First Post Here - 66 yr. old man

[Isaac]

I'm Isaac - 66 years old, a widower, with two children still at home. I've slid in and out of p & m behavior during the past 40 years, and find myself back in the soup. I found the Tony Litster "Cure the Craving" online recovery program, and am really impressed with it so far. I think I need a wider circle of support, however, am am hoping to find people on this website with whom to share support.

My excuse for returning to p & m was that since my wife has passed on, i'm no longer betraying anyone with this behavior. I somehow managed to ignore the fact that i still have two children living at home with me, and have a responsibility to them. When I think of one of them finding the sites I visited, I feel sick with humiliation and shame, and know they deserve to have a father about whom they can feel proud.

Just as important, however, is my realization that I have been betraying myself every time I've returned to p & m over the years. I want to spend my remaining time on the planet doing things about which I feel good, and that very obviously excludes p & m.

I have been embarrassed about my own father's sexually compulsive behavior most of my life. Now in his 90's, his caregivers report that they need to knock on his door before entering, unless they want to be embarrassed by what is on his computer screen. I want this to stop with me - now.

I'm looking for support - giving as well as receiving. I'm so grateful to be here, and grateful that there is a site like this - as well as Tony Litster's "Cure the Craving." Today is Day 1 of my sexual sobriety!

[HopefulsRock]

Welcome Isaac... and thank you for sharing your story with us. After hearing about your Dad i guess this addiction knows no age limits. In looking for support you have certainly joined a good community for that. I understand your excuse for starting back up but I admire your reason for needing to quit for the sake of your kids

they deserve to have a father about whom they can feel proud.

and for yourself. Glad to have you aboard here as we can always use another member for support in this struggle.

[Isaac]

Rock -
Thanks so much for the welcome! I was more than a bit hesitant to post here, but your welcome and comments make it clear that I've come to the right place. Thanks!

Isaac

[ocja0201]

So long as you are still breathing it is never to late to turn over a new leaf. Welcome Isaac, it takes a lot of courage to stand up and admit you have a problem, that truly is half the battle, and I am happy for you.

God Bless,

~J

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Isaac! We are glad you are here!
I hope you find TTF to be the blessing in your life that it has been to my husband mac and I.
Wishing you all the best as you find your way to recovery!
Jenn

[truetome]

Hi Isaac,
Welcome to TTF. If you are looking for support in beating this awful addiction you have found the right place. I have joined TTF almost 2 months ago (Wow that went quick) and have found the individuals here to be loving, caring and nurturing in my recovery. Currently I am 3 years free from P and 20 months sober from mb. By adding this tool to my recovery it has allowed me to draw from the strength of not only fellow addicts but the SO's of addicts as well. You mentioned you realize you are betraying yourself by using p and mb. It is no different than a substance addiction that causes isolation, numbness and retratction from what is important in life. It distorts reality and lures people into a false sense of gratification. As I have read so many others write before "I am sorry you have to be here", but since you are you will find few better places to be in recovering from this addiction. You are definitely not alone here and for me that is important because I cannot do this alone!
God Bless - Matt

[Isaac]

It's the morning of Day 2 of sobriety - this time. Thanks much to the people who have welcomed me and given support! It feels so powerful to be able to get support in this struggle that cannot be talked about with family, casual friends, or FB!

I am not experiencing the "high" of my sobriety this time, but i think that's because I've been in this place several times before. I know that it will be somewhat "easy" the first few days and weeks of my once-again new-found sobriety. At the same time, I'm watching more carefully this time for the little cracks and crevices where dishonesty creeps in to my thinking. In the past I characteristically chose to ignore these momentary experiences, sweeping them into a corner where even I might not notice them.

This morning, as I stood in the porch, seeing my daughter off to catch her school bus, I noticed a woman walking down the sidewalk, my eyes following her those few extra seconds . . . it hasn't reached 20 degrees yet here this morning, and the woman was well-dressed for the cold. But when I had a conversation with myself about the experience, it was clear that had the person walking by my house been a man, my eyes would not have followed him for the extra few seconds. Part of me already wants to say, "Oh, come on! There can't be anything wrong with noticing a woman bundled in winter clothes!"

But if I'm to heal from this odious illness, I need to be aware of those voices within me that want to minimize and craftily move back to my familiar behavior patterns for dealing with pain, loneliness, anger and fear. And just as important - for me - it is critical that I don't condemn or take a harshly judgmental attitude toward these parts - but that instead I attempt to embrace them, hold them close to me and have a conversation about what's going on. I need to find new ways to "be there" for those hurting parts, without being tricked into using their old ways to deal with the pain.

I'm grateful to be here, and thrilled to be feeling like I'm not alone with this!

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Hey Isaac,

I want to just take the time to welcome you here to TTF. You will find that we are a very supportive and loving family here. You will see that this is the safest place that you can be at, to be able to talk about this addiction. In the real world, when it comes to family members, friends, and so fourth, it is hard to talk to them, because they do not understand the power of this addiction, and many may just think we are nuts, because to them, there is nothing wrong in viewing P.

I just want you to know, that you can over come this crap, and you will be able to keep it out of your life for a very long time. Sure it requires work, and very hard work at times, but as you do better in your recovery, you will see, that this work, no matter how hard it may seem at times, is well worth the hard work.

If you haven't already done so, now is a time, that if you have any file on your computer, that you can get to, you need to get rid of them. I say this, because if you have those files, when temptations hit, you will look at them.

A filter is always a good idea, to keep us from going to sites, that can take us back to the darkness of this addiction.

There will be more things that we suggest you do in your recovery. and we only tell you things, because all of us here, wants nothing more, than seeing you free from this crap.

Hearing you say that you stood watching your as she caught the school but, sounded nice. when I read that, it made me see, that besides doing this for yourself, you have her to thank about, because our kids, still need us in there lives. and this addiction, can interfere with being that great wonderful father, that we need to be

I wish you the best my friend, in your recovery. we are here for you, and you are not alone in this, and never will be, as long as you are here.

I am 55 years old, with over 40 years with this crap in my life, and I am damn proud to tell you, that I have been free for a year now. I have never, and I mean NEVER, felt this good about life, as I do now. If I can do it, then you will be able to do it.

Will be looking forward in reading more from you Isaac.

Again welcome to your new family

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[HopefulsRock]

Hey Isaac I see your experience shining through already and thank you for that little conversation with yourself (and us) because it shares a lot of insight to what goes on at times in our own minds. You know when you said this,

I am not experiencing the "high" of my sobriety this time

I guess there is quite a bit of liberation that goes with having the veil lifted and finally seeing things and life with a clear mind but after that and now the only "High" I want to feel from being free of this addiction is just that of me holding my head high... that's enough for me!

[HopefulsRock]

I just had to comment on Truetome's ending comment and as it truly gave me goosebumps...

You are definitely not alone here and for me that is important because I cannot do this alone!

here, here Matt I'm with you on that one!