My First Journal Entry

[PatriotsFan]

A relatively good week for me and am looking at twelve days of sobriety. Today I had a session with my therapist. He often mentions anger when talking about sexual addiction and I’ve always struggled understanding what exactly he’s talking about. I’ve never associated anger with acting out. However, at times I have struggled with fantasies where I am having these angry conversations with people I don’t even know. Like the sexual fantasies that bring on the phenomenon of craving that can lead one into self destruction, my fantasies of anger are about control and leave me in a state of frenzy and anxiousness. In turn I can see how at times this may lead to acting out.
Today I had to talk about my family relationships and how they played out over the years. It was actually quite difficult doing so as I surprisingly became somewhat emotional thinking about those times. My parents divorced when I was ten, my sister seven, and in part because it was such a shock & surprise, my sister and I were quite traumatized. From there my mother did the best she could working to provide for us resulting in my sister & I becoming “Latch Key” children. Alone far too often and, at times, neglected. Eventually my mother became overly protective and my sister started using drugs (yes she is a recovering addict too). I developed a problem with rock throwing and acted out in many juvenile ways. Ironically with the exception of my father and uncle, all the other members of my family were women. So between my mother and divorced aunt, I heard a great deal of man bashing at a young age. Hard to say now how I felt back then … but can you, the reader, imagine how a young man might feel? Plenty of acting out. Then there is my father who once was divorced started living the life of the bachelor and forgot that he had two kids that still wanted him around. Now that he’s retired he has all the time in the world to sit around and wonder why we don’t fly down to Florida and see him more often.
Unfortunately I do carry a lot more anger inside me than I allow to rise to the surface. I don’t like to feel that way and certainly don’t like it when others see it in me. It feels good to discuss it and sort of clear the cobwebs from the brain, freeing up memories that have been held locked away for so long.

[no_excuses]

Wow, a lot of similarities in my childhood - divorce, neglect, angry and over-protective mom, even a sister who reacting in bad ways too. Maybe I can piggybank off what you're learning and save myself therapist fees. ;-) Half-coincidentally, within a few days of going clean I had separate conversations about my childhood with the most important people from that period (mom, dad, and sister), as well as my wife. It was really a closet cleaning, and helped me understand myself and others a bit better. No real surprises, but sometimes it just helps to hear from the horse's mouth the things you suspected all along, and then move on. If you get the chance, I highly recommend having those conversations with family members. Glad to hear you're getting to the root of things, I think it's very strengthening.

[PatriotsFan]

During a group meeting last night with a couple of therapists I was going over my Outer Circles items. One of those items was “being socially active without sexual interference”. I was asked about the sexual interference part… what about that… sexual interference from whom? As an example I stated that I was referring to being able to have a conversation with a woman without objectifying her or having some sort of sexual tension in the mix. Well why would you need to have this conversation… where would you be that this kind of thing would happen?

You see I travel a great deal in my job. Outside of vacation periods I am literally gone fourteen days of each month from home. Airports, hotels, etc… So I can easily run into women in various places. I said to them well I may go to the bar at the hotel to have a glass of wine or have dinner if I hadn’t had time to eat earlier. The bar!!! Well how many glasses of wine, do you sit at the bar, why couldn’t you have a soda! OMG….WTF? is what I want to say. I’m sure you had to be there and me writing it out here won’t do it justice but I don’t abuse alcohol and this type of questioning coming from someone who still doesn’t have a complete picture of the person that I am irritated me. Hey guess what…not everyone out there who is an addict is an alcoholic too!

Yes I get it; alcohol reduces inhibition potentially setting one self up for slippery behavior. However, I absolutely refuse to believe, nor will anyone ever convince me that having an intellectual conversation with a woman is cause for alarm or should be completely avoided at all costs. If YOU can’t do it, fine, that’s your problem. Don’t’ project your BS onto me. I understand I have my issues and need to be responsible enough that if someone began flirting with me or if some woman came into the bar or where ever I am wearing her daisy dukes, I would need to change my environment and I would. We could sit here all day long and create theoretical situations where someone could have a problem ~ ITS BIG WORLD OUT THERE, DEAL WITH IT!

I felt somewhat defeated in trying to represent myself and I certainly expected more positive information from my therapist/s. I know a part of me speaking here is saying I'm not going to let this disease control me. Another part is saying, know your own limitations. Just don't judge me before you know me.

[PatriotsFan]

I’ve been fretting over how angry I have been lately. For some small things, other things from my past or just nothing in particular at all. Some people ask why god doesn’t help them when they need it or when they ask and get nothing. I believe my answer came last night during my men’s SAA meeting last night, it just took me awhile to see it.
A new guy was attending the meeting last night. At some point we were talking about god and how he intervenes. He mentioned that we were talking about something that he has struggled with for many years. Always asking god for help and never getting it, he felt abandoned. I could feel this guys despair and many of us addicts can certainly identify with what he is going through. Many of us in the meeting looked for words to help give him comfort and I threw my two cents in too but knew they just didn’t come out the way I wanted and the way he needed. He listened to what we all had to say but what he was hearing is that HE is doing something wrong or I’m supposed to do this or I’m supposed to do that. He kept bringing up himself… I, I, I. He even mentioned at one point that he get’s so frustrated that he has pleaded with god, even swearing at times, to take away the frustration and desire that haunts him.

What I wished I had said to him and something I need to remember all too often is try being a little more humble. With all the suffering going on around us, do you really believe god is going to show up at our front door like some doctor making house calls with his bag of tricks and say, “I’m here to heal you now”. It doesn’t work like that. Let’s face it…when you compare all the suffering in the world with all the millions of people who are all asking for a little help to those like me who are asking for help because we can’t stop looking at P and MB….. well that just seems a little pathetic doesn’t it?

As I laid in bed waking this morning and thinking upon last nights meeting. I thought about walking along a beach. A big, beautiful, & pristine beach. It is quite, calm, and peaceful. As I walk along though I begin to hear noise. I keep walking. Soon the noise begins to get more and more loud. It’s the water crashing against the rocks. As I get closer it becomes so loud that I can hardly stand it. It’s chaotic and becomes very stressful but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and soon I am walking away from this chaotic scene. I keep walking. Before too long I am walking through peace and tranquility once more as I had started with. Then I bend down and pick up a hand full of sand and try pick out just one micro sand particle. With my big fingers it’s nearly impossible because they are just that small. I look at this particle of sand and think how small it is in this great big world of this beach. It’s small but not insignificant, it matters as much as the others matter. We matter. There are times when we will walk through life with peace and tranquility and there are times when we will face loud, chaotic moments. Remembering that I am a small but significant part of this world and god will not abandon anyone. We do however need to remember the he will not do the walking for us. We need to simply remember to be humble and open our hearts for the answers that god has sent. I hope I see this person again and I hope that I can convey to him some words of comfort. Remember... Life’s a Beach! LOL

I have been angry with myself for getting into this situation and it tends to get in the way of everything when I’m not paying attention. I think with humility comes patience and boy do I need a lot of patience right now.

[PatriotsFan]

I came across this metaphor in one of my workbooks and really enjoyed the analogy so I wanted to share it with anyone who happens upon it.

There’s an old Native American tale, variations of which were told in several tribes. The story tells of a young boy who approaches his grandfather, who is also a medicine man. He tells his grandfather of a dream in which there are two wolves. One wolf is strong, honorable, smart, compassionate and trustworthy. The other also has great strength, but relies on being devious, opportunistic, and mean spirited. The first respects the pack and leads by example. The second leads by charisma and seduction, but essentially is ruthless. The first wolf respects traditions and all beings, while the second follows pleasure, whatever the costs or whoever is hurt. In the dream, the two wolves are locked in mortal combat and the boy would wake up from the dream in fear. He asked his grandfather about the meaning of the dream. The grandfather’s response was to say that the spirit of each wolf is in all men and women. How the battle comes out is critical to how we access our strength. The boy then asks which of his two wolves was to win. The old medicine man answers: “The wolf that wins will be the one you feed.”

[PatriotsFan]

My partner commented a couple days ago why I haven’t written in my journal lately. To be honest I hadn’t really thought much about it. For me that was kind of a good thing, though I’ve come to understand through much stubbornness that journaling is important. I hadn’t written anything because I’ve been feeling quite good lately. Today, Saturday February 25^th, is my 30^th day of sobriety in about a six month period of recovery.

I’ve noticed slight changes in my way of thinking…or how my brain doesn’t quite go straight into those fantasies so quickly. It’s something very difficult for me to explain to someone who doesn’t understand what others and myself are going through. It’s a slow, methodical process for sure but seeing some benefit, however slight, is comforting.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a guy I met in one of my meetings recently. My heart went out to him. I had never been to a meeting anywhere in anyplace where someone broke down and cried. He was a white collar professional attending this particular meeting for the first time. He had obviously reached his breaking point and was overwhelmed with emotion. He was very, very lonely. I still struggle with making calls myself because I really feel the need to bond with someone before I can pick up the phone and check in with them. I wish I had this persons phone number though so I could give him some support.

Part of my focus of late has been to not be isolated with my thoughts alone and to make some kind of effort to be social with men. Not exactly sure what I’m worried or afraid of by making that call. Like many P addicts I am an isolationist. What’s really unfortunate is that my job creates some isolation for me. Through my entire adult life I have learned to take care of things myself and not rely on others for help. I was never very good at making friends with men but I also didn’t put forth the effort either. My focus was always on the girls whether it was sexual or not. I’m hoping with time I can break this cycle.

As for today I am grateful for God getting me through another night of sobriety. One day at a time.