SecondEntendre - my road to recovery

[secondentendre]

Hi guys and gals, I'm starting my recovery journal. I will try to make this as honest as I can. Right now to me sobriety means being free from paying for sex. I am, however, going to take the advice I've received here and in some SA meetings and attempt to free myself from P as well.

So to start. As of right now I am 8 days sober from PFS and 12 hours from P. Because going cold turkey from P seems impossible--and I realized how difficult it is last night when I did a "select all" in one of my P folders and tried to delete everything but couldn't--I'm going to try it differently. I did a quick scan and deleted about 8 videos. Spitting on a fire. However, I feel like the moments after MB are the ones where I'm most comfortable deleting my P. I'm going to try to delete as much as I can during these moments. Letting go is SO DIFFICULT, though. I have some videos that I consider "the best" and these are the ones that will be most difficult to delete.

Oddly enough I do not consider MB an addiction. Three times a week, sometimes less sometimes more, does not bother me, although the fact that I spend considerable amounts of time finding the material online does.

There is a sick circular balance at play. It has no beginning because it is intertwined with everything. Let me try to explain. I guess PFS happens when I haven't MB in a few days, two or three, and I end up thinking about all the things I want to do sexually. If the planets happen to align, I'll end up taking a trip to those places and paying. So I have recently started to MB to P about every night so that that urge doesn't build up. I suppose if I cut out the P and would MB without it, I could have the same effect. I just don't know. I don't have the same arousal without P and it's depressing and that's when in my mind I start thinking "well if another person did it, it would be so much better." I should try to find a partner, and I am in pursuit of that, but paying is so much easier. Also because of all the P i've immersed myself in over the years, I have trouble sometimes when having sex in a relationship. When I start seeing someone I cut out the MB and let that desire build up just in case I'm going to have sex. Then when it doesn't happen I'm all loaded up and always end up PFS.

How to cut a hole into this routine? I guess I should work on figuring that out.

For now that's where I stand, but at least I'm working on cutting down the P.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Second... I just want to let you know that you won't explode by abstaining all together and in my opinion that is what you need to do.

You are not thinking straight about any of it... women and respect for them, relationships, love and especially s*x. Finding a partner right now would not work out well and just like PFS, MB and P it will just send you deeper in the wrong direction. In my opinion you have to work your way through this and delete all the crap that's warping your judgement and then put in safeguards to prevent new crap from attaching itself to you. I know you think you need it just like a drug addict feels they can't get by without it especially when the depression sets in but this crap is actually just feeding the addiction and sending you further into that depression.

SecondEntendre... I believe this means it's your second attempt to listen and try to understand this addiction? A very difficult task but also very doable and I'm just trying to lead you in what I feel is the right direction. We're all here for the same reason so you're not alone so stop by here as often as needed and find someone to lean on or if you're doing well maybe someone can lean on you...

...that's TTF my friend, Welcome!

[secondentendre]

Ok so I have a week and three days w/o PFS and like a day and a half w/o P. This would be fine except that I'm starting to feel really bad about another issue and I feel it may affect my resolve, although I'm not sure why.

Earlier today I was talking to a friend of mine that I've known for about 7 months. She had been away traveling and came back about 2 months ago. We had started hanging out a lot and talking almost every day via the internet and texts. I would see her maybe around once a week. I had the feeling she liked me more than a friend but I didn't quite feel the same way. Two or three weeks ago we had a drunken makeout thing that made things really awkward. I thought she was going to forget about it, but today she told me that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She basically said she couldn't be my friend without wanting more, so either we stopped talking completely or moved our relationship forward. I wasn't prepared to do that, so it looks like the friendship is over.

I feel really bummed out about it and instantly in my mind I started thinking about doing all the things I'm trying to avoid. It's like an excuse in my head to act out. This sucks. I guess venting about it here helps. And I know what this means is that since I won't have her around to hang out with, I'm going to have free time that could very easily turn into bad time. I wonder how to best deal with this: by seeking out my other friends to hang out with and pass the time even if I'm not having a great time, or to try to become a hermit or something and stay home and try to fill my time with other things. Here we go.

[2frustrated]

P always tries to get us when we're feeling stressed or down. So you can be rest assured that we all know what you're going through. I know you're thinking, "Why is p trying to pull me in now?" But p has always been calling you at times like this; you just failed to take note of your emotions because you were so set on looking at p. Now that you're abstaining, you're extra sensitive to what you're feeling right now.

As for what to do with your time: Do you have hobbies? Is there something you've always wanted to do or finish but never had the chance to? I'd love to hear about it!

[secondentendre]

As for what to do with your time: Do you have hobbies? Is there something you've always wanted to do or finish but never had the chance to? I'd love to hear about it!

I actually keep myself pretty busy all the time. I play basketball once or twice every week. I ride my bike throughout the city a couple of times a week. I usually go out on weekends, so I'm not just hanging around at home.

But you're right. I should focus on things I've wanted to do. I have tons of reading I've been wanting to complete. I tend to start reading a couple of books at a time and never finish any of them =/

Also I have had an idea for a short film that I've been wanting to make. It's nothing serious, just for fun, nothing fancy. I would be filming it with my camera phone or one of those flip cams. But I have been putting it off for several months now. I was thinking about this just last night and I think I made a decision on the script. And just for giggles let me quickly describe the idea. It'll probably help me to actually write something down about it:
It is a black and white film, sort of employing/mocking the style of those old time foreign films where someone is staring off into the distance, almost completely still, and speaking very thick abstract or philosophical nonsense about human existence and the insignificant way they feel about everything (don't worry it's a love story!). So the thing about it is, someone will be speaking in spanish and I'll have the english subtitles be the opposite of what is being said. The second person will be speaking english with spanish subtitles. Eventually they will meet and ---something will happen. Not sure yet.

.....also the 'stars' in my film won't be human. I'll leave it at that. If I ever get around to making it, I'll see if I can show it here.

[HopefulsRock]

hey Second... I was thinking about your friend who wanted more of a relationship and she might be able to get back to just being friends in time. Can you tell any of your other friends about it just so they know why you might be a little bummed ...just a thought?


Keep working on that short film I like the idea and that's a great use of your mind, the opposite subtitles is very creative. I think your abstaining from other things may have free'd up the use of your whole mind and now you're suddenly thinking a lot clearer...
...good stuff my friend!

[secondentendre]

Arg. I think karma slapped me in the face last night. I had just gotten out of my SA meeting, where I had been talking about how I've come to realize that I tend to lust after women or something. I catch myself staring at them sometimes, and sometimes I'll change my route to maybe get a better look. I used to think that I was trying to see if there was an opportunity to talk to them, but I never do anyway...
So last night coming out of the meeting, I was riding my bicycle home and I passed by a CVS store. There was a woman walking in and I tried to get a good look even though I was a bit far away. It was stupid. It was pointless. It's not like I could've even seen her face clearly. Well at the very next stop light, my foot got stuck in my pedal and I fell to the side, injuring my knee and my ankle. Several cars saw it happen. I was so embarrassed and I thought to myself, "yep. just desserts."

But I'm still doing ok with the P and PFS at least.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Second

Lust, oh I do know what you are saying. Everything that you wrote here, is as if I wrote it myself. I have wasted more gas in my truck, making those u-turns, to get another look at the person. And as for the women at the CVS, I would have in the past, drove back to the store, and gone in, just to get a better look.

Some how, all of us, needs to find the right way to deal with lust. and for me, it is a hard one to overcome. I am a year free from my addiction, but I still do have some lust issues, I need to deal with. and yes, at times I do catch myself, still wanting to do that u turn, to get another look, but, I do stop myself. If I do not keep this problem with lust, under control, then I will not be able to keep control over my recovery at all. I do not understand why it is, that us men feel, we have the right to look. lust, undress any woman, that does not belong to us. Now that I am in recovery, I have learned that I am an addict, and this addiction, allows me to do things, that are very wrong for me to do.

What I try to do now, along with many others here, is when I see a woman that catches my eyes, and I start having thoughts, I have to remind myself, the she is Someones Daughter, Mom,Sister, Aunt, Wife, and then I think how I would feel, if I saw a man like us, looking at them, the way we are looking at them. I have been known to chase men down in the parking lot, for the way they looked at my SO and my Daughter.

So lust is just something that you/we need to work on. it is hard at times, but yet, it can be done, if you work at it, as hard as you can.

And now you know just how pointless it is to lust over someone, because you damn near broke your knee and ankle because of it. The stupid things we do, for a cheap thrill.

I am happy to see that you are still doing fine in your recovery, and I do hope you continue in doing so. And I thank you for your honest post here second. if we are not honest in our recovery, we will never make it.

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[2frustrated]

What a neat film idea. I'd edit it for you if I actual had a useful editing program (I only have MovieMaker). You should think about starting it soon. I'd be willing to look over the script when you write it.

Read those books! Any good ones you'd like to recommend?