Journal the Second

[65Ford]

And he's back.

Probably not surprising. I had hit rock bottom, what? A year and a half ago? I came hear, started a journal, and was doing better. Then I lapsed in my visits and journaling, but was still keeping pretty busy, with only occasional lapses. But now the last couple months things have gotten worse again for some reason. I've found myself more and more looking around at you know what. Not chunks, but I guess you could call them quickies.

And then the other day it was a WTF am I doing moment. I'm playing with fire here, something that I know can destroy, well, everything. My life. My wife's life. My kids' life. I KNOW in my head it's not worth it. Any pleasure is fleeting, any negative consequences are forever.

So, I'm back. Before this gets any worse. It has to get better.

I'm calling this journal the second because after looking at the journal I was using last year, it just didn't seem to fit for some reason. I just didn't feel like I could just pick up where I left off. Nothing really concrete about it, just a feeling. I'll consider this a fresh start.

[JenMac]

Welcome back 65Ford! Nice to see you here!
I think a new journal is very appropriate, especially when you think of it as a new starting point.
Visit here often 65! There is much to be gained by being here!
All the best!
Jenn

[65Ford]

Thank you.

So far, so good. It's been a fairly good morning so far. I stayed off the computer before work, made a mug of tea, turned on some music and worked on a model car for 20-30 minutes. That - and sometimes a lunch hour - is about the only "me" time I get completely to myself anymore. And lunch is usually spent running errands and, well, eating, though there are days I get some downtime.

And downtime is the worst time.

As I mentioned, it's been the past couple of months that have really been problematic again, and partly that's because my wife leaves before I do in the morning, so some days I use that time for things I know I shouldn't be doing. And either she is growing suspicious, or my guilt is leading me to think she is feeling suspicious. Paranoia?

At any rate, I need to regain control, and I hope today was a good first step.

By the way, I went out to lunch with a pair of former co-workers yesterday, and today the office is hosting a luncheon for a colleague who is moving to a new job. So no worries there. For now. Keep sending good thoughts my way.

[HopefulsRock]

Hey look it's a 65Ford... That car looks great and like it got a 2nd chance on life so why shouldn't it's owner... Welcome back to a fresh start! I haven't read your last try and I don't think I will just yet because I like the guy I'm reading about here already and I like this statement of yours,

I need to regain control, and I hope today was a good first step.

We all as PA's strive to maintain that control each and every day whether we're at work, with our wife, out with friends or left alone... it doesn't really matter if we're alone because we are the only ones who have the controls for ourselves.

A good 1st step my friend... one foot in front of the other.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

65ford

I see that you are back at TTF, and I like seeing that. I am sorry that you had a bad spell with your addiction, but, at least you realize, the Importance of getting thing back under control. As you already know my friend, we sure picked a damn hard addiction to overcome, but if we just do what we are suppose to do, we can do it.

Sure hope you come around as much as you can, because there is nothing like the love and support that we get here at TTF. I have only been here a little under a year, but I can say, that if it were not for this wonderful site, I may still be living in the darkness of my addiction.

I do with you the best in your FRESH START, in your recovery. we will all do what we can to help you in your recovery my friend. hope to read more from you soon

Your fellow addict in recovery
Gerald

[65Ford]

Thanks, everyone. We sure did pick a toughie, didn't we? I have never once even tried drugs, drink relatively little socially, and have never even smoked a cigarette, so I can only imagine the challenges those addictions present. I know I wouldn't wish this one on anyone.

Not gonna lie here and say thoughts of engaging in this didn't cross my mind last night and this morning, because they certainly did. But I managed to resist. Mainly found something else to do. I've found if I don't start by a certain time, I don't have enough time. So if I can just make it to then, I'm usually OK. Then it's dealing with the debate of should I have or not? Of course, the true answer is no, I should have not. But there remains that part that says, dude, you missed your chance. Ugh.

Others have noted that part of the thrill of this is not so much physical gratification as it is the "find," eg that of a collector. I think that is the way it is with me to an extent. I have several other collections, and one thing I enjoy is trawling ebay to find new, rare pieces. I get a similar thrill finding that elusive photo or video. Not sure quite how to address that at the moment, but worth further pondering. I'm afraid I'm not being terribly coherent at the moment.

Anyway, it's day 2. I could say it's only day 2, but it feels like more than that. Thanks for the continued positive thoughts. Knowing you all are out there does make a difference.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Thanks, everyone. We sure did pick a toughie, didn't we? I have never once even tried drugs, drink relatively little socially, and have never even smoked a cigarette, so I can only imagine the challenges those addictions present. I know I wouldn't wish this one on anyone.
.

I was a very heavy user in drugs. it has been some years though, since I have used, but none the less, I had this addiction. what is weird, I thought I had a hard time in getting rid of that addiction, but to be honest, now that I look back, it was so much easier to get rid of, then this crap is. Sometimes I wish I was facing a drug problem again, and not be dealing with this one.

For me, I feel this addiction is so much harder to recover from, because it is ALWAYS around us. there is no hiding from the triggers/temptations, we deal with. the only way we can ever be free from the temptations, that we get from our addiction, is if we live a sheltered life, meaning, locking ourselves up in our home, with no TV, no Radios, No Magazines to read. And who in the hell, what to live like that?

So no, I agree with you, that I wish this addiction on NO ONE. This addiction takes so much more out of us, than any other. It takes control, and once it has control, it never wants to let go. I for one, am very pleased to see, you and many others here, to get the much needed help in recovery. we can not do this on our own, many have tried, but only to fail.

As I said before, I am so glad to see you back here at TTF. we need all of the support that we can get, to be able to get through this. by you being here, you are helping so many others, who are having problems in there recovery.

Congrats on the 2 days of new freedom from this crap, and I am sure, you will continue to do good in recovery

Ok, I rambled enough in your journal, so I will wait until the next time to ramble some more

Good luck to you my friend
Your fellow addict
Gerald

[65Ford]

Please, ramble on, Gerald. I appreciate your thoughts.

Overall, a pretty good weekend. Not necessarily a productive one, but a busy one with family activities and such. And on my battlefront, all went well. I'd say I had opportunity Saturday, and thought about it, but managed to keep myself busy and avoided it. And Sunday, well Sunday was just too busy to even think about it, which is probably a good thing! Today is a new day, and I need to carry the momentum from the weekend over.

On a different note, I do feel the need to jot some words down regarding something that happened Friday afternoon. No, nothing that drove me to any sort of use, but I think it is related in a way to the issues.

Many years ago, we're talking early 90s, right out of college and living in my first apartment, I had what at best could be described as an unhealthy relationship with two young ladies who also lived in the complex. They may or may not have been cousins, at least they claimed to be, but they were not exactly of the trustworthy type. It was weird. This was also a time, as I was living alone and single, where a lot of my use really manifested itself for the first time. Oh, it was far from the first, but it really took off at this time, with the usual assortment of magazines, videos, etc. You probably know the story. Anyway, these two girls just sort of complicated things and were, maybe the word is temptation? Tease? I don't know, but not the kind of girl I was looking for, or would have taken home to mother. At any rate, I eventually moved out and moved on, and they were left to do I don't care what.

And yet, I occasionally thought of them and wondered what happened to them. I had zero contact with them, but would occasionally here a bit of a rumor about there whereabouts, and I had heard they moved out of state. Good riddance, basically. But Friday, I googled one of them. And found an obituary. Apparently she passed away just a few weeks ago, but it didn't say how. Again, I'm not at all remotely close to her or her family, but there was a twinge of something at the news. Oh, and apparently Friday would have been her birthday, according to the dates listed. Coincidence that I chose that day to look her up? Just an odd feeling all around. For me a chapter closed, but I hope her family is well. Life is odd.

[65Ford]

Well, after a promising start, a setback this morning. Simply put, the opportunity presented itself, and I took it. I can rationalize it all I want, but I knew what I was doing. I had opportunity to ignore the call, and I didn't. It wasn't much, as these things go, but I will chalk it up as a setback nonetheless and bolster my efforts to do better next time. The thing is, I KNOW what I could have done differently, I just didn't.

With the holidays coming up, the best gift I can give myself is to be rid of this. Fortunately, there should be minimal temptations or opportunities for the near future, so that should help. Thanks for the good thoughts.

[65Ford]

OK, I've reflected a little more on this morning, and have felt something a little different. While the usual feelings of guilt, disgust, paranoia, etc, are there, they are somewhat muted (numbed?) compared to the past. Instead, the dominant feeling seems to be one of disappointment - not so much in me, but in the act. It's kind of hard to explain, and I'm probably not doing it well, but it's like a sense of "gee, that was underwhelming. What was the point in that?" Does any of that make any sense?