Fighting the Sting of Defeat

[fightingdefeat]

Day 7

Just dropping by to say that I am doing well! By the end of this day I will have made it one week without P or MB! I am proud of that for sure. I have reached this "landmark" times before, but it feels good every time.

This past two-three days I have been feeling a bit down and irritable... not sure if has anything to do with this process of recovery, but it makes it more difficult for sure. I still have my sights set and am continuing to incessantly remind myself that it is not an option to go back. With God's help this fight is continuing and I am still on my feet and my will is strong.

Stay vigilant my friends and be encouraged! Take it step by step!

[fightingdefeat]

Day 8

Well, I am on day eight! I'm proud of that for sure. Yesterday evening I was way tempted to MB, but I said no and then worked out instead. I'm still fighting off temptations and know that they will eventually die down on a broader level as more time builds, but I am continuing to remain vigilant and proactive in this.

Defeat isn't an option anymore. I cannot let myself regress back to pathetic excuses and selfishness. I find a lot of strength in posting here and just having to remain accountable. Being honest with myself and others helps me so much. Glad I'm here.

[fightingdefeat]

Day 9

Greetings on this fine Monday... all is good thus far and I'm progressively moving forward each day. I'm filling my time with more constructive outlets and am happy about it. I am still reflecting on who I was (and well, still carry the scars from), but who I want to become more fully. It is amazing how the mind retains thoughts and images when you have messed up recently. They surface easily and it takes a lot of will power to redirect thinking. That's what I am trying to do though and have been successful so far. I'm encouraged overall, but am still cautious and being vigilant in reading things on this website and trying to be proactive through it all. Take care, blessings on you!

[ski218]

Sounds like you are off to a great start. It is awesome that you are starting this at 18, I know we all say that, but we just think about how many years of our lives could have been better if we started then. Anyway, we are all on the same path now. Just thought I'd throw in a few words about visualizations. It sounds like you spend some time picturing your future and I think that this is a really really powerful tool that has helped me a lot. One trick with visualizing that I have found useful, is not only visualizing the endpoint (p/mb free, married, kids, ...), but visualizing yourself putting in the hard work day after day to reach that endpoint. Realistically we all know that beating this addiction is a huge pain and going to take a ton a hard work, but the I believe one key to success is visualizing yourself doing this hard work. When you visualize this work, you will do the work, and then you will reach the endpoints. Some of the things I visualize myself doing is visiting this site, exercising, eating right, reflecting, and having difficult discussions with my SO.

Best of luck to you and I will try to keep up on your journey!

[fightingdefeat]

Day 10

Sounds like you are off to a great start.

Thanks... It is going well thus far, but I still want to be careful. I find it easy to fall when you get "confident"... Keeping that line between confidence and overconfidence is important.

One trick with visualizing that I have found useful, is not only visualizing the endpoint (p/mb free, married, kids, ...), but visualizing yourself putting in the hard work day after day to reach that endpoint. Realistically we all know that beating this addiction is a huge pain and going to take a ton a hard work, but the I believe one key to success is visualizing yourself doing this hard work. When you visualize this work, you will do the work, and then you will reach the endpoints. Some of the things I visualize myself doing is visiting this site, exercising, eating right, reflecting, and having difficult discussions with my SO.

Oh thank you so much for this piece of advice... This actually came at a good moment, I'll explain a bit.

I have been having pretty strong temptations, not to really look at any P, but to MB and just not really care as much about my recovery. Then I remember that this is something I truly want and that there is absolutely nothing positive in returning to my lustful addiction and habits. The feelings I have when I am not giving into "the beast" beat the snot out of any small high you get from P use.

One of the difficulties I have been facing is the winter weather which is keeping me indoors and the lack of work. I keep busy and I am studying, but not full time... So I am trying to focus on other things to do to keep me busy (hobbies, exercise, friends, etc...), but I still have more time on my hands than previous times in my life.

This has been both good and bad thus far. It has been good because I know that I am having to REALLY test my will power. I am having to consciously choose not to return to P even though I could since I am not just forcing myself to avoid opportunities. It is bad in the sense that I get worried that there will be a moment where my will power weakens to some external circumstance... But then I remind myself of the things I've written earlier and the other posts on this forum.

So thank you for mentioning the envisioning the pain and difficulty of recovery. It is a humbling thing to "remind" myself of what I'm trying to do and what I am distancing myself from. The undeniably licentious nature of PA and for me, coupled with MB, definitely makes me not want to return. I do not want to return to that level of complacency and disdain for myself to let myself ruin my life and future further. This journey is difficult in that I am fighting myself and fighting my inner desires, but it is necessary. Just as I mentally prepare myself and envision a tough workout ahead of me, I need to be doing the same with this never-ending fight and struggle. Each day to envision what could come upon me, and more importantly, how I would react and say NO to such temptation and frustration.

I am still fighting. I noticed some music I was listening to (fairly clean in general) was triggering me to think lustfully. So I took the songs out of my play lists and replaced with some more "motivational" and music I am now associating mentally with this fight. I also have been dealing with thought control and although I am able to shut down thoughts they sometimes come upon me with a lot of force and I have to work hard at ignoring and replacing.

It's good though. One day at a time! At the end of the day, my 10th day of freedom will be completed. Stay strong my friends and remain hopeful!

[ski218]

I'm glad to hear it helped. Good job!

[fightingdefeat]

Day 11

Well, it is day 11, February 1, 2012. All is going well.

February as a whole... Continue here. Continue the workout program I just started a few days back (Insanity by Shaun T.). Continue delving deeper in my relationship with God and my understanding of the Bible. Continue studying. Continue helping those around me as I can. Continue forward, ever wary of the pitfalls that may be before and around. Hopeful yet vigilant and humbled.

[fightingdefeat]

Day 12

Ah, as I write this the afternoon sun is streaming through my window. It's beautiful. Although I hate the winter it is still gorgeous with snow and the crispness of the air.

As to the battle? I'm feeling pretty down today. Frustrated with life decisions and classes. Not sure if this is what led or contributed to me MB earlier today... I feel terrible about it. Although it is not expressly linked with my goal, it is something I want to avoid. At least until I develop more self control as a whole. Not to mention all it has done for me in the past has increased by drive and desire for that high more frequently. It is what (at least for me) drives my PA.

Thankfully I didn't look at P. I didn't look, read, or think about questionable material -- honestly. It was almost a mechanical process to get that high and then be done. It disgusts me to be able to be so habitual about it.

Although it is frustrating, I know that it is not what is going to define me. I am still on track with my main goal, and although this is a set back (because I know I will probably have stronger temptations now in the next few days), I vow to remain vigilant and to continue. I've seen in some of your signatures sayings like, "Relapse is not an option." or such sayings as, "No such thing as try. Only do.". Inspiring to say the least. That is the attitude I have with P and want to maintain. It wasn't quite the attitude I had with MB and thus I fell there.

Summary? I won't, and haven't, given into P. It's no longer an option. MB, although I failed here today, I will pick myself up and continue forward. I need to rethink what my plans are for it... If I literally want to force myself to forego it entirely? lol, I mean, is it possible for a single guy do that? I suppose my initial goal was go for several months with no MB and make sure I am back on a strong track of recovery from P use. Hmm. Need to consider such things. Ultimately: my mind, these past twelve days, has not been tainted by anything potentially sxl or licentious.

[ski218]

Although it is frustrating, I know that it is not what is going to define me.

I think this is a key realization. This addiction thrives on making you do something you regret/feel bad about, then you mull over it a few days thinking "why did i do it" "why can't I stop" "if I only had -fill in the blank- then maybe I could quit." While a person struggles with all these thoughts, the craving to look at p or mb comes back as a way to relieve the body from those stressful thoughts and feelings. It is important to pick yourself up quickly and realize that this one moment is not going to define you as a person or impact your battle from this moment forward. I think you have a good mindset following the incident.

As far as your question about a single guy being able to live without mb? I have no idea, it sounds tough, but I am in relationship so can not comment too much. There is a huge difference between s*x with a partner and mb. S*x is a way of connection and a true experience of love, where as mb is just releasing chemicals in your body and works exactly like a drug (such as heroin). There is definitely a withdrawal period where it is hard to overcome, but after that (30 days or so), if you have developed positive ways to resist the cravings, then it seemed to get easier for me. Stopping mb will certainly create more wet dreams as that is how the body would otherwise relieve itself, but these are again without the drug-like high. These dreams have caused problems for people on this site because it is usually a pretty vivid experience. I'm sure there are several stories of people on here who are single and have gone a long time without mb. Good luck!

Hope you are having a good day!

[Persistence]

Hey FD,

I think you have a healthy view of MB that I also share. When I am using P, I MB 3 times a day. Without P, I MB about once every 5 - 7 days. Is that still not ok? I don't know, but it's better. I'm not really sure what my long term goals are for MB, but for now my goal is to stop using P.