New here, and I'm excited to kick the addiction

[For The Love of My Wife]

So I'm actually really embarrassed that I'm here, because I never thought that I had an addiction, especially to P. I'm here not only for my wife, but for myself. I don't want P in my life, and my wife has made it clear that she hates it. If my wife was not in the picture, I would still want to be here, because I do not think it is right. I started watching P when I was young, maybe 7th grade when a friend introduced it. As a young teen this really is fun to look at, when you have never had real experiences with a woman. Anyways, I thought it would be an easy habit to drop once I had a real girl. Not so true though. I'm 22 and I have been with my wife over 4 years, but we've been married for over 1 year. I hide it from her because I know how it makes her feel insecure and ugly, but when she finds out, it is mostly the lying that hurts her. She thinks I'm dreaming about being with all of the internet women, and she thinks I MB to being with them. I just look at stimulating stuff and MB to it, I never really looked at it the way she does.
So I never do it that often. Sometimes it isn't for several weeks, and then sometimes it may be several times a week. We're young and do not get intimate that often, it's probably been a month since the last time, and I think I use this as an excuse to release my frustration by watching P. She is very busy and also not very sexually driven, and I get horny every day, so it is very hard for me not to MB and let this out of my system. She is also the first, and the only person I have ever been with, and I'm not sure if a curiosity factor plays a role in this. Either way, I need to stop P, for our relationship's sake.

I honestly want this out of my life. Even if my wife permitted it, I don't want to be near it. She offered to watch it with me before we get intimate to maybe turn us on, and I told her no. It offended her because she thinks I want it all to myself and won't share the experience with her. It's only because I don't want to look at it at all, ever. Making it permissible at certain times will not make it easy to stop.There is a lot of grotesque P out there and it really upsets me. I like to respect women so i tend to watch P that reflects that.... but I think the most respectful thing to do is to not watch any. I'm sure all of the actresses wish that they had a different profession, and I feel sorry for them. Watching their work is promoting the idea, and I don't like it.

I plan to come here for advice on how to stop. I want to come here and post when I get the urge to watch P, instead of going to watch it. When I get a relapse I look at myself as a failure and that is usually the end of my trying. I am here now for the long haul. If I relapse, I plan on looking ahead and seeing that as a small mistake in this long road. You can't quit something cold turkey that you've been doing for years. But I plan on using all of my might to stop.

One of the best motivating factors to quit is seeing how my wife reacts to it. I am so incredibly in love with her, so very attracted to her, I think she is gorgeous. But when she finds out about the P she feels like I think she is ugly and not good enough, and she begins to cry. This tears me apart because her thoughts could not be more far from the truth. I don't want her feeling like that because none of it is true. I don't want to ever lose her, and P is definitely not worth it.

[Mac]

Hey There For the love
Welcome to TTF.
I am a recovering PA, 20 months clean and have been a memeber most of that time.
You have definately come to a great place for support and guidance in ridding yourself of this nasty intrusion in your marriage.
I firmly believe from what I have learned here that P can have absolutely no place in a healthy and intimate relationship and I applaud your decision to do something about it. You made a very wise decision not to take your wife up on her offer to watch with you. Others here have tried that and it just doesn't work. This is absolutely the opposite of what the 2 of you need.
if you have been into this as long as you say there is no doubt at all that this has affected you in your whole approach to s--ual interaction with anyone else. If you have been into this as long as you say, I guarantee that you have expectations of this interaction that is is unrealistic. It may take you quite some time to be able to see this but as you leave P behind you will start to see it.
There's an old saying, " men will say, if the s-- is good the relatiionship will be good, women will say if the relationship is good the s-- will be good" The women have the right idea about this, another thing i have learned.
You say your wife is not very s--ually driven, again I would be willing to bet that your use of P has something to do with this. Why would she want to try to compete with your P use.
You do not want to start blaming your use of P on the fact that your s--life is lacking. Your s--life is lacking because of your use of P.

Anyway, i don't want to come across to harsh, but there were just some statements in your post that struck me as a little misguided. Most of us came here with some of the same thoughts and a lot of us wasted time coming to terms with these misconceptions.
If you keep an open mind, which it certainly seems that you have, there is lots to learn here. A lot of us PA's only landed here by way of our wives kind of bringing us here. You have come here of your own doing and that in itself gets you off to a great start.
You are right to want to have this out of your marriage, good for you.
Something you said was so right on " you said you respect women and the best way to do that is to not watch any P at all" use that as your guide my friend. Adopt a relapse is not an option approach, do not buy into relapse as an enivitable thing in recovery.

If you are interested there is a Guys chat on Monday evenings at 8.00pm central/ 9.00pm EST
there is also a couples chat on Wed. evenings at 7.00 pm central/ 8.00 pm EST of people here your age
There are lots of people here your age along with some oldtimers like myself. Give us all a chance and I'm sure you will be glad you did.

This is a great place to be if you need to be in a place like this

Welcome
Mac

[For The Love of My Wife]

Hey Mac, thanks for the reply!

Not to negate what you are saying, but about your statement: "You do not want to start blaming your use of P on the fact that your s--life is lacking. Your s--life is lacking because of your use of P." I agree with your first part, I should use lack of s--life as an excuse for P. But about the second part, she has thought I've been clean for a while now and our s--life still has not been very preset. And before she ever knew about my habits, it was the same. But not to get sidetracked, I'm not here for s-- counseling, I'm sure I'll get help for that soon though, because I know I need it, which is also another embarrassing topic for myself.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to being here. And what I'm confused about is how it becomes an addiction... What I mean is, I'm not quitting just for my wife. Before I ever met her, back when I was single, I used to pray in church every day that I would stop. I had no one that knew about my habits, and I wasn't trying to quit for anyone but myself. If it is something that I am clearly not interested in, why do I do it? And for the record I did stop for maybe a year, I'm not sure on that though. But I did start up again and am trying to stop again.

" men will say, if the s-- is good the relationship will be good, women will say if the relationship is good the s-- will be good". I'm a very emotional person, and I think I have always agreed with the part that women say. I was not that guy in high school trying to get with all of the hot girls. Like I stated before, my wife is the only person I have been with. I even made her wait 6 months into dating before I had s-- with her, when she was ready and wanting it after 2 weeks. Growing up, my friends wanted to "get with" several girls. My dream was to find one girl, whom I would be incredibly in love with. Someone I would be willing to do anything for, and someone who I would never hurt. I've dreamed of being the perfect husband for my wife. Well I found the person I have been looking for, and I have not lived up to what I have dreamed I would be. I have upset my wife incredibly, and hurt her like I would have never wished.

You would think it would be easy to kick a habit that you hate. But I guess some people hate their drug addictions, and they still can't stop.

Anyways, I'd love to participate in the monday night chats. But I'm not sure where to find it. And my wife does not know I joined this forum. I'm sure I'll tell her soon, because she'd probably love that I'm doing these steps without her making me. But for right now, I'm figuring this out for myself.

Well I might be late to work now, so I have to go. Looking forward to hearing some more replies when I get back. I already love you guys. It feels so good to be open about this, and the support is awesome!

[wantingfreedom]

For The Love Of My Wife,
I want to say to you that as another oldtimer, you don't want to be here working through a relapse 30 years from now. There are many here who can support you in your battle against this incidious filth. When I was offending, it was like a magnet that I could not pull away from and I was being pulled into the cess pool. Like Mac, my SO found this site and introduced me to the TTF community and it has become one of the strongest weapons that I use to remain sober.
I use such terms because, for me, I want to remind myself how terrible it is for our SOs who suffer more in the wake of this addiction than we pa's might do. Your wish to free yourself of this burden is the best choice you can make for you and your wife. Not wanting to inflict more pain is a courageous choice and the right one.
Anti p advocate Gail Dines will further reveal what you have started to become aware of about the industry, it's workers and clients.
Keep coming to TTF and asking for help, support and guidance.
Congratulations!

wf

[Mac]

Hey For the Love
I'm glad you replied to my post. I didn't expect you would agree with all I had to say.
I think you have a really positive approach and I wish you all the best with recovery

For the chat, you just sign in here normally, and go to the bottom left of the page where you see chatrooms, click there and you will find the chat set up.

Mac

[For The Love of My Wife]

Feeling good lately. Haven't been wanting P at all, haven't been missing it, and had fun with the wife last night. She's so beautiful, and I'm extremely lucky! Just posting because I'm glad to be here just to rant sometimes. It's nice to share how I'm feeling. I'm ready for this.

[mell]

Hi For the Love and welcome to TTF!

You have made a big step, coming here on your own, trying to find a way out. Good for you!

You said it should be easy to kick a habit that you hate. We PA's are here for the same reason, to discover why and figure out how to recover from our addictive behaviors.

You will find support here from many who are fighting the same battle. Welcome aboard, hope to see more from you.

[For The Love of My Wife]

Hey all. Just checking in and wanting to say that i feel good :) Feels good knowing that I don't have to hide this nasty habit from the wife I love. We've been really close the last few days and it's been nice.

I'm starting my P-free date on 11/28/11, which is when I signed up here. It hasn't been too long so far, but to be honest, the thought of P isn't turning me on at all. I haven't cared that I don't watch it, and it hasn't been hard not to. So far so good! I see an awesome future.

[lost_one]

If my wife was not in the picture, I would still want to be here, because I do not think it is right.

welcome and so nice that you have realized the problem and found this place.. i really liked what i have quoted from you..

just remember one thing.. its not easy to quit.. and never take it easy.. but............. its not impossible..

All the best

[For The Love of My Wife]

just remember one thing.. its not easy to quit.. and never take it easy.. but............. its not impossible..

hey lost_one, thanks for the reply. And what I quoted, i will try to keep in mind. Because right now it seems really easy. But I know I have failed in the past, so i'm not going to brush this off thinking it's super easy this time. I'm just glad where I am now. But so far so good!