Awareness

[Wishlist]

I was here a few years ago. At the time, I was struggling with quitting alcohol and P at the same time. I guess it was too much to do both. I haven't had a single drink in 5 years, and I am very proud of myself.

P, however, is a different story, altogether. I've been M to images since I was 12 and found my Dad's stash. It's not like it's wrecked my life or anything, but I have spent hours wasting my energy with it, even finding time when my wife would go shopping for a half an hour. I could have been reading or writing music. I think, over time, P dulls you as a person. You lose your edge.

5 years ago, I erased my entire collection, some dating back 10 years. Then, I became weak and slowly began to download more and more, until I had a collection that was 10 times as large. I felt that I needed the release and P was always there for me.

I've deleted it all again. I know I can do this. But when the urge comes again, I have to be strong. It's almost as if I'm a different person when I'm aroused. I need to stay aware and not lose my self.

Awareness is the key...more later.

[JenMac]

Welcome back Wishlist!
Congratulations on quitting alcohol! That is a huge step in a positive direction!
Now you are ready to tackle the P addiction again. Good for you!
I hope you will use the support that is available here to your advantage Wishlist!
So many caring people here who will offer support and guidance to you as you seek to
recover from this soul destroying addiction.
Wishing you strength in recovery!
All the best!
Jenn

[Wishlist]

Thank you, Jenn, Thank you.

Well, as I said, I've been off alcohol for almost five years and it's radically transformed my life. I've felt my soul become purer everyday. And yet, this P addiction was lingering in the background. How could I honestly call myself "pure?" Your description of P as "soul destroying" is SO correct.

P fragments the soul. When people live in duplicity, they are compromising bits of themselves. I'm striving for clarity. I'm taking control of my thoughts. One by one, day by day.

[TYC113]

I am so glad for you, wishlist. I am hoping for the best for you, Wishlist. I am hoping that you can do all the things that you did with alcohol with P as well. I am right here cheering you on through the soul restoring process. Jen is so right about it being soul destroying. P makes people enslaved and lose control. All the things that you described happen to me whenever I watch P. I become a completely different person and lose myself. It's not a good thing at all. It's time we come back and regain our souls. Let's fight!

[Wishlist]

Thank you TYC113. Fight is right. This time I'm willing with all of my heart...no more fragmentation.

[HopefulsRock]

Hello Wishlist... welcome back and congratulations on your success with quitting alcohol and I hope you find the same success with the P & MB. I see you've been around here and this addiction for a few years now so I won't treat you like a newbie and I'll get right to some things I see already.

You said,

It's not like it's wrecked my life or anything

and I think your failing to see that yes it has wrecked your life every time you used it... every time you sought out the P & MB instead of the love and affection of your wife... every time you cheated her out of the love and affection she needs in your relationship... if you or any of us were to continue to act out this addiction we risk losing that love and affection completely in our lives... so maybe you didn't wreck your life all together but how close do you really want to get to that possibility?

Another thing, when you say,

5 years ago, I erased my entire collection, some dating back 10 years.

you make it sound like it was some kind of valuable collection or a family heirloom that dates back. It's more like a pile of trash that was let go for many years until one day you realized what a mess your living in and got enough sense to clean it up only to have it pile up again even larger... then you got your senses back yet again and took out the trash once and for all it sounds like!

Wishlist the best thing you said is this,

I need to stay aware and not lose my self

so very true because it is that due diligence that will get you your edge on life back but even better than before and without the dulling sensation of the P.

Congratulations on finding your way back to this recovery Wishlist and to TTF!

[lost_one]

hey there wishlist..

you seem like a wise guy.. hope you end this one just like you ended the alcohol.. at this stage i would tell you to study this problem as much as you can.. come to this place often.. and try your best to do whats right and required.. all the best from me..

[stillinlove]

Hi Wishlist,
I have been recovered from alcoholism, etc for many years. I found that I had to do the same way with porn - meaning - know that I can never go back to it or it would destroy everything in my life and kill me (suicide). That's it, walk away, never think that eventually I would relapse. It was over. Time to face what I had been stuffing all those years that I thought was too painful.
Put filters on your computer, passwords on phone (have your wife do it), etc. to safe guard yourself (no different from staying out of bars, not having alcohol in home, etc).
The freedom of having a clear head, not having to feel guilty, shameful, etc leaves plenty of room for peace and happiness. Something we all deserve.
Best wishes are with you. Congrats on your 5 years. 5 years is a major turning point in recovery.

[Wishlist]

Thank you, Mark,

Yes, it is crazy how a P collection seems to take on greater significance with each day. What would I be without it? Shouldn't I make a backup in case something happens to it? When in fact, it's something that holds you back. It is a "pile of trash" that needs to be let go.

And it has "wrecked" my life but in way that I can't see in terms of my wife and others. Just because I'm not homeless doesn't mean it hasn't "wrecked" parts of my life. In time, I'll begin to be able to assess the damage.

[Wishlist]

Stillinlove,

It's not easy to include my wife in on this. I've done it before. She's uncomfortable with the topic and has the theory that "All men do it" (P and MB).

I've erased all accounts, profiles, etc. but am shy of putting a filter on the computer. It's not that I'm against them, but I know too many ways around them. I was easily able to get around Netnanny. If I really want to, I can get into almost anything.

The trick is to reprogram my brain into not wanting it. A filter almost puts up a challenge for me, especially if my wife is the gatekeeper.

I'm going to "go it alone" (well, with a little help from all of you, and tell her after I've reached my first month. So I've got 27 days to go.