quite the opposite of motivated. I need to put more effort into my class, I need to start exercising with more vigour again (I've gotten so lazy and practically quit Insanity the past few days... need to restart), I need to be more disciplined in reading (I know I love it when I'm reading, but I've just been so lazy and haven't been consistently reading through books lately), I need to start spending more time with people in a recreational way, and I need to stop wasting time on Facebook and reading random blogs. As a whole, I wouldn't say I struggled with these things normally. I am in a weird situation in life right now (gap year in a foreign country taking some part time classes lol), but still, I want to pull myself together and not let this be an excuse.

I don't know if it is the will power that I've been exerting into trying to overcome PA, or what it is, but I want to get over it. I hate feeling unmotivated and I hate feeling lazy. I love getting things done. I'm a do-er, and if I am not doing enough it drives me nuts. But the problem is, right now, it's not driving me nuts, and the fact that it's not driving me nuts is frustrating me. Do you see the paradox here?

I have a feeling this will end up affecting me and my fight against P. It sounds silly to myself, but I have to start putting manageable goals ahead of me each day for awhile until I get into new routines again as I have obviously fallen out of healthy ones.

I'm going to bed here shortly, but here are some realistic goals for the morrow:
-Read and study the Bible
-Workout
-Set aside an uninterrupted portion of time to study my class material
-Finish the book I'm reading (about 40 pages left only)
-Give myself a limit for internet use of 1 hour (facebook, blogs, e-mail, TTF)

Take care my friends! Stay strong!

[JenMac]

Give myself a limit for internet use of 1 hour (facebook, blogs, e-mail, TTF)

May I suggest you reverse that order?
And possibly remove the facebook, if you find it at all triggering?

All the best to you in your recovery efforts.

Jenn

[fightingdefeat]

Day 31

Hey Jen! Thanks for the reply. Although I wasn't intentional on writing the order there, it turns out to be the order I generally use the computer. Now I am using the computer in the reverse. Thanks for pointing it out. As to FB being a trigger for me? Well, it's funny you mention it, I think back to past times I have fallen and yes, it has triggered me in the past. Not a consistent trigger, but it can occasionally be a trigger most definitely. I think it would be tough to cut it out altogether (it's the only way I keep in touch with many of my friends), but perhaps I should limit myself to only checking it a few times a week... Or set up a system so it is very minimal and sends me e-mail updates rather than me having to physically check it. Thanks for getting me thinking about it. :)

Even though it's not the end of the day, I'll finish up computer use for today now, and get on with my other goals. I should be able to get it all done, I'll let you know. Feeling like a cold is coming on though, so I'm unsure of how working out will make me feel.

Today is good thus far. Just taking it one day at a time... Oh, and the last time I slipped up was January 21, and it's February 21 today. That definitely feels good and makes me so thankful for the progress I have been able to make, just gotta keep the ball rolling. :)

[ski218]

Sounds like you are doing pretty well and congrats on the one month mark. At around 30-days of strong effort, the brain usually starts to make new changes more permanent, so you are on your way to a better place. As far as your motivation goes, I think it would e tough to get comfortable in a foreign country. I know to motivate myself sometimes I need to belong to a gym and go to a class, or go to a coffee shop for a defined 2-hour time to get some studying/reading done. The more I try to do in home, the more I fail at it, and then it kind of puts me in a slump to continue not doing things. Good luck with everything!

[AnxiouslyEngaged]

Hey FD,

Just dropping a line to say congrats on the one-month mark. I'm in the exact same place! My last relapse was on January 21st.

I'm happy to be in the same spot with you. And I'm happy we're both progressing.

I thought it was interesting, what you said about Fb being an occasional trigger. I remember, on a handful of occasions, deciding to unsubscribe from a couple of feeds on my Google Reader that were sometimes triggers. They were good feeds, but I realized they weren't worth a relapse.

Setting up email notifications is a great idea. That's actually how I use Fb, and I think that's the only reason I don't end up getting lost in the newsfeed every day.

Good work, my friend, and keep going. The month mark is a splendid achievement. I'm proud of us both.

AE

[fightingdefeat]

Day 32

Hah, yesterday started out so great with getting my things done, but by the end of the day I lost motivation to do the things I set out to do. Oh well, it's okay, I had to do some itinerary and flight booking stuff for a trip I'm taking this summer so that was necessary and important. Still irks me why I can let myself lose track of time and not be more productive in my days.

Well, I can't adjust everything in my life at once... one step at a time.

The fight is going well. Yesterday was good and today has been ok.

On TV there was one of those really stupid teen movies, like a PG-13 kind of deal. It was so dumb, yet I started watching a bit and realized the innuendo and jokes they were making were somewhat stimulating. Makes me wonder how they can rate it PG-13 even... I then was like, woah, I need to shut this crap off. Normally I would not even watch something like this because of it's sheer pointlessness and poor quality, but in that moment I was trying to figure out a way to get stimulated from anything.

Glad I walked away and shut it off. I noticed how in those few moments my mind started to think about the point in quitting and if I should give it up. I then recalled my resolve. I remembered the progress I've made and how much happier I am with my current situation that a month ago.

We're in a war that is worth it my friends. It's the fight of our lives... and it's the fight for our lives.