Fell but getting back up.

[BestShot]

Hi Everyone,

I have been here before and was actually doing incredibly well with my recovery. After about a good 6 months of no "P" I fell and began viewing again. I don't "M" to completion when I view but I do view none the less. To be perfectly honest, I find that my libido is lower (as compared to when i was in my younger days) and the "P" seems to get my juices flowing. I am still very attracted to my wife but my desire to engage in activity is often very low. Part of it is my crazy schedule and part of it is just age I imagine. In anycase, I like the effect that the "P" has on me as far as arousal goes. Again, I only have "O" with my wife and I truly enjoy our physical relationship.

All that being said, there is something about viewing the "P" that bothers me. I guess I know in my mind that it is wrong and that God deems it as wrong. I am spiritual and it bothers me that I am knowingly sinning. So, I am attempting to get back on my horse and ride to the land of freedom. The land with out "P". I don't like having this secret and I remember how good I felt when I had been away from it for so long.

I look forward to being back here much more regularly, writing in my journal and talking to other folks. That is what got me off the stuff the last time and I am sure I can do it again.

Thanks in advance for all the support as I know that this site is always there and willing to help.

I will do my best to make myself and all of you proud!

Yours in the bond of healing,

BestShot

[Teemo]

BestShot,

I'm glad to see you are restarting your journal. You bring up a tricky problem with p: We can actually find some "benefit" in it, when it becomes connected to our real sexual relationship in our marriage. Yes, it contributes to arousal, and, yes, arousal is good. But it is poisonous to our loving relationships with our wives. It puts the images and the lust at the center of things, making our physical relationship more and more selfish. The stimulation we find in p may send us looking for satisfaction with our wives, but it cheapens our lovemaking terribly.

I know you have made the decision that p is wrong and freedom is what you want. I think you will find along the way to recovery that the good we may see in p is a product of our own effort to rationalize our use of it.

[BestShot]

As I have said before, I was about 6 months clean and then fell off the wagon. I am on day 3 now of no "P" and I feel good. Not so much because I have gone 3 days with out "P" but because I am making the effort to rid myself of it :) It feels good to be doing what is right. I hope I can stick with that feeling and let it guide me when things get tough. One of my buddies at this site told me once that " there is no better feeling than putting your head on your pillow at night knowing you were "P" free that day". I couldn't agree more.

I hope all of you are doing well in your battle!

Sincerely,

BestShot

[Disillusioned]

Hi 'BestShot,"
Welcome to TTF. Apparently you have posted elsewhere and I have missed it. For that, I apologize. I read your post about the six months and relapse and just felt, I need to say something to him. In my reading, I have learned that there are certain periods of time in recovery where folks are more likely to relapse. The six month period is one of them. Please keep reading so you know about the others and are more prepared. A bit like remembering to take an umbrella or raincoat when a storm is expected. With this addiction, a person has to be on guard everyday, as triggers and temptations abound. Even times during the day when it was usual to use. Other addictions are the same way. Think about smoking. Smokers really miss that cigarette at the end of a meal, or with a cup of coffee and spending time talking to a friend, or after s*x as is often noted in cartoons. P use is the same in that. One of the triggers is running into a time when you ordinarily used it. One of our wonderful PAs that is working so hard, came home to an empty house recently and was so strongly triggered. Ah, hah, he noted. This is the kind of occasion that allowed me to use in the past.
Then he dug even deeper, to when he came home as a youngster to an empty house. There were uncomfortable feelings then too...sadness, loneliness. He had an even deeper Ah-hah.
BestShot, keep working on identifying all those moments that find you particularly triggered, and be ready for them with the things you have put in place to keep you from relapsing. I wish all good things for you, and I am sorry P snagged your mind and is causing you to miss out on your own life and cause pain. I am happy you are here, as you need to be. WE have many loving people who will help you and care. Everyone here is pulling for your success, as none of us want P to be able to hurt even one more soul.
Best wishes, BestShot.

[JenMac]

Hey Best Shot!
Welcome back! Glad you are back on track and seeking to rid this from your life!
Wishing you all the best as you move forward BestShot!
May you find strength in your journey!
Jenn

[BestShot]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks to Disillusioned and Jen for checking in with me. It really does mean a lot to have the support of others. To be honest, I felt like "using" this morning but after reading the responses to my post from yesterday I had no desire to view "P".

So, it is day 4 and it will be busy. I know that I will not use today and that's a good feeling. When I am too busy to use I simply do not use. When I have time (too much time) I am much more likely to use. Fortunately, I am usually too busy :)

What else? Not much. Only that it sucks to have to begin again after doing well for so long. I know it's better than not making another attempt but it still sucks to have to start over :)

I think I will go ahead and read some other posts now. I don't have too much to say except thanks AGAIN to Jen and Disillusioned. You made a difference for me today!

Have a great day EVERYONE and may you persevere in your battle to heal one moment at a time!

Sincerely,

BestShot

[BestShot]

Hi Everyone,

This is my second journal entry today. I felt the need to come and write so I can get my mind back where it should be :) Things are going pretty well except our coffee machine here at work is broken and I NEED a cup!

Anyway, just stopping by. Stay strong!

BestShot

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey BestShot

It is very nice to see you again here at TTF. If we are to even have a small chance of freedom from this crap, we need to work hard on recovery. I know that you want this out of your life, because you are here again to get help.

Just keep going strong my friend, and you will be ok in this journey you are on right now. Always remember, that as long as you are here at TTF, you have so many wonderful people to help you with your struggles.

I hope that you got that cup of coffee that you needed, to get you started on your day. I know it sucks when you need a cup, and the machine is broken. I am also glad to see that you came here to TTF, to get your mind straight. That my friend is the best thing that you can do.

I wish you the best in your recovery this time around. We are by your side to help you with all that we can

Can I suggest one thing to you BestShot? That is, I noticed that today to have two posts. It would be so much easier for us to help you and see how you are doing, if you just write your thoughts in one journal. It is just a thought, because all we want to do is to help you

We will see you soon

Gerald

[BestShot]

Another day ahead.

Did I want to view "P" today? Yes. Instead I came here and am writing in my journal. I know (from past experience) that the urge to view will pass and that what I am really dealing with at this moment is a "habit". So, I write and let the urge pass away "like a wave rolling on". Unfortunately, there is always another "wave" but I have never seen a wave hang around for very long :) One of my buddies likened thoughts of "P" and viewing "P" as simply thoughts that are like waves on the ocean. They come and they go. Being aware of the thoughts is fine but fighting too hard to suppress them could be a bad thing. Therefore, I choose to be keenly aware of them but just let them go.

I am about to get to work and surely my mind will be free from thoughts of "P" (at least any strong thoughts). Sometimes there are flashes of "P" that pop into my head like firecrackers but my work usually snaps me out of it fairly quickly. That's the biggest thing for me...."down time". Time alone is dangerous for me. I wonder if it will ALWAYS be that way. I truly hope not because I do enjoy time to myself and my thoughts.

I think that is it for now. I wish you all a successful day away from "P". Everyday "with out" makes me feel great!

Yours in the bond of healing,

BestShot

[BestShot]

Been busy all morning and now have down time. Normally, this is when I would view some "P". Actually, really LOOK FORWARD to it but today I have come here instead. After I am finished writing I will head to the gym and work out. The rest of the day I know I will be safe from "P". Again, it is because I will have NO alone time. For now that's the best thing. Either be busy as hell OR make sure somebody is around me.

It seems so ridiculous to have to live like this. Worrying about "if I am going to fail today". At the same time it's better if I don't obsess about my urges. That seems to just prolong them. Just let them come and go "like a wave" in the ocean. Of course I am going to have urges. I am addicted but I know that they become less frequent and their intensity decreases.

It feels good to write. It helps a lot. Ok, it's time to move on with the day. Off to the gym!

Make it a great rest of your day!

Yours in the bond of healing,

BestShot