IT IS TIME - Journal

[itistime]

I'm in my early 30's and I've been masturbating to porn for about 15 years. And I've been two long-term relationships for about 10 of those years. Both of my relationships were affected by porn use, particularly my first one. My consistent porn use quickly became apparent to Ex1 and she was naturally hurt by it and I felt guilty and I lied and concealed it and felt more guilty and hurt her more. I know that her depression was partly due to this. Sex gradually decreased and I found myself less attracted to her and eventually experienced ED, a humiliating experience for both of us. Another disturbing trend was that my sexual proclivities began evolving to more disgusting hardcore porn that I tried to bring in to the bedroom with horrible consequences. After growing tired of a man not attracted to her, Ex1 cheated and mercifully ended the relationship.

Cue the introduction of broadband internet and the emergence of even more degrading and misogynistic tastes in porn. In the year I was single I was sleeping with one girl, with whom I also experienced ED.

Enter Ex2. Hot, young and sexy. Couldn't get it up with condoms. Despite this she sticks with me and we end up having some amazing sex over the years. Two years were spent long-distance. The perfect set-up for a porn-addict. After PMOing to my heart's content I would go for a week long-visit, we would screw our brains out and then I could mercifully retreat to my porn once the "novelty" of a live human girl was starting to wear thin. Once we started living together sex was still pretty good but P was lurking in the shadows. I slowed my usage for a while but then started up pretty consistently again, sometimes using every day. I would feign headaches and orgasms to get me through the night sometimes. We were having sex once a week or so. After another year it was down to maybe once every few weeks then a month. I started timing my porn use so my libido would have a few days to recover before the weekend. I got caught a few times and she got hurt but I lied that it wasn't a big problem and she mostly believed me. I ended the relationship over the summer. Unrelated to porn.

I want to be over this before my next relationship. I want to be healthy: mind, body and soul and I want to be emotionally and sexually available to whoever I end up with.

I went a month in Sept without PMO but relapsed. I haven't used in 2012 but the year is young and the temptation is strong. I feel committed to it but it won't be easy.

9 days and counting...

[WayFarerNation]

Congrats on deciding to come here for support in your fight against P. In my mind, your goal of never using P again is going to be tough to make. When I started taking this seriously, I faltered many, many times. When the habit is ingrained and one seeks P as a crutch for failings in life as I have before, it's not so easy to just rip out the behavior entirely in one fell swoop. It takes reasonable expectations and a long term commitment, coupled with the practice of self forgiveness, endurance against shame, persistence, and patience.

Taking P out of my life has required many changes besides just stopping the use of P. I believe we all have underlying reasons why we use P, and it is important to reflect on what makes us use P and make efforts to live a life where P use is not necessary for survival. It has been very difficult for me.

If you want to stop using P, you can. Good luck.

[Teemo]

"I want to be over this before my next relationship. I want to be healthy: mind, body and soul ..."


it is time,

I congratulate you on choosing health of mind, body and soul. It is a big decision, and it is a decision that needs your commitment every day. You need to be willing to do whatever it takes. For me, recovery takes a lot of work. Has it been worth it? You bet it has! Am I "over it" after almost a year of sobriety? No, I'm not. But I am in a completely different place now. I love recovery. I love knowing I am on the right path, even though it is often not easy.

Please look long and hard at why you want to quit. Be very clear with yourself about why it is so important. Make a plan that includes support (hopefully face-to-face) and accountability. Make sure you have eliminated all sources of triggering material. Put all possible obstacles in place between you and porn. Make whatever changes in your routine will support your commitment. It is worth doing this well. A life of freedom is worth everything.

[itistime]

Thanks for the support WFN and Teemo! It is appreciated. I would have replied earlier but I've been traveling.

Despite that I think it's probably better to remain celibate for a few months, I hooked up with a girl I met while traveling and had sex a few times. I experienced a little ED initially but it worked out. Day two the sex was actually very good. It was pretty encouraging actually. It was not solely a physical experience, I think we actually connected emotionally pretty well. However, it did undermine my reboot because my libido returned (sort of) and I masturbated (no porn) the next day. I also looked at a few still images of softcore another time. No masturbation though.

I'm sure that people use P for all sorts of different reasons but I think that I generally have used porn mostly because it generated a very strong neurological response in the reward center of my brain, which then led to addiction. I would like to think of it the same way as quitting smoking. I'm doing this because P has negative consequences for my health (social, physical and mental). That being said, I know that I am more vulnerable to temptation when I am feeling sad or lonely (and especially hungover).

I will try to take the advice to put as many barriers between myself and P as possible but I know it will be impossible to avoid all triggers and it will in the end come down to will power. I am highly motivated to take control of this aspect of my life so here goes nothing!

17 days and counting...

[2frustrated]

Glad you're here. Welcome to the beginning of a life of freedom.

I noticed in your posts that when you talk about relationships, the focus is entirely on sx. Perhaps this is because you're just explaining it in terms of how p has effected your relationships. In that case, it makes sense. Or, do you think it's possible that you do invest an undue portion of your concept of relationships to sx?

[itistime]

Hey 2f, yes it's definitely because p affected that aspect of my relationships the most. I'm also happy to be out of both relationships due to basic compatibility issues, unrelated to p or sex. In both relationships, I was sadly less interested in sex with my partner than p (sort of the opposite problem). As I've mentioned, the main reason I'm quitting p is because of ED. I'm unsure if p has made me more dissociative or disconnected, maybe a little but I still have a very active social life, lots of great friends and I am able to connect with new people. I do believe that p has distorted my sexuality and led me to objectify women to an extent that I am uncomfortable with.

It has been hard to refrain from p the last couple of days but I've managed. It definitely helps to visit this site instead! 19 days!!!

[2frustrated]

Thanks for your honesty, which is a huge part of the recovery process. Your ability to examine yourself without fear is one of your strongest weapons.

P definitely distorts our view of other human beings. I wonder if half of us would be on here if before first looking at p we were issued a

WARNING: Viewing p is highly addictive and will cause you to dehumanize and objectify people and have sx'l disfunctions.