My walk through the valley.

[ocja0201]

Okay here goes,
I firmly believe that honesty and personal accountability are the most indispensable attributes of a successful recovery and thus I strive to put forth the prior and gain the latter with everything I post here.

Let me rewind and start at the very beginning. Even as a child I was a pragmatist, cutting corners that I viewed as an obstacle to my practical wish fulfillment. My parents were pretty good at catching most of my bad habits but my early use of lewd material went unnoticed and eventually turned into a full fledged addiction to P and MB by age 13. I can't say that I became addicted because of emotional trauma or insecurities, it was never really an escape from the pain of reality, I just really enjoyed it. If anything was an escape it would of been all the books I read and video games that I played to avoid social situations, (I suffer from moderate social anxiety disorder) but who knows maybe it was and I just don't realize it yet.

I come from a very orthodox Catholic family and religion has always been a very big part of my life. P and MB began to slowly erode away at my faith as I realized that they were mutually exclusive. I could not continue to believe Catholic dogma that severely condemns so much as a lascivious thought with my constant use of P and MB. This coupled with the dogmatically secular environment of a state university really shook my foundation to the core. As my faith dwindled my use of porn escalated to the point of it's use of a general palliative. My faith resurged at 25 and I have been trying to battle this dirty little secret of mine ever since. I gradually effaced all material that could trigger me, but it is hard to remove 15 years worth of images that scar the mind like so much graffiti.

What strikes me as odd is how hard this damn thing is to combat. I would characterize myself as a very strong willed person, I put myself through intense physical training (sometimes I lose sleep over it) to attain some ephemeral goal. I read some very boring books for the sake of gleaning minor wisdom and yet when I get a minor craving of the flesh my will crumbles like a sand castle in the surf.

These are my reasons for wanting to get rid of my addiction to P.

-It separates me from the love and grace of God.
-I hate being controlled by anything.
-It leads me to objectify others as well as myself.
-It victimizes all those in the industry as well as everybody who uses it.

My goal is obviously to rid myself of this unhealthy craving for sexual fulfillment by avoiding lewd thoughts which lead to P which leads to MB (not always in that exact order). So far it has been three days since my last slip up and I hope to never feel the shame of acquiescence again.

~J

[ocja0201]

Day 4
Well today was easy, not even the slightest urge beset my countenance. It would seem that at the beginning I am always full of vim and vigor, I hope it lasts this time.

[ocja0201]

Day 5

Usually days that I don't work are days that cause the most problems for me. Sitting around especially near a computer have a tenancy to lead to failure, however today was another great day! Posting here especially trying to help others with their problems seems to help me with my own problem. Another thing that seemed to help me today was doing hard running intervals I kicked the absolute shit out of myself and now I don't have any energy to do anything but stare at the wall.

[life-cubed]

May I just say that you write beautifully! Hope your success continues - well done.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 5

Usually days that I don't work are days that cause the most problems for me. Sitting around especially near a computer have a tenancy to lead to failure, however today was another great day! Posting here especially trying to help others with their problems seems to help me with my own problem. Another thing that seemed to help me today was doing hard running intervals I kicked the absolute shit out of myself and now I don't have any energy to do anything but stare at the wall.

Hey ocja

It is nice seeing you write in your journal. by doing this, we can see what you are going through. I do know what you mean by being home, and just sitting in front of the computer. I am ot of work, and I am on the computer all of the time,looking for work. And even though I am just less than 2 weeks from being clean from this crap, at times, when in front of the computer, the urge hits, to take a peek. so when that happens, I will come here right away, or just turn off the computer, and get away from it for a while

You are doing well in your recovery. oh there will be some rough times in our recovery, but it is up to us, if we are going to give into this addiction. so if you feel a rough time coming, and temptations are there, do what you can to shake them, so you don't fall into the addiction trap.

And you coming here, and trying to help others, is wonderful to hear. It is all about helping each other here at TTF.Keep coming here, so we can help you my friend. and it also helps us old times in our recovery, when we see you here.

Keep up the good job in recovery, but always be on guard against this beast

Your fellow addict
Gerald

[ocja0201]

Day 6

Well another successful day, I didn't really feel temptation in any strong way like I have experienced in the past. I was a little disappointed with myself as I was unable to stop from looking at some of the women I ran across today. I caught myself staring at them in less than appropriate ways. I have to say they really aren't doing me or themselves any favors by wearing the type of clothing that they were wearing. It is a vicious monster that we have created for ourselves.

[ocja0201]

Day 7

Well that is one week and feeling good.

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 7

Well that is one week and feeling good.

Great job. you can do this. keep it up my friend

Gerald

[Disillusioned]

Hi Ocja,
Just stopping by to see how you are doing. I loved your analogy of the sand castle in the surf, by the way. In time, I hope that you are able to strengthen your resolve, so that the call of the flesh does not lead you where it has in the past. I hope you have developed some strong plans for those times when you are not working and have time to spend on the computer. How I wish my h had sent me a poem or written me a note instead of mb to p. It didn't happen.
You are re-building your foundation OC. I hope it is strong enough to endure the call of the siren, for she will always be just out of sight, a click away, a thought away. Hope you are able to invest in your own life and find the returns much more meaningful than the emptiness that P leaves in its wake.
God bless you on your journey. I am hoping each footstep is firmly in place, and all of them go in the direction of being present in your own life. It is the dash between the years of our birth and death, and it is what gives our time here meaning.
disillusioned

[IN NEED OF HELP]

Day 6

Well another successful day, I didn't really feel temptation in any strong way like I have experienced in the past. I was a little disappointed with myself as I was unable to stop from looking at some of the women I ran across today. I caught myself staring at them in less than appropriate ways. I have to say they really aren't doing me or themselves any favors by wearing the type of clothing that they were wearing. It is a vicious monster that we have created for ourselves.

This is one thing, that us addicts, needs to get under control. and I will admit, that it is tough to do. doing this is just another part of our addiction. we can control in what we look at when we are home, but we can not control in what we see, when we are out on the streets, taking care of business. When we allow ourselves to look at women like this, then we are allowing Lust to come into play. Lust will just feed our addiction, and will find a way, for us to give in to our addiction.

We can not blame the woman for what she is wearing. she has the right to wear what she wants, and when she wants to wear it. just because she is wearing what she is, don't mean she is doing it, so us sick men can check her out. maybe she is wearing it, so she can feel good about herself? regardless in why it is worn, does not give us, or any man, the right to disrespect her in that way, buy drooling over her, and maybe undressing her in our minds.

Oh don't get me wrong my friend, I am guilty of doing it also, and to be honest, I still have a problem in doing so at times, but I am work harder than I even have in my life, to stop doing it.If we see a beautiful women on the street, there is nothing wrong in seeing the beauty that she has, but it turns wrong, when we just break our necks in looking at them. Though I still have a problem at times with it, after being a year in recovery, I am finally getting it, I am finally understanding, that It is so wrong to look at any woman, and degrade then the way us addicts do/have in our lives.

When it comes to controlling the way you look at women, I wish you the best in it. you have the tools that you need to help you with P addiction, so we all need a separate set of tools, to help us with the lusting issues. In all honesty all women deserves so much more respect from all men. I don't care if she is 90lbs or she is 300lbs, us addicts needs to stop disrespecting women. Yes, me included.

Also if this makes sense, I feel that the true beauty that we should look at in women, is within there hearts. Most women I know, have wonderful hearts, and that to me, is the real true beauty.

Please do what you can, to stop looking at women the way you do. I am trying to do the same thing my friend

Sorry for rambling my friend

Your fellow addict
Gerald