Waking Up.

[Erik]

Background.

To whom it may concern,

I am a gay male. As of writing this I am 18 years old and currently single. The last time I viewed porn was about four hours ago. I guess you could say my porn use stems partly out of bordem. However, I mainly use it as a form of stress relief. It's literally mind-numbing. When I'm using it's like all of my problems just disappear. I can't pin-point exactly how old I was when I started watching porn, but it was some time during middle school. I am here now because I would like to quit.

Why? Porn isn't a solution. Porn has lowered my self esteem dramatically. Porn isolates me for hours at any given time of the day. The haze of porn has caused me to act out sexually and put myself in risky situations. I can't commit to one man when I'm swiping through 20 pics/vids of other guys per minute. Porn affects my ability to love.

I also have been MBing since as long as I can remember. If I had to pick an age that I started to MB at it would be around 6 or 7. I am here now because I would also like to give this up.

Why? I can't MB and not watch porn. If I MB without it my mind will only wander and think about all of the videos and pics I've seen over the years. It'd be like watching it in my head.

My generation is in a haze.

No one my age thinks I have a problem. I would estimate that every single person in my high school has watched porn at one time or another. I would also guess that more than half of my classmates were avid users. To this day I have only met a handful of guys who have never even touched porn or were just on the cusp of getting into it. Most of the guys I talk to or meet watch some seriously hardcore vids.

Question: If everyone around you is using porn and it is considered the norm, when do you define it as an addiction? Is everyone addicted or is it healthy in moderation?

I find that in the gay community guys will openly talk about porn, suggest websites and discuss their favorite porn actors as if they were discussing the weather. You are considered a prude if you don't watch it. I also find that, as a result of porn, men of all sexualities have their view of sex widely distorted. Most guys my age are afraid of commitment and are only interested in rough one night stands.

All of this worries me. What is the future going to be like with such an overly sexualized population? I am just now waking up to the evils and pain of porn, whereas the rest of the world seems like its drowning in it. Sigh.

I resolve that I don't want to be like the rest of my generation in some mindless sexual haze. I want a healthy, committed relationship and I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror without picking myself apart.

I will try to replace a bad habit with a good one by writing whatever is on my mind in this journal when I get the urge to use porn. I hope that maybe this thread will help someone one day.


Thanks,
Until next time.

[Charly22]

You've answered your own question. Is everyone addicted? Is it healthy? I would have to say that not everyone is addicted. Not everyone who has used it takes it to the level that a pa would take it. And you already know it's not healthy. That's an understatement. It removes you from real life. It prevents a real life. It puts you in that haze that you mention. Maybe the rest of the world isn't aware of the harm. Yet. Glad that you are waking up to the reality of all of this. I encourage you to continue your journal. Your off to a great start!

[waterlily327]

Hi Erik! I am very glad to see you have started a journal. Like Charly said, you are off to a great start here, because you have recognized you need help.

Maybe the people you are associating with currently do not think you have a problem, but you have already seen the negative impacts that it has had on your life and your s*xual relationships. If it is at all encouraging, you are not the only young person here! I am 22, my fiancé, Rockinastorm, is 23, and there are many others here from our generation. You are not alone in the way you’re thinking!


Fighting this addiction will probably have a lot of ups-and-downs. Based on all the journals I have read here, most do. You have already realized that you want to eliminate this addiction from your life. I suggest you make a list of the reasons recovery is important to you so that, during rough patches of temptation, you can remind yourself as to why you want to squash this addiction out of your life.

Rockin and I have been here since March of this year, but been in recovery since June 2010. Trust me when I tell you that both of our lives have improved significantly in the past year and a half since the recovery began. It is so worth it. Out path has not been easy, but we are still here, still fighting. Pick yourself up no matter how hard it seems, because it is worth it.

You said you are “waking up”. I really like that! It makes me think of a popular movie a few years back where a man was given a choice to continue living his fictions but easy life, or see the world for what it really is even though that is a more difficult path. He is literally handed the choice in the form of a red or a blue pill. Maybe no one handed you a choice of pills, but your eyes have been opened to see things for what they really are: that p*** has only ever harmed you. No matter what your peers are telling you, you have seen that you have an addiction to p*** and that it has damaged the way your relationships have formed into something you do not like. By ridding yourself of this addiction when you are still young, I think you will be able to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone you truly care about someday!

I saw that you are asking for an accountability partner. I think that is a fantastic idea! Though I am not available enough to be a reliable accountability partner, if you need anything you are welcome to PM me. As for your question about filters, I don’t know anyone who has a Mac computer, but K-9 has worked really well for Rockinastorm. Good luck Erik, I think you will go far because you are already off to a fantastic started!

[2frustrated]

I have the same fears/concerns about the younger generations. P is epidemic for them. I dread to think about what will be accepted as normal entertainment in ten years. It's a relief to know that others have similar concerns.

P seems to make your problems go away in the same way that a drug does. All of your attention zooms in to that single experience--p--and everything else becomes background. When you're at the movie theater, your attention is not on the curtains, the people in front of you, of the aisle lights. All of those things are there and make up a space bigger than the film you're watching, but your mind makes them into nonessential background. Viewing p does the same, but to a greater extent. It not only puts your physical surroundings into the background, but also your thoughts, worries, and especially your feelings. That's why it's an escape. It's a vacation from life, from worry, from pain. Yet, as you've found out, the pain it brings exceeds the pain you're trying to escape. Becoming free from this addiction allows us to turn our attention to our real problems--and our real pleasures and joys of life.

[leadmehome]

Young man, I wish you the best in your struggle, and I just wanted to say that you are very fortunate to have this understanding and insite at your age, and also this support group. I am 41y.o. and have been a P addict for roughly 35 of those years. For the first couple decades I never saw any adverse affects from my addiction, but they were there all along. I now see how P turned a healthy fortunate boy in a loving christian home into a rebellious, drug crazed, head bangin, dips--t. But even if I would have been as enlightened as you seem to be there was no sponsers or accountabillity partners or help of any kind, and certainly no worlwide forum of understanding folks who are willing to help you with tons of great advice and support. So get your a-- back here you haven't posted in a month

[Disillusioned]

Hi Erik, You have terrific insight already about what P is and what it isn't. It isn't reality. It is an industry based on despair making actors get sick and injured, it is addictive to viewers, it objectifies human beings. It has nothing to do with the intimacy between two people who are in love and expressing this intimacy physically. You are emptier after using this, than you were before you used this. If used often enough it can result in ED, which is horrible for both partners in a relationship.

Now that you have decided that you want this out of your life, you must identify what triggers set you off and make you want to watch p. Many men mention boredom, so one of the keys to your recovery will be to find something you must do when boredom starts and you feel the need to use. Take your time and identify these. Many of our fellows find something physical helps. Run, jump rope, run the sweeper...do something instead of using p. It is a fight and it is a habit. You may also be triggered by images, people you see, situations like coming home to an empty house. Identify and then plan.
The urges will come, then it is time to break the time into manageable parts. I can hold off for an hour. After an hour, I can hold off for two hours. My h read somewhere that if a person trying to break a habit can delay doing the habit for 20 minutes, usually the urges are greatly reduced.

Welcome to TTF, by the way. We are a loving community of very diverse folks, both SOs and PAs, who have been hurt by P. I am sorry this modern plague tripped you up, but I am grateful you found your way here. Good luck on your journey.