It really is time to get rid of this.

[MrX]

I'm back. This is actually my second journal. I'm within on hour of 3 days sober. (11-25-11 my start date).

I have done some research on P addiction, since my last sincere attempt at recovery into addiction, withdrawal, brain chemistry, ect... I actually have found this helpful because I can see what has to happen for my brain to get to 'normal'.

So basically whenever I'm feeling an urge, pain, discomfort, anger, depression, ect... I can at least have an idea as to what is going on in my head and what is normal for that stage of my withdrawal.

I'm not sure any of that will make sense to anybody but me.

As I have to work tomorrow and it is getting late now (which is weird as the definition of 'late' changes so fast when you're not feeding a habit, late now is 1.5 hours earlier then late when binging...) I need to let go and finish my thoughts tomorrow. I did at least want to check in before bed tonight, though.

[wantingfreedom]

Good for you to come back and to do research. It shows that you want to change and stop using p.
Open this website whenever you are on line and if you get an urge, click onto TTF and not onto something() that will hurt you in the long run.
Keep coming back because it works and you are worth it.

wf

[MrX]

Thanks WF.

Today is day 4, and I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.

I'll try to post more details/information soon, I'm just so busy anymore, and bed sounds so good.

[MrX]

OK time for a little more on me. I've had porn in my life since I was about 10 years old. Didn't realize I had a problem until I was about 13 years ago. I'm currently 37. Over time my PA and MB have gotten worse, and it is effecting my relationship with others. I've quit quite a few times, the longest being 12 days without P or MB. Today is day 5 for me and I hope I have everything set up to succeed this time.

My biggest help is my internet filtering software. Since I don't have anybody to hold the password for me I have set up an account with a website which will e-mail me the password every few days so I can make changes to my computer system (I can't even change file names, or install new programs without the password). Friday is the next day I will have brief access to the password, and I'm a little apprehensive about this. I think I'll re-email the password to myself from the public library. On thing is for sure: It is wonderful to have all the smut in the world locked out of my home in such a way that I can't access it, even if a craving is making my try.

I do still need to set up a go to activity for when cravings hit. I'm thinking the treadmill (in my home) or reading/studying a subject interesting to me.

So far, 5 days in, I can say I haven't felt much. Intense cravings seem to really begin around day 7, and since I've never made it more than 12 days I can't really say when things get better for me.

Which brings me to my next point. It is frustrating to me that I can't find out how long it will take for the whole withdrawal phase to pass. I do understand about how I have fewer dopamine receptors because of my constant over stimulation from P, and how I essentially have to "rewire" my brain and how I'll go through a 'flatline' period between the time I cut out the overstimpulation, and my brain start to adjust to normal stimuli and situations. I just hope I can hold it together well enough to get through my job at work without too much complication (which is something I actually do worry about).

To help keep myself positive I have already started to tell myself that when the hard days come, that they are hard because my recovery is working. That the 'difficulties' are a result of success, of my brain re-learning new responses to an appropriate lifestyle.

Ok, that is it for today. I'm working days and nights for the next two days, so I may not even post at all, but I do know the busyness will only aid me in my journey by keeping my occupied.

Take care all.

[Rockinastorm]

Hey Mr X!

I am glad you are giving recovery another shot. There are so many who become discouraged and give up because it isn't easy! I think the recovery may go easier for you, if instead of thinking about the recovery period as a time period which you need to wait out, that you instead might view it as an opportunity to grow yourself. A positive outlook can do wonders!
Good luck with all of that work!

[MrX]

Just a quick note, today is day 8 for me, so I've been good for a week, and I must say God Bless internet filters.

It is so much easier to stay off the internet P when a good filter is set up correctly and I know I CAN'T get on the internet. Actually I think it has a positive mental effect because I don't have to constantly worry about the computer, if I'm weak I can go to town trying to get a fix on the computer until I'm tired of trying and then move on with my life. (That happened on day 2). Doing that a couple times and now I already know not to even try, which means I have to get through rough patches a different (more healty?) way by keeping myself occupied.

Also, I have been enjoying a good nights sleep for days on end now, which is nice, since I spent that time not sleeping but, umm.... well you know.

One thing I do want to come back is my libido. So far nothing. I've read a little on this and I realize that this may take a while and that my time frame will be unique to me (ie: I have to just wait and see). On the one hand it makes abstaining from MB very easy as I have nothing to work with, on the other, I wish I could just return to normal now, although I know this is something I need to work at for a while.

Today at noon is when I get back the password to my internet filter (since I'm flying solo here). Essentially the password is e-mailed to me at intervals I choose, and stupidly I chose today, a day when I have no work and the most time to myself. Biggest goal for today as far as recovery goes it to set up that password to be resent to me on Monday, and then each Monday after that. By the way I have the password e-mailed to me periodically so I can make any changes as needed.

Ok that is all for now. Take care all.

[MrX]

For those who read the response above. Yep I reset my password without a fall from grace. So I'm good until Monday, and then I'll reset the password every Monday after that.

[MrX]

It's been a weird time since I stopped viewing P this time. No strange feelings or attitudes, everything is just neutral. I also haven't had any really bad cravings, just mild ones. It is all very odd to me.

A good thing about the last 9 days (day 9 was completed 34 minutes ago) is that I'm enjoying more free time, and I'm putting that free time to good use, either doing things around the house that need done, or sleeping, or working on projects for myself. That is the best part of quitting P.

Maybe I'll get lucky and this will remain an easy ride for me?

[ocja0201]

Maybe I'll get lucky and this will remain an easy ride for me?

Hello MrX and welcome back!

I don't suppose you have read the book The Pilgrims Progress have you? The road is long and hard so hope for the best but make sure your sword is sharp just in case ;)

God Bless,

~J

[mell]

Hello MR X and welcome back!

Reading through your entries, I am concerned about your password routine. Perhaps you could give it to someone here privately instead? It would be too tempting for me to have access once a week. Just a thought.