Day Zero

[THDenver]

Day Zero

(copied from the new member thread)

I'm at the end of my rope. This problem has been plaguing me for almost my entire life, and I don't want to die an old man looking back on a life of lies, and deceit. I'm sick of it, and I need help.

It all started when I was around seven. One of my Uncles had a subscription to Playboy, and anytime I'd go over to his house, my cousins and I would look through the Playboys. Eventually, as I got older I would request to sleep over at their house more and more so I could sneak into the garage and steal some of my Uncles dirty magazines. This stealing of pornography also occurred a local bookstores, and even at airports, and quite frankly I am amazed I was never caught. As I became a pre-teen I discovered the Playboy channel on cable. I would watch the scrambled image, since it was a pay channel, for a glimpse of a nipple. Eventually I befriended a neighbor whose Father had a subscription to the channel, and one day while they were out I broke into their house and took their cable box. I set it up at my house and recorded as much as I could of the channel before it was shut off by the cable company. Once again, not caught. Eventually I began ordering the channel from the cable company we subscribed too, and when I would be asked about it by my parents I would simply reply with a blank stare as if I had no idea what was going on. They put passwords and restrictions on the account, but I always found a way to get around them.

When I became a teenager Bulletin Boards systems were becoming popular. With a 2400K modem I could access a local bulletin board and download all the dirty pictures I wanted, and I did. I eventually even found a list of credit card numbers on one of the BBS and would use those to gain access to Adult pay boards, and phone sex lines. Once again, somehow I evaded being caught. It's funny, I look at all the times as a kid I committed a crime in order to access porn, and I wish I was caught. Something tells me if my parents knew what a problem this was becoming they would've done something about it. When I was in High School, the problem was still there, but now I had to compete with trying to actually worry about dating as well. I remembered going on dates with girls here and there, and being pre-occupied about whether or not it would turn into sex. I wasn't religious then, but I remembered actually praying to God that if he found me a girl to have sex with on a regular basis that I would stop the pornography and stop the masturbation. He answered my request as I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant just after I graduated High School. This was my chance, I thought, to start over. I figured now that I have someone, I don't have to be alone. I don't have to seek sexual pleasure from digital media. And with the birth of my daughter I figured that was even more motivation not to objectify women by watching pornography. Unfortunately my fight was far from over. I took a job at a local video store when I was 19, and the first thing I started doing was taking home porn from the shop. It's not that I wasn't attracted to my girlfriend, now wife, but there was something about watching porn, a feeling it gave me, that I could not replicate with a person.

As I went into college things between my daughters mother and I went south, not necessarily because of the porn, she didn't know, but a variety of factors. Regardless it gave me the opportunity to start surfing what had now evolved into the internet to satisfy my porn addiction. And it's at this point it became worse. I lived alone for a year, and started browsing adds for escorts, and flirting with women on AOL. Eventually my addiction blossomed into bi-curiosity and on several occasions had encounters with other men. Quite frequently I would find that after these encounters my cravings for pornography and sex would dissapear, but only for a week at most. At the time I was also drinking heavily, it was college after all, and as my life sprialed out of control, my daughters Mom accepted me back into her life, and we began anew.

However, once again I couldn't control the cravings. I loved, and still love my wife more than anything. She's an amazing, loving, and absolutely gorgeous woman. But I just had no desire to have sex with her for many years in lieu of watching porn. At this point I was watching it at least three to four times a week and masturbating each time. Our relationship suffered as a result, and it wasn't until about three years after we got married that things changed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, we began to become more affectionate towards eachtoher, and were having sex on a regular basis. She was happy, and I was happy too, because I told myself that as long as my wife and I were having great sex, I could continue with my addiction. What made it so easy for me at that time was that my wife worked nights for many years, and several days of the week my daughter would be out of the house, so I would lose HOURS upon HOURS searching for and watching porn. Even having the best sex of my life, couldn't cure me of my addiction. I also around this time started having sex with escorts, and other men that I would find online, anything to get a fix you know. I even contracted genital warts, and gave my wife the HPV virus which caused a cervical cancer scare. She never found out why it all occurred.

I made a valiant attempt to desist a few years ago, and saw a therapist. All I wanted to do on that first session was talk, and for him to listen. Instead, in the first five minutes of my story, he began to try to sell me workbooks, and register me for a support group that came with weekly costs. It's not what I wanted, and definitely not what I needed. So I convinced myself I could quit without any support. And once again, I was wrong.

My health has been in decline over the last two years because of some issues with my colon, and I had to have most of it removed last October. I thought this was my chance, once again to quit. I'd have a week long hospital stay, followed by a few months of recovery, with an Ostomy bag sticking out of my stomach. I was ok, for the first few weeks, but once my wife would leave for school, I just got right back into the habit, moving my ostomy bag out of site when I watched porn so it wouldn't distract me. Just had my second surgery to remove the bag a few weeks ago, and once again I though another fresh start because my wife would be out of school for a few weeks and I wouldn't get a chance to browse the internet for porn. But then I realized I could get everything I wanted on my smartphone, and just duck into the bathroom for a few minutes without anyone knowing. As of the last week I've been up to watching porn and masturbating almost two to three times a day, despite the fact that I'm still not medically cleared for sexual activity, and despite the fact the I'm suffering from retrograde ejaculation from the surgery.

I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I want my to start living my life. I'm 34 now, and this all started when I was 7. Like I said, I don't want to look back on my life and see the double life I led, and the time I lost due to porn. I want to go to a support group, but I can't leave my house for awhile without being driven, and I need to do something now. I'm hoping I can get at least some help here. Thank you for taking the time to read my story, and please share your thoughts with me. I need something.

[THDenver]

"Don't try to be a great man, just be a man. And let history make its own judgments" -Zefram Cochrane

It's gonna sound dumb, but the above is actually a quote from the film Star Trek: First Contact. I watched it the other day while continuing my surgery recovery from bed. I had seen the movie a few times already, but the quote resonated with me this time. As I woke up on day one, I had no idea that I was going to try to begin this journey to addiction recovery again, today. I woke up in bed around 10:30, my wife had already been awake. The night before I had dreams about being in a shopping mall, and having been able to lucid dream from time to time one of the first things I'd always do is find women to grope and try to have sex with. So when I woke up I already had it implanted in my mind that I was going to find something to watch and masturbate to. As I layed in bed I browsed porn on my mobile phone. Lately, I've been nostalgic with my porn, rewatching some of the scenes and starletts I grew up watching in the late 80's early 90's. And as I finally found the scene that I wanted to watch, my wife walked in. I put my phone down as if I was browsing facebook as she got into bed with me. She gave me a big kiss and cuddled up to me and said she didn't want to leave the bed with me today. She's a very affectionate and loving woman, and I love her so very much. But as was the case in the past she was standing in between me and my fix. After about an hour in bed, I began to fall back asleep, and she got up to go downstairs. As soon as she left the room I went into the bathroom with my smartphone and did what I intended to do.

"Don't try to be a great man, just be a man..." echoed through my brain in those early hours. "How could I even begin to try to be a great man, I'm not even close to being a man?" I thought to myself. And that's when it hit me. This is the time, I need to change, and I need to do it NOW. I've tried quitting in the past, sometimes even made it a few months, but this time I hoped would be different. After my less than favorable encounter with the therapist a few years back I had resolved to do this on my own, as he told me "No one has ever quit on their own". I though that was dumb, because I'm not "no one" I thought, I'm some one different. I had plans to go back to that therapist a few years after quitting and saying "See I did it on my own!". But today, I realized that wouldn't be possible. Been there done that, didn't work. So I used my phone for something else, to seek out help. And that's when I found these forums.

The first thing I did was wrote a new member introduction, putting in words what my experience has been over the past 27 something years. I've never had a chance to write it down, and doing so felt amazingly therapeutic, as I feel doing this journal will help as well. After re-reading what I wrote in the new member introductions a few times over, something felt different. I was reading my story, but I also felt like and observer looking in at my life. For the first time, I really understood the severity of what's been going on.

I was able to leave the house today with my wife and daughter and run to the store. It's hard for me to get up and be active for more than a few hours since recovering from this surgery, so sometimes just going shopping is a nice escape. As soon as we walked into the grocery store I immediatly overheard a mother talking with her daughter who was referring to her as "hot mama", I turned around a noticed that she indeed was indeed nice to look at, and almost instantly I found myself flooded with thoughts of some of my favorite pornstars and scenes. I did everything I could to push them out of my head, and for the most part I think I was successful, but everytime that lady was near me, I caught a glimpse. I read something from someone on this forum last night in a "tips" thread that said "To look once is human, to look twice is a problem." I'm going to try to live by that, and no let my urges get the best of me.

The rest of the day I was able to resist any sort of temptation, until my wife and I were getting ready for bed. As I put my PJs on my wife grabbed at my crotch and started talking dirty to me. In the past I have more or less turned her sexually into what I so often desired, and I feel like it's misdirected our love making as she thinks I want to have porn like sex every time we make love. She talked to me about what we would do when I get the clearance to be sexually active again. In the past her and I have recorded videos together and I had even watched those in lieu of having sex with her. Images of those videos went through my head. Like a lightswitch I shut them out, and took her into my arms and said, "We don't need to do any of that, when I'm better I just want to be as close to you as possible, that's all." She smiled and teared up a little bit, as if she's been waiting for me to say that for along time. Even thought it's hard for me to do with my incisions in my stomach, we went to bed holding eachother, and I slept without any dirty dreams, and woke up without and dirty thoughts. I'm looking forward to day 2.

[Charly22]

I'm sure she's been waiting quite a while to hear you say that. I imagine the two of you touched on something that is the most beautiful aspect the two of you can share together. If you can always go there first, everything else will fall into place.

[WayFarerNation]

Good job. You have the ability to be very open about it, which is what also helped me get through it in the beginning. Sometimes I would share that I was trying to stop using P with people I cared about like my mom and some of my friends, along with making the commitment on these forums. This got the ball rolling in making me accountable for my actions and gave me a reason to resist temptation.

Last week I M'd for the first time in 6 months, and I immediately resolved to share it with my parents and the forums. The guilt and shame went away much faster than it used to. Helping others along also makes me feel I need to keep moving forward further and further away from ever using P again. Good job on sharing that with your wife, I thought that was really cool.

[THDenver]

New Years Eve

As I wrote in my previous post I started the day without any deviant sexual thoughts, and was able to keep my mind occupied for most of the day up until the afternoon. This night we are taking our daughter to a New Years Eve Anime Ball at a hotel out her in Denver. She's meeting up with some friends there, and her Mom and I will watch the New York NYE festivities from the comfort of our hotel room with our dogs. I've brought some extra medication to make my physical pain a little more pleasant during the stay, and we planned to sit at the bar and watch some of the costumes from couch at the hotel bar.

This was an all ages event, with most of the people being in the 16-25 range. I'm not going to lie, there were some girls in some...um "provocative" outfits. But I was able to keep my eyes, and my love focused on my family, right where it needed to be. Despite all of the "eye candy" I really had no problems throughout the remainder of the night, and really feel like last night was a major victory. While there were moments throughout the day where I would think about a certain pornstar or scene, I'm now empowered enough to push them right out. I want this more than anything, and I feel like it's an attainable goal.

My only concern is that I've made it this far before, without too much of an issue. It's the coming weeks and months that scare me. I have a doctors appointment on the 18th, and I'm hoping to get the clearance to start returning to normal activity soon thereafter. I'm a runner, and the only thing I dreamed about more than sex during my recovery from surgery was running. I feel like once I'm able to start running again, that will be another powerful tool in my fight against my addiction.

Here's to the end of 2011, another year of struggles with my addiction, but hopefully I'll be able to look back on it as the year that I made the decision to change my life for the better and move on. And a new start with 2012!

[THDenver]

New Years Day

Day three started out with a drive back from the hotel to home. I haven't been out of the house that long since my last surgery, and it was definitely a nice change of pace, but it took ALOT out of me. So as soon as we got home I needed to nap, and I did. When I awoke my wife was laying next to me in bed, also napping. I cuddled up next to her, and went back to sleep for a little bit. When I woke up again, she was staring at me with tears in her eyes. She told me how much she loved me, and how she hated seeing me go through what I was going through with my recovery from surgery. It was a very emotional moment for both of us, and despite not having the clearance from the doctors we became lightly intimate for the first time since my first surgery in October. It was, in my mind, the perfect way to start out 2012, and the perfect start to my addiction recovery.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, as usual every once in awhile flashes of p-stars or particular scenes would go through my head, only to be pushed back out quickly. Once my daughter went to sleep my wife and I decided to catch up on the new season of Dexter. Unfortunately for me there was a new guest actress that happened to be my type, and I had a hard time avoiding thinking about looking up some photos. Added on to this was something that my wife said as we were going to bed, "tomorrow I need to get some work done at your mom's house so I'll be gone for most of the day." I knew the next day would be tough, as a good friend once said to me when she talked with me about her boyfriends p addiction, not knowing about mine, "Loneliness is his biggest enemy". And just like with him, being alone is a killer for me. I resolved to stay strong as I went to sleep.

[THDenver]

Day Four

Guess what has two thumbs and relapsed yesterday? This guy. :(

I shouldn't joke about it. But I"m trying to remain positive. I knew that I would have a relapse, or two, but knowing that also in a way made it easier to relapse. I've had that problem in the past too, and one of the few things that helped me when I would get really strong cravings when I was alone was going for a run, an option that isn't yet available to me. The funny thing about "relapsing" that I'm sure others experience, as you begin looking at P, or doing whatever your addiction is, it's like you're on the outside looking in. Your brain is screaming at you to stop, but for some reason you just keep going through the same routine, and at the end, it's never worth it. I felt shame, especially since I wanted to begin 2012 P free. But sharing it here, and admitting to it definitely helps me feel better about it. I know as long as I continue to resolve to end this addiction I will.

I was alone for most of the day when the relapses happened. I'm alone for most of the day today as well, and while there hasn't been any thoughts of P going through my head, I figured I'd make TTF my homepage, so next time I fire up my browser looking for P, I'll instead make a journal post or sit in chat. Once I'm able to run again, it'll be easy for me to channel those feelings into a nice long run.

Last night we continued to watch Dexter and I was able to pay attention without thinking too much about the "guest actress". The show itself has alot of interesting things to say about addiction and living a double life. There was an episode we watched last night in particular which dealt with growing old alone, looking back on a double life, which coincidentally is my biggest fear. It gave me alot to think about, and thankfully today has been P free. I'm going to try to make a run to the store with my wife when she gets home, and hopefully the rest of today will be uneventful. Yesterday, is already....well yesterday. I've got nothing but momentum moving forward.

[2frustrated]

Your wife is a real treasure, and I enjoyed reading your story--how you were high school sweethearts and stayed together all this time. You're both very blessed to have each other.

I like your attitude. Being able to joke about this problem we have is helpful. It helps us to see what p is: a joke. It's a banal, stupid thing that each of us has allowed to grow into a monster.

Hang in there. Fight the good fight. And keep posting!

[WayFarerNation]

...Unfortunately for me there was a new guest actress that happened to be my type, and I had a hard time avoiding thinking about looking up some photos. Added on to this was something that my wife said as we were going to bed, "tomorrow I need to get some work done at your mom's house so I'll be gone for most of the day." I knew the next day would be tough, as a good friend once said to me when she talked with me about her boyfriends p addiction, not knowing about mine, "Loneliness is his biggest enemy". And just like with him, being alone is a killer for me. I resolved to stay strong as I went to sleep...

James Allen, in his book, "As a Man Thinketh," talks about how important our thoughts are when it comes to doing the things we do. When I have thoughts, especially when they are combined with a strong emotional charge, I can be fairly certain that my thoughts are going to somehow develop into some kind of action, whether it is communicated or not, and whether I know it or not. It's really hard to be perfectly self reflective because it gets intense sometimes.

If I have thoughts about being lonely I try to direct them into something positive I can do to change that. It's pretty solid that P is not a satisfactory solution to my loneliness, so I promise myself I'll find another way. Slowly over time, I yield to what feels right, and the actions that are produced tend to solve the problem without resorting to P as the solution. This is why patience is so important for me.

I don't have a wife, but if I did, and she told me she loved me all the time, I would consider verbalizing my thoughts of loneliness and my temptation to look at P when she's gone the next day. This would show her that I'm serious about P being a difficult thing for me to deal with and give me more reason not to look at it the next day.

So basically, making myself as vulnerable as possible to the ones I love, and committing to positive changes in behavior with patience have been two of the cornerstones to my success so far.

[THDenver]

Thank you both of you for your encouragement and support. I really appreciate it.

It's not necessarily the loneliness that's getting to me. It's the fact that I have the opportunity to look at p when I'm alone, that's the killer. The computer is in a fairly puplic place in the house, so it's not something I can do discretely, unless it's on my phone.

Also, I haven't yet shared this with my wife. We have a really really strong relationship, but telling her about this is would destroy us. On one hand I know she would appreciate the sincerity, but on the other I know she'd blame herself, and it would take years to build that trust back up, and I know it's something that she doesn't need at this point in her life. As long as the lie continues I know I'll continue to lead a somewhat double life, either the life of an addict, or the life of a recovering addict. But like I said, I just feel likes it's not the right time.