my struggle starts here

[ED harris]

ok, this (last resort) is my introduction so i wont repeat it here

today is actually my 4th day of PMO freedom after too many attempts till now... usually i relapse either after 5 days or 10 days max with record of 14 days but that was at the moment i realised i'm PA and since then i cant reach that milestone

whats the big problem for me... well there are several... first, i cant read newspaper because when i see a girl, even clothed i'm already in problems ... second, i can bypass any protection and filters when i'm willing to, and i cant control it when i get cravings... third, i'm completely alone in this, nobody knows it except me and you here now

today i saw something that almost made me lose all the effort... actually i'm quite aware of situation and in other situations i show almost whats called military discipline in behavior but in this situation even after 10 days of abstaining i cant resist to relapse... which i'm aware it is so stupid but cant help it

btw. being that tech savvy i know whats good help in controlling some sources of materials so now i have unbreachable password on K9... with email registered to it that is not usable anymore (10 minute mail)... also i cut all the HDD cables in pc so i cant use cd-rom for deleting windows and therefore disabling K9... also i reccomend that you somehow block the K9 website because if you can reach it, you can disable filter lol ... i'm crazy

well.. lets see what good will this journal bring to me and hopefully to you and others coming here for advice

[JenMac]

Hi ED Harris!
Welcome to TTF! I am glad you are here. It speaks to your knowledge of what this addiction is doing to you in your life. The fact that you have recognized and acknowledged this to be a HUGE problem in your life is in fact the first steps to working yourself towards recovery.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action. The first 3 steps on the road to recovery in any addiction. You are on step 3.
And EDH, that is commendable at your young age! There are many here who are much older and who did not come to this realization on their own. They had to be brought to that realization by a partner and their pain. Even after discovery it took time for the effects of this to really hit home.
I suspect it will be a lot the same for you as you move forward. You are noticing the obvious affects (ED) but perhaps some of the more subtle things will come to you with time. In fact I am certain that will be true. What you are filling your mind with when you are viewing P can not help but change the way you think and feel. And not in a good way I am afraid.
EDH, I welcome you here. Listen and learn! There is a wealth of knowledge here, as well as compassion and support. The fact that you can be here and share with others who know what you are experiencing can have huge affects on healing and recovery from the soul destroying addiction.
Good for you for taking those first steps!!
Jenn

[Rockinastorm]

Hey Harris,

I am glad you are here at ttf.
In my own recovery I have found that asking questions can help focus my recovery efforts. So I wanted to ask you some questions, which of course, if they are too uncomfortable, you don't need to answer publicly. They are for your benefit afterall.

First, in your introduction post, you said that you wanted to be free of this addiction by 1/4/2012. Since that is less than a week away, I wanted to ask you what is so special about that date? I haven't seen others set specific dates to be recovered by.

How do you know that you will be fully recovered?

Will you continue to work on your path to recovery if you miss your deadline? I only ask because addictions take time to recover from, and you gave yourself under a week to recover.

Why do you want to recover? You mentioned that E.D. was one of the problems you were experiencing, but there might be other things that add extra motivation for you, and these things will help you turn away from P when it is tempting you the most.

I hope you can find some time to meditate on these questions and any questions you might have, because its hard to find answers without asking the questions; you might not even know what you are looking for. Good luck with everything.

Rockinastorm

[ED harris]

thank you for reading my introduction post and helping

now... there is a slight misunderstanding... 01/04/2012 is not in january, i meant april... thats about 100 days... most of the recoveries i have read, say that about 3 months of full abstaining from PMO result in recovery and therefore i have a 100 days milestone to reach

now you asked why do i want to recover... well ED is the biggest reason for sure because it limits my normal life, but also PA has several bad effects just like most of the PA people recognize... therefore i recognized myself as a PA while reading symptoms of others like low self esteem, depression, lack of libido, social problems and so on... i know that it can be a cause of other psychological issues but i didnt experience that before PA so now i'm sure i'm PA :)

one of the biggest worries i have is this ED... it would help me A LOT if people who have experienced it before recovery would share some experiences with me (i have searched forum for that but i didnt find much myself) ... to be honest i'm still quite doubtful if the recovery will help in my case although it's so similar to the others... still i'm going to try my best to abstain

well i wish you all a happy new year 2012 and hopefully you will party all night long ;)

[ED harris]

omg, i couldnt believe to start new year so bad... slipped on the 6th day... i dont know why this happened... i'm so sorry... lets go once again... i hope this never repeats again