The road to happiness is paved with tears...

[davidswan]

Well here is my first journal entry. THANK YOU TTF for the platform to express myself and get positive feedback

It has been 3 days P and MB free.

After being caught many times before by my SO she gave me a choice, HER or P. How does my brain not comprehend that? Is she not the love of my life? Of course she is. She is the mother of our children, my best friend, my souls' mate. So why did I test her? She caught me saturday night, found P on the laptop. In a way I feel as if I sabbotaged myself on purpose. I wanted to reach out to her and be completely honest, but could not gather the courage. Every time she has confronted the problem in the past I would deny, justify, shift blame. Not this time. I have made myself physically ill from this addiction. Yep, just like heroin, my body could not keep up with my addiction.

I was told of this study done on lab rats where their pleasure sensor in their brain was wired to a button. At first they were only rewarded for completing task to see if they would do it faster or better next time. Well the scientist decided to see what would happen if the rats had total control of the button. All the rats did was sit there and push the button. Well eventually they became antisocial, stopped eating, and died! This is kind of whats happening to me.

I am going to beat this by setting goals, and immediatly reacting to triggers by involving myself in a healthy activity.


My goals are to eat better, although I don't eat too bad now (no fast food and all groceries ordered through a local organic CSA), To meditate for at least 30 minutes a day, and to spend as much quality time with my children as I can. (oh yeah, and keeping this public journal)

To all other PAs out there I strongly recommend visiting Tony Litsters site curethecraving.com

[davidswan]

Its day 4 P free, day 3 without my family.

Woke up feeling completely drained, depressed, and tempted. Found it really hard to meditate this morning. Maybe i can try later. I need to eat but have no appitite.
This sucks. Can't stop sobbing. We will see where today takes me. I need to gather my thoughts and focus on work right now.

[ocja0201]

Hello davidswan,

I don't believe I have had a chance to welcome you to TTF...so Welcome! I know you will find a lot of support and wisdom on these forums. It is a great place to express yourself amongst those who truly understand this ailment, both from the eyes of PA's like yourself, and also from the SO's point of view.

The ancient Romans had a saying poached from an even older Greek idea, "Mens sana in corpore sano." It roughly translates, a healthy mind in a healthy body. Having the mental fortitude to be able to hone your physic can definitely have some cross though into your current state of moral dystrophy. Plus exercising and eating healthy, meaning hitting the four major food groups adequately without crossing your caloric threshold, will just make you feel a whole lot better in the long run. In regards to eating 'organic' food I would suggest you read this article it will probably end up saving you a lot of money. *******************

Don't let feelings of shame and worthlessness drag you back down into the quagmire, in many ways grief can become it's own vice. Always remember that the night is darkest before dawn. Things will not immediately be hunky dory as soon as you have a change of heart and this is very important to remember. Liken the damage done to a deep wound, usually it doesn't take too long for the body to close up the wound so that to all outward appearances everything seems fixed. Yet recovering full function of the affected area takes far longer. Fully understanding the damage done, will better help you put the healing process into proper perspective.

God Bless,

~J

[davidswan]

Day 6

Lifestyle changes start today! After the best nights sleep i've had in a week I started the day with a smoothie instead of the usual 2 cups of coffee. Still kinda wanted some caffeine but did not give in.

Having trouble quieting my brain for meditation. Too much going on right now. Work is super hectic, and my SO is still not talking to me.

I just ordered Tony Litsters program and am very excited, anxious, and nervous to see what I learn from him.

Time to go to sleep...RELAX...

[davidswan]

7

Reality check! "Because you are so consumed with yourself?"
My wife's response to me forgetting about her jewelry show tonight. Here I am being super selfish thinking she is picking up shifts to avoid talking to me. On top of that she is dressed to a T, and I start thinking "what if she's going on a date". WOW. I've known about this event for months. I was supposed to go with her. That is, of course, before my slip up.
I am so consumed with learning about how to rid this evil filth from my life I failed to recognize that she is hurting just as much if not more than I am. Is there any way to balance her healing and mine in the same house? We have two children under 5. I work days monday thru friday, she works saturday and sunday all day (12hrs/day). To me this seems to be the perfect recipe to never have time for us to discuss what direction we are heading.

In the meantime I am continuing with my new habits. Meditating, no caffeine and a green smoothie to start my day!

Got Tony's CDs today. First step: Weeding your garden.
how much does our past affect our present? A whole lot if you let it! I am slowly finding out how much "baggage" I actually am carrying. I am also learning how to forgive. How liberating!

[JenMac]

Hi David!
It is good to see you are setting up new healthier habits for yourself. That is awesome!
You asked if there is a way to balance both of your healing in the same house? Well yes there is. But it will take timea and hard work to get there.
With 2 little ones to care for, you have your work cut out for you, but you also have great reasons to try to make this work as well.
Work schedules and just life itself can take its' toll on our recovery work, to be sure. But don't let it be an excuse to not do what is necessary. David you will have to take an active role in your wife's healing, as it is because of your mistakes that you are here in the first place. You will need to do what is necessary to make your wife feel that you are not only taking action to recover yourself, but that you are very aware of what this has done to damage her as well. Your marriage has suffered a true trauma, and your wife will be feeling the brunt of that. Healing will be on her timeline, and all you can do is offer patience and support to help her through.
NOt sure if your wife intends to join us here David, but I would like to extend the invitation. She would find much support and guidance here. TTF has been a huge blessing in my life and I feel compelled to share it. If she does decide to join, there is a couples chat on Wednesday evenings that you may be interested in sitting in on. Let me know if you would like to know more details.
Anyway David, I am wishing you both all the best as you work your way towards healing together.
Be well!
Jenn

[davidswan]

9
Between 2 kids, a job, and a program, I am exhausted...

It was a long weekend. Work spilled over. Hell I still have work to finish, guess I have to go in early.
Did not get any time to meditate this morning. I was totally out of patience with the kids by the end of the day. I definitely need to take a few minutes to myself in the morning, gotta get up before the kids!

With everything thats going on right now I find it really hard to stay grounded/present. one day at a time swan...

[davidswan]

10

nice long 12 hr day at work. Came home and fixed dinner. Got a big warm hug from Jess. She is here for me.

[davidswan]

13

Yesterday was amazing. Had a very honest conversation with Jess. I cannot lie anymore. It does not serve me. Since I have found GOD in my heart everything is working itself out!

Finally had a chance to listen to day 4 of Tonys program . It was a great exercise. I am learning about my fears and how they relate to my addictions. I am learning to separate my actions from my worth and see through Gods eyes the beauty in everything, including myself! My love for life has taken over.

I saw a new age documentary a while back that talked about how everything is connected like a grid, not a new concept to me, but then it went on to say that we as humans have given up being part of the grid for FREE WILL. I believe this is where God comes in for me. I feel that when I surrender my free will to God, things will work themselves out, I am back on the grid...BLESSED...

[IN NEED OF HELP]

David


From what I am reading, things are sure going good for you, and I love seeing that my friend. You know, when we work our recovery, and we do all that we can, to keep this crap out of our lives, things do go better for us. And when we start feeling better about ourselves, or we see that we are becoming a better person that just gives us more motivation to continue on this path we are going right now.

I have been in recovery, and have free from this crap for a year now, and I have started feeling better about myself. But 3 weeks ago, after many years in not going, I started going to church, and I can say, that in those 3 weeks in going, I am a happier person, and I feel that I am a better person to be around now days. When you have that higher power or God in your life, it seems that he helps you just a little bit more. I am happy that I started going.

Anyway, I just wanted to stop by, and say, I am encouraged in how you are doing in recovery, and to please no matter how tough it may get at times, keep it up. It is well worth the battle to be clean from this crap
Thank you for opening up and talking with your wife. Though she deserves none of this, it is a wonderful thing when we no longer want to lie to them and hide things. And having there support, is a priceless thing my friend. Keep up with the communication with her

I will check in on you soon my friend

Your fellow addict
Gerald